Week 7: Goodbyes
I am finally back in my sleepy hometown of Napa Valley where I will be visiting for a couple weeks before heading back to SCU. I have loved the cool end-of-summer weather, completely devoured my aunt’s delicious homemade pupusas, and ate more Mexican pan dulce than I should (bread was the one thing I craved & dreamt of while I was in rice-based Kadapa). Being back in the place I grew up in is so familiar to me, yet I feel like I am in a whole different world than where I was last week. Every time that I am asked: “How was India?”, I am at a loss for words. How can I explain all of the ups and downs, cultural adjustments, and complex situations of my 7 weeks in Kadapa? I realize that first, I cannot speak of India in its entirety, and second, I can only speak of what I experienced and what I interpreted through my super tiny, misinformed, undeservingly privileged lens. So yeah, take my words with a grain of salt or whatever.
Anyway…Our last week in Kadapa, India was full of “lasts”. Last breakfast dosas (which I am currently craving so much), last morning chais at the Aarti School office, and our last visit to Aarti Village.
Our last Sunday at Aarti Village had me feeling a lot. It was harder than I had anticipated and I realized just how full of love I had been every time I entered a space with Aarti girls. My stay was so temporary, but their warm welcomes and their boundless love were always present, filling the air, my heart, and my soul. I am going to miss the tight & sweet community of Aarti Girls who put flowers in my hair, tried to explain Telugu riddles in English (& kind of failed but it was still funny), ran to me and held my hand, showered me with so much love that I did not deserve, danced with me to some BUMPIN’ Telugu & Hindi music, and welcomed me into a sacred space.
Leaving Aarti was a whirlwind of emotions. Listen y’all, I’m not even gonna try to sugarcoat it. This whole Global Fellows experience was challenging for me in the most unexpected and personal ways. It left me with many unanswered questions about a different culture, the personal stories of Aarti girls, and my own life (especially this being my last summer before my last year at SCU). I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have an existential crisis once… or ten times in good ol’ Kadapa (shout out to my home girl Andrea for keeping me sane-ish).
At times I was frustrated, hungry, bloated, sick, and at times I was wondering why I was even there. Long days at the office had my 20/20 vision deteriorating from looking at a screen all day and during the evenings I just craved a night drive to get boba milk tea and a good talk with my best friends.
I also constantly wondered why I had so much privilege and power in every space that I occupied and I got the sense that despite the wonderful and generous Indian hospitality, a lot of it had to do with my identity as a university student from Silicon Valley, USA.
Turning into a “white” girl in India, when I have always been the “brown girl” in the U.S., had me analyzing & questioning my every move. Trying to “soak it all in”, decrease my problematic presence, and understand a new culture was quite draining, but I honestly feel proud of myself for just surviving even when I wasn’t thriving. What really kept me going though was my incredible admiration for the sisterhood of these QUEENS.
Some of the girls asked when we would see each other again and I truly did not know what to answer. When’s the next time I’ll have an extra $2,000 to spend to travel to the other side of the world? (Probably not soon, this girl gotta get a job & hustle & bustle for some years.)
As sad as this makes me, I realize that these girls grow up seeing volunteers come and go, make friendships that begin and end, all while continuing with their life: braiding their hair for yet another exciting day at primary school, running around during recess, studying for quizzes and tests, playing, growing up, learning life lessons, going to college and university, and ultimately starting their own lives.
In the end, I am just a small figment, if that, of their lives. I am honored. These girls are powerful & potent seeds and I had the incredible privilege to catch just a glimpse of these girls’ fruitful beginnings.
It is bittersweet to leave the heartfelt embrace of Aarti girls and transition back into life in the U.S. where the rest of the world has not stopped for me. Returning “home” has made me reflect on the fact that “home” is not confined to just one physical place, your birth place, or even where you grew up. Home really ends up being the place(s) that hold you, celebrate you, and encourage you to go after your dreams. I am grateful for all of the friends and family that I get to embrace upon my return.
This summer was definitely not all fun & games, but it taught me that learning is sometimes a very hard, uncomfortable & unsettling thing to do. But it’s necessary. I do not know when the next time the girls at Aarti and I will cross paths. For now, I hope to keep the memories of the girls’ warm smiles, excitement for education, playful manner, and resilience close to my heart.
LAST MAGICAL TREATS
