Lists

I keep making lists. As I count down the days to boarding my flight to Kolkata this Wednesday, my attempt to rein in my restless energy is to make lists: Lists of what to do, what to pack, where to go…I have my Target List, my Costco List, my Weekend Trip Ideas List, my What I Should Ask Diti List, and my What I Should Learn About India Before I Leave List. I scribble these lists on stray pieces of lined paper torn out of a notebook, the frayed edges representing my frayed thoughts.

Will I need plug outlet adapters?

I want to visit Mother Teresa’s convent while I’m in Kolkata.

Do I need to do more research on biodiversity?

How long is my layover in Dubai?

I should pack nail clippers.

These thoughts swirl unfettered in my mind and exhaust me. The nit-pickiness of them is deceiving; although on the surface each of these frantic ideas about plug adapters or nail clippers may seem empty and shallow, there is a deeper root of uncertainty, excitement and anxiety that gives rise to them.

I’m trying to find a sense of control in a situation where a lot is out of my control. Much of this comes from the many unknowns in this trip. There will be many firsts for me over the next few weeks, the most obvious of which is that this is my first time outside of the United States. I will be forced to navigate an environment where there is no English, A/C, or clean tap water. Instead, I will be surrounded by the foreign fluidity of the Bengali language, oppressive humidity (yay for monsoon season), and colorful chaos of the Kolkata streets and shops. So when I imagine myself attempting to absorb this overwhelming influx of newness, I turn to making lists. Writing never-ending bullet points of menial tasks is familiar to me. I can achieve and cross off each listed item simply and surely; the ease of it is soothing.

My lists are also stem from my desire to make the most of this opportunity. I know that six weeks in as vast and complex a country as India is abbreviated. I want to make each day count; I want to work as hard as I can in order to complete the tasks set before me; I want to spend as much time as possible absorbing the sights and sounds of this rich culture. Therefore, I have been anxious to research as much as I can about this place to sort out what sites I should try to visit, what people I should meet up with, and what materials I should bring to kickstart my internship role. I am restless so I make lists.

There are a lot of positive aspects to my habit of list-making. This mild obsession not only helps me prepare in terms of the logistical details, but it also allows me to digest the reality of leaving for Kolkata in a few days. However, I am also looking forward to letting go during my time in India. There is nothing wrong with being organized, proactive, and detail-oriented; yet, I know I will face situations where this “preparedness” falls short. There will be instance after instance where I will need to accept a loss of control. India will stretch me to discover a part of myself that is flexible, spontaneous, and courageous. I hope to return with an outlook that does not swear off making lists altogether, but rather a matured perspective that understands that my lists will not shield me from the wonderful chaos the real world brings.