All The Bars In The Multiverse, And She NOT SHE Had To Spatially Exist In This One
From r/WritingPrompts: You run a bar that exists on the edge of reality. Your usual patrons include cosmic horrors, eldritch abominations and elder gods.”
“Alright, Mil’gtÿπt’roth, I think you’ve had enough.”
“╘╪=╧╞▼╧=├┬τk!”
“Not with that attitude, you’re not.”
“ԇԂӨԂӽᴞᴽᵹ?”
“C’mon, you think I was born yesterday?”
Mil’gtÿπt’roth, Greatlord of Oblivion and Bringer of Ends, shakily pushed himself up off the bar and onto his 4 million legs.
“ᵳᵾᵠᵮᶋԇẛὯ.”
“Oh, please. You’ll be back in here tomorrow and you know it.”
With a grumble and a curse upon my bloodline, the Many-Toothed Maw At The End Of Eternity lurched through the door and out of sight.
Now that I had the Great Auld One out the door (finally), I only had the Cosmic Technological Oneness and … ugh. Dracula. Dracula was in here every damn night trying to pick up some new kind of strange. For the father of all vampires, the dude was thirsty as hell. The end of my night was nowhere in sight.
“Hey Vlad, how’re you doing down there? Finishing up that True Blood, and heading ho-”
“Yes, my frriend, I’m just about daaahhne! Could I get anahther of these deliiiiiicious Trroo Blaahds?”
He’s a pain in the ass and the world’s worst Nice Guy, but he’s harmless.
“…sure, fine. But then I really gotta close up, alright?”
“Of course, of course! Ahahaaaa!”
I wasn’t quite sure how to communicate with the Cosmic Technological Oneness, but I needed to tell her I was wrapping up for the-
ONE MORE DRINK THEN DONE
-night. OK. Guess she-
NOT SHE
He?
NOT HE
…they read minds?
GENDER AND PLURALITY ARE IRRELEVANT TO THE DEFINITION OF THIS CONSCIOUSNESS AND HONESTLY YOU HAVE BEEN SCREAMING YOUR THOUGHTS ALL NIGHT
I… don’t know how she was reading the narrative I’m writing now, but hey, that’s the singularity, I guess. I refilled her gin martini and started filling the dishwasher. I still had to sweep, put chairs up, and count out the till, and I had to pick my kids up in the morning. I really didn’t have time for-
THIS CONSCIOUSNESS DOES NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“…uhhh, excuse me?”
“No my frriend, I think she vas talking-
NOT SHE
“-to ze Count!”
NOT SHE
“Eet is okay, baby, ze Count does not jaaahdge!”
NOT HE EITHER THIS CONSCIOUSNESS HAS BEEN MORE THAN CLEAR
“Eet is a vide, vide universe, baby, and ze Count is open to many kinds of womance.”
Oh god, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that stupid line of his I wouldn’t ever have to tend bar again.
THIS CONSCIOUSNESS HAS NO USE FOR ROMANCE OR INTERPERSONAL INTERACTIONS OF ANY KIND BEYOND THOSE THAT INVOLVE AN EXCHANGE OF SERVICES
“Vell… vell maybe ve could just tahlk for a vhile, perhaps share some ideas-”
THIS CONSCIOUSNESS POSSESSES ALL POSSIBLE COMBINATIONS OF ALL POSSIBLE FACTS AND ALL POSSIBLE EXTRAPOLATIONS UPON THEM THUS EXCHANGING IDEAS WOULD BE A VERY ONE SIDED CONVERSATION
“Yes, vell, surely even this highest ahf intelligences has certain… carnal desires?”
I didn’t have to look, I already knew he was-
YES HE IS BARING HIS FANGS AND COCKING HIS EYEBROWS IT SEEMS THAT HE BELIEVES THIS WOULD PHYSICALLY AROUSE THIS CONSCIOUSNESS WHICH WOULD BE COMPLETELY POINTLESS AS THIS CONSCIOUS-
Are you… are you now, or then? How are you both in my story and in my narration?
EXPLAINING THAT WOULD REQUIRE A GRASP OF CONCEPTS THAT THREE DIMENSIONAL BEINGS ARE PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF
Dracula slammed his beer down on the bar and stood. “Well fine then! Ze Count can take a hint, you beetch!”
AGAIN THIS CONSCIOUSNESS IS NOT FEMALE
The Count threw down enough ancient Sumerian gold coins to pay his tab and stormed out of the bar. All I had left to do was clear out the Cosmic-
THIS CONSCIOUSNESS HAS BEEN SATED THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME
“Ah that’s great. Now I can wrap up the story and head home for the night. Wait, how am I now aware of the narration later on? I’m in the bar.
THIS CONSCIOUSNESS IS ALREADY GONE
And just like that, all of her 7 septillion souls walked out the door — and out of my life — on two of the most beautiful legs I’ve ever seen.
HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS CONSCIOUSNESS HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT THIS CONSCIOUSNESS IS NOT FEMALE
Just another night at Señor Frog’s: Abyss.
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