When You’re In It
“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy or hysterical. Often this feeling is anything but pleasant. But the most unpleasant is not knowing what is happening.
Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step may be, eventually become the periods we wait for. For it is in those periods that we realize we are being prepared for the next phase of our lives, and in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.” -Alice Walker
4 weeks down! 2 to go.
I was Facetiming one of my best friends yesterday (because we finally got wifi in our apartment !!) and I was telling her about my experience so far and what my “average” day is like — or rather that there’s no such thing as an average day here — and she mentioned growth.
She asked how I thought I was growing and what I was learning and what I was taking from this experience as a whole.
I literally didn’t know how to answer her.
Because when you’re in the middle of it, you don’t recognize the growth. I work through the daily challenges, I make sure to document my struggles as well as the good days, and I’ve tried to fully immerse myself in this culture and connect with as many people as possible. But I can’t see beyond these 6 weeks from where I am.
I’ve had my share of adventures, from Mosques to the traditional Hammam body scrubs, to sunrises on 6 hour train rides, to meeting young women and filming them, to dinners that feel like they’re out of a Pinterest board.
I’ve been stranded after Manal’s car broke down on the side of the road, I’ve taken taxis to places that were clearly not my intended destination, I’ve caused eggs to break in the middle of the grocery store, lost $400 to exchange rates in the airport, gotten my clothes stuck in our washing machine, accidentally left tips of $0.20 instead of $2 while learning the currency, and I’ve shattered my camera’s lense seconds before an interview. These past 4 weeks have been a rollercoaster and most definitely have held many mishaps.
There have been moments where I grab my journal to write down what I just experienced to make sure I never forget it, and there also has been beauty so fleeting that I can’t capture it on film.
Marrakech especially, has been a place where I am in awe no matter where I go or what I see. The air there is different, and the warm desert heat mixed with the pink walls of city make it feel like a movie set.
But I still don’t know how I am growing. I have no idea how I’m changing or what my obstacles are teaching me or what new personality traits I’ll bring back with me to California.
I wish there was a tangible sign, like a noise you’d hear or a flash of light you’d see, whenever you were in the midst of growth. That there would be a huge post on the side of the road letting you know that this is a pivotal moment, reminding you to soak it in and learn from it.
But of course, there isn’t. There’s only the now.
I think I would have had a lot of those sign posts this summer, but I’m having trouble pinpointing them or recognizing the effect they’ve had on me as a person.
So these last two weeks I’m dedicating to being extra attentive and aware of each experience, sensation, meal, and interaction. I don’t want to forget anything.
And I don’t really need to know how I’m changing yet, either.
I’ll just have to wait and see.
