october blues
[tw: depression]
a letter to a loved one
I’m definitely not as depressed as I was last year, but there’s always something about turning a year older without you. I miss the afternoon naps with you, the carefree nights under the sky as the moonlight shined just bright enough for you to read me stories. Watching you stand with a cold glass of water whenever I’d come home. October feels so empty without you chasing me down the drive way, just to hold me by my arm, and give me my chapstick. Watching my skin crack and bleed would make you so uncomfortable. Love is truly so complex. You can feel another person’s pain. I’ll never understand why you cried over my paper cuts and my scraped knees. No one has ever cared so deeply about me. It’s like i’ve forgotten what it means to be wanted or loved. I’ve achieved so much. I’ve travelled alone just how I always wanted to. I have pictures that I wish we could go through together. I tasted some of the best fruits in seattle last month, you would’ve loved them. I know this city would’ve been your favourite! It’s busy and loud, but sea surely brings it peace. My hurt aches to think I can’t share these moments with you anymore. Life’s been hard after you left.
There have been nights where I’ve cried over things that have changed the way I feel about myself and birthdays. Sometimes, I’m glad you’re not here to see me like this. I know it would’ve hurt you the most to see me broken over things like this. I was used for the kindness you taught me, but I’ll never blame you for them. I just wish you’d told me of all the evil that exists too. I would’ve been cautious and I wouldn’t have been this hurt. Nonetheless, you’ve taught me resilience and your love has made me strong enough to not get caught up in the sorrows of life. For it may go on, with or without being loved. I must not let go of kindness, but protect whatever strength I’ve left in me.
I’ll always be holding on to all our memories close to my heart until the day I see you again.
