Writing Exercise: 6/9
A dragon saves a knight from a princess.
“So… so you just came after her?”
Despite Sir Elric’s many protestations and declarations, Firemouth wouldn’t get off the couch.
“Cease your bargaining, evil wyrm! Thy reign of terror is no more!”
Despite Firemouth’s refusal to take him seriously, Elric kept up the show.
“Save me, Elric! Save your princess!”
Lady Bella rattled the bars of her cage as she cried out.
“Yes, I shall save my fair lady! Prepare to taste my steel, foul beast!”
Firemouth pressed a crooked talon to his left nostril and shot a quick flame into the bowl of the pipe sitting in his lap with effortless precision. He drew deeply and said, “I mean… fine, whatever, take her.”
“Thy days of- wait, what?”
Firemouth exhaled an enormous cloud of purple smoke. “Yeah, go ahead. I didn’t kidnap her, she’s all yours.”
“What are you… I mean, your tricks won’t confuse me, dragon!” Elric was determined. “My mind is clear, and my will is iron! I shall strike you down this day!”
“Oh god, you’re so fucking hot baby. Save me!”
“How long has she been stringing you along like this, dude?” The last tendrils of smoke drifted up past Firemouth’s red eyes. His scaly eyelids blinked slowly.
“My lady is… my lady is the fairest of the land, and as such, detestable snakes like yourself steal her often! It is her beauty that-”
“The fuck would I want with a human woman, bro?”
“What?”
“I’m a dragon, man. She’s a human. Why would I want to steal her?”
“She, she is the fairest in all the-”
“Dude, I’m a dragon. Even if I did find a member of another species attractive, what am I gonna do with her? Stare at her? I’m ten times your guys’ size, if I did anything else I’d break her in half.”
“Don’t listen to him, baby! Slay this motherfucker!”
Elric’s sword dropped a bit, but he raised it again. “Then… then you want her for her ransom!”
“I live in a cave, dude! Besides, dragons have their own currency. Your gold pieces are too small for me to even pick up.”
“Yes, but it is well known that you and your lizardkin love gold! The feel, the smell, the-”
“Oh god, the fucking Smaug thing?” Firemouth rolled his eyes and took another drag of his pipe. “That was ONE FUCKING GUY with a gold fetish.”
“A… gold fetish? I-”
“Shit’s just ignorant, bro. Offensive, too.”
Elric lowered his shield and sword. “Oh, my god, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“He’s getting in your head, baby! He’s gonna like… eat me or some shit! Get this fucking asshole!” She rattled her cage’s bars again.
Firemouth exhaled and turned to her. “Will you knock it off with the fucking cage?”
Elric raised his sword and shield once more. “Ah ha! If you didn’t take her here, then why is she in a cage?”
“I don’t know, it’s not mine. She brought the cage up here herself.”
Lady Bella opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
“She… Bella, is this true?”
“Well… I mean, it’s… I mean it’s not like this is my cage, but-”
“Oh my god, Bella. What the fuck?” Elric dropped his sword and shield to the ground and began to pace.
“Ha. Hahahaha,” Firemouth’s laugh echoed off the enormous cave’s walls as he lit up another drag of his pipe. “Yeah Bella, what the fuck?”
Elric put his hands on his hips. “Have any of these been real, then?”
Bella bit her lip and looked away.
“Oh what the FUCK, BELLA?!” Now Elric’s voice echoed.
“Haaaaa! Hahahaha,” Firemouth exhaled more purple smoke as he laughed. “I’m sorry, this isn’t funny. This is pretty fucked up, actually. I’m so sorry, dude.”
Bella kicked the cage door out and stormed up to Elric, pointing her finger in his face. “Don’t you fucking curse at me, you fucking pussy!”
“Holy fucking shit, Bella! How many dragons have I killed for you?!”
“Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it! You rode out here as fast as you could!”
“Oh shit, so this… this has been, like… happening for like… a while, hasn’t it?” Firemouth’s eyes had turned blood red.
Bella turned to Firemouth. “Shut the fuck up, you fucking pothead! You’re ruining it!”
“Don’t turn this around on him!” Elric grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. “You’ve been getting yourself kidnapped for years!”
Bella pushed Elric away. “Yeah, well…” she stopped as her face started to seize up.
“What… what’s going on? Is she like… ok, man?” Firemouth was barely hanging onto consciousness.
“Are you… are you trying to cry? Are you actually trying to cry right now?” Elric’s eyes widened in amazement. “WOW, Bella. WOW.”
Her face immediately turned to scorn. “Fuck you, you fucking asshole. Why don’t you go suck your wizard friend’s dick some more?”
“Really? You’re going to bring Merlin, the ancient wizard who came back from the dead to tell me I’m the hero chosen to reunite the provinces?”
“Yeah, you’ve got time for him, but never for me!”
“That’s because he’s helping me avoid the fucking orc apocalypse!”
“Fuck you!” Bella spit at Elric.
“I’m done. I’m out of here. Go fuck yourself, Bella,” Elric picked up his sword and shield, and walked towards the mouth of the cave.
Bella followed, screaming at him. “Don’t you think we’re fucking done here, you son of a bitch!”
“Don’t fucking follow me! Get your own needy ass home! And don’t think…” Elric’s voice faded out as they left the cave.
Firemouth took another drag of his pipe and exhaled. “Oh fuck- Hey! You guys want your cage, or like…?”
Writing prompt via /r/writingprompts
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