Social Justice, Self-Righteous, and Acne?
I have been struggling with acne since I was nine years old. Yes, most teenagers deal with the routine pimple and occasional dermatologist visit, but this was a monthly and sometimes weekly strife with my skin. I have been given every medication, tried every skin care regimen, and even changed my diet in attempt to rid myself of this irritating condition. When I was a junior in high school, after almost a decade of insecurity and competing with my own confidence, my doctor finally prescribed me a potentially dangerous drug that ensured permanent clear skin. My senior year of high school and first year in college I was finally acne free. Not having to worry about what my face looked like when interacting with my peers was incredibly empowering; I felt feminine and beautiful.
Cut to just a couple years later, and despite my dermatologist’s promises, my acne has returned with full force. I have reverted to spending extra time in the morning covering blemishes with makeup and contemplating my appearance a little more than I should.
Now, you may be wondering, at what point am I going to address the fact that in just two weeks I will arrive in The Gambia and begin working in an environment completely unfamiliar to me in so many critical ways? What does acne POSSIBLY have to do with your experience as a Global Fellow?
Well! The fluctuation of my skin over the last several years has had a significant impact on my perception of my own being and has propelled me to redefine many of my values and priorities.
At the peak of my security in my appearance, my first year at SCU, I involved myself in all the wrong activities. I was incredibly passionate about environmental and social issues but was disappointed in what I perceived to be a lack of the political activism and intellectual curiosity that I desperately seeked. I chose to major in Sociology and Environmental Studies, but rarely engaged in academic endeavours outside of class. I blamed Santa Clara inherently for promoting a culture of apathy. But at this time, I had no awareness of the overwhelming presence of Jesuit values and ample opportunities to engage in social justice. And this was my own fault. I chose to remain ignorant.
The summer entering my second year I traveled to Cholula, Mexico on immersion with the Ignatian Center. Here I came to the definitive and powerful conclusion that I needed to change my lifestyle, I needed to continue the spirit of immersion on campus at SCU, learn as much as I can about diverse struggles, and humble myself before others with greater knowledge. I needed to ask more questions. I needed to not only tolerate differences in my peers, but love them. Most importantly I needed to actively seek out experiences, relationships, interactions, and conversations that challenged me with notions vulnerability, discomfort, and honesty. When I arrived back at SCU for the year I was determined to invest everything into these new pursuits, and this was met with a face full of acne.
At this point, my disappointment in my skin condition was old news. Early in fall quarter I remember making the active decision to just let it go. The way I look is just not that relevant to my life, who I am, my relationships, or how I conduct myself. I forced myself to completely relinquish sentiments of insecurity over any aspect of my appearance and this finally enabled me to look outside of myself and instead devote myself to what I am truly passionate about: social and environmental justice and sustainability. I made intentional choices to involve myself with people, organizations, classes, media, and talks that exposed me to the issues that I care so deeply about. My resentment for Santa Clara transformed to endless appreciation. And it was the best year of my life. Withdrawing concerns about my image and adherence to societal ideas of beauty and femininity enabled me to find my happiness.
I am endlessly appreciative of all the opportunities my Santa Clara education has afforded me; the opportunity to participate in the Global Fellows program is of course hugely contributive.
People keep asking me if I am excited about traveling to The Gambia and working at Starfish. I answer with the same rehearsed response, describing the program and expressing my curiosity and anticipation. But if we’re being completely honest, I am terrified. I have never traveled abroad for longer than two weeks, never been a racial or ethnic minority, and have virtually no experience teaching or devising curriculum (I will be teaching a class that utilizes United Nations developmental indicators to assess the political, social, environmental needs of a community).
I am almost disappointed in myself for not having a better grasp on this whole situation. I should be jumping for joy; I finally have the opportunity to learn about the issues facing a marginalized community from those affected themselves. I will get to work directly with young women and girls who, despite all odds, seized control of their education and their future and are shifting the roles and expectations of gender in their country. This is truly an incredible opportunity.
Part of my anxiety must stems from a deep confusion about why SCU has sent me to Starfish, my intentions, and my impact.
Tanya keeps telling us that we aren’t going to change the world in 6 to 8 weeks. I agree totally, I will undoubtedly reap more of the benefits of this fellowship than the girls at Starfish. So why I am doing it? Why did I travel on two immersion trips to learn about poverty in vastly different communities? Why I am I about to spend a semester studying environmental policy and conducting research in Bhutan?
I think the purpose of my college education is to learn as much as I possibly can, as holistically as I possible can. Traveling and interacting directly with diverse cultures is an important way to do that. I will never be able to advocate for the needs of groups from other identities and experiences if I do not witness the fundamental and systemic issues contributing to their marginalization. That is why I applied to be a Global Fellow.
Going to the Gambia does not make me a good person. Upholding the value system that I previously described does not make me a good person either. I have to actually act on it, do something that genuinely helps somebody. I think I’ve made an important start through my extracurricular commitments, but I am going to refrain from viewing myself as morally superior until I actually chose to sacrifice some aspect of my comfort or priviledge for someone else, and that has not happened yet.
I still have a few weeks before I leave and I have decided to take up longboarding in the interim. This is a hobby foreign to the streets of Connecticut and I think it results from compulsive desire to keep my life at Santa Clara and all these important discoveries at the forefront of my mind. Perhaps I will develop some balance in my life in more ways than one before my Global Fellows journey truly begins.
