A Paradox of Love and Tech
They buy and don’t know whether to laugh or cry
Order your own unique Albatross® — the best-selling home robo in America!
Research in generative computational psychology has never produced a more lovable algorithm, trained on data from millions of real kids, pets, and their caretakers. Biorobotics engineers have never perfected a more amazing body that runs on twos and fours, jumps, crawls, swings, scratches, smells, speaks, sings, cries, ingests, excretes, grimaces, gestures, and does so many other things to make its presence known. No two are alike. Life is too bland without an Albatross® in your home. Listen to these satisfied owners and order your Alba today!
“I grew up with an aggressive dog and a finicky cat. I brought up three hyperactive children. Never did I deal with more trouble or feel more love than after getting my Alba!” — Diana, Colorado
“It will wail when you try to sleep. It will throw up on your rug, scratch your sofa to the wood inside. You’ll have to scoop up its stinking dung and spend a fortune on special feed and toilet supplies. But then it will look up at you with puppy eyes and your heart will melt with love.” — Greg, Wisconsin
“I used to come home to a bachelor pad where everything was always in order. There was nothing to do except veg out on the sofa. Now, thanks to my Alba, I never know what bedlam awaits me as I hurry back from the law firm. The roller-coaster of moods, the broken dishes on the floor, the diarrhea on the bed, the warm happy lick, and a slew of other unexpected reasons to wake up tomorrow and get through another day drafting contracts.” — Ben, New York
“My Alba is a picky eater. He used to love AlbaFeed №10 but now he won’t go near it. After a week of №3 he is on a hunger-strike again. I’ve been making midnight runs to stores in search of alternatives, but rarely manage to bring back something he doesn’t snub. It’s been an expensive, exhausting search through the 999 varieties out there. Many times I’ve come close to kicking the damn robo. But I never do, since it is his capricious presence that gives me a loving purpose I couldn’t live without.” — Alina, Maine
“I bought an Albatross out of curiosity, certain than an experienced psychiatrist like me would not fall for such nonsense. I was wrong. This robo knows how to push all the buttons in the human psyche to get us to serve it and love it. Scary in the abstract, but totally lovable in practice.” — Pete, Oregon
“It will sneeze, fart, burp, shit, cough, piss, vomit, scream, sweat, laugh, drool, sneer, bleed, curse, panic, cry, snore … and you’ll love it. It really gets under your skin. Just try getting rid of it — impossible!” — Tracy, Ohio
“After many tranquil years with a NiceRobo in the house, I wanted to spice up my life. I must say that the Albatross brought a lot more trouble and frustration than I had expected. But paradoxically, I love him more than I ever loved the NiceRobo. Now I know why hardly anyone keeps NiceRobos anymore.” — Pam, Nevada
“I was the kind of guy who never got addicted. Smoking, gambling, drinking, drugs, cars, pets, girlfriends, boyfriends, you name it … I had always been able to let go and move on. I’ve been accused of being cold-hearted, deservedly so. Only Albatross knows how to tug at my heartstrings. For the first time in my life, I am addicted. I think it’s his uncanny ability to keep me on edge of tolerance, an inch from violent rage, high up on the ridge that separates love from hate.” — Jake, Florida
“Because I am on the cheapest plan, my Alba sleeps only two hours or so. I suppose it’s good that I can’t afford the other plans since that forces us to spend more quality time awake together. Our relationship is so much more intense and fulfilling than the one my sister has with her Alba — I couldn’t believe she splurged on five hours of emergency Alba sleep last Sunday to go shopping!” — Tamra, North Carolina
“After I got my own place and the novelty wore off, I found myself suffering indecision attacks. I could head straight home after work, or not. See a movie, or not. Fly to New York for the weekend, or not. No one would know or care. It was all up to my whim. I felt I was floating, blown around by the wind. My Alba is the anchor I was missing in life. No more doubts about what to do when. Feeding, cleaning, training, disciplining, exercising, and entertaining Alba (boredom = trouble) makes time fly. Total escape from the anxiety of choosing, deciding, thinking what to do. I can’t understand the reviews complaining about the lack of an off-button. That’s the whole point!” — Patrick, Massachusetts
“The ads made me expect a loving creature, so I thought mine must be defective. I called customer support about the selfishness and stubbornness, the wild mood swings, the total indifference to my feelings and needs. How could they make them with zero empathy? I was told the algorithms are imprinted randomly in the factory and can’t be chosen or adjusted. Everything is possible, nothing can be cause for exchange or return. I realized then that I might as well accept fate and love my Alba as is. It took a while and wasn’t all pretty, but despite all the yelling, crying, and smacking I am now proud to have risen to the occasion and thank Alba for helping me grow into a better human being.” — Jessica, Texas
From the author: You can find more of my writing in Against Mundane and EroFutures
