skinny bones

i used to have this big idea
that if i made myself small enough
so small that i could fit in your back pocket
i’d be the thing you reach for
right before you walk out the door
i’d fit so nicely pressed up against you
in the bed
or at the movies
or cooking dinner
or on your mind
that you’d never feel the need to shed my weight
because i was so light
so light that i’d follow you like a feather
that fell off a bird
and was lost without it.

-

i used to want to disappear
be as thin as the air
so thin that no one could really see me
dark matter changing shape on a dime
non-existent but oh so lovely
so lovely to be just like the models
a model citizen of starvation and despair
i look through all these old pictures of me
lost and lonely way back when
it doesn’t take a genius to see what’s really there
just skinny bones and pretty hair.

-

i’m not sure when it started
the mindset of mini
the obsession with small
just kinda felt like control
among the madness
and the sadness
of it all
so funny to think back on it now
mother used to dote over my little limbs
in awe of the way i fit in her old clothes
but never seemed to wonder how.

-

at night i wonder if we’re all alright
taught to hate the bigger version of ourselves
if only we’d grow down a size
walk by our reflection in shop windows
and look our skeleton dead in the eyes
maybe it’s too embarrassing
to be the largest in the room
worried that if they see too much
it’s just as bad as seeing through
through to all the soft parts
fatty tissue that never disappears
surrounding our aching hearts
obsessions, compulsions, fears
they settle into our skin
becoming the weight we were so afraid of
all along.

-

what a silly thing
to be born in a beautiful body
blind to the way it fits just right
and try and try to fit it off
just like our sworn enemy.