2014/15 Preview — Part 1
Ahoy there! Continuing our Pink Taco 14/15 season preview, we profile the teams that have survived 2013/2014 to make it to this season, brought to you by our very own on-location reporter Mas Bin Selamat:
THE OLD GUARD
Evergreen Old Boys
Manager: Derrick K
Alma mater: Raffles Institution
Affiliated club: Manchester United
13/14 season finish: 1st
Named after an incestuous Korean high school, the Old Boys enjoyed a spectacular debut season, edging out Clampork by a single point to finish as worthy champions. Derrick K led the competition with his unique blend of an ultra-disciplined transfer policy and a knack for picking out top talent just before they blossom at bargain basement prices. Like poison gas, Old Boys’ modus operandi is murder without so much as a word.
Affiliated player: Eden Hazard
Managerial doppelgänger: Arsène Wenger
Quotable quote: “☺”
Clampork C.F.
Manager: Kai C
Alma mater: Raffles Institution
Affiliated club: Newcastle United
13/14 season finish: 2nd
The 12/13 champions helmed by Kai C is widely known for his rigorous moneyball approach to squad selection, claiming scalps against stronger teams through statistical analysis and constant mind gamez. Pundits have cited Kai C’s arrogance in refusing to purchase those he deemed “bandwagon players” as the core reason for Clampork’s failure to retain the title. Question is, will hubris get the best of this talented manager again this season?
Affiliated player: Leighton Baines
Managerial doppelgänger: Jose Mourinho
Quotable quote: “Bert turned down my offer for him to captain Suarez and for me to captain Baines”
Balabootu
Manager: Bertram Ng
Alma mater: Anglo-Chinese School
Affiliated club: Arsenal
13/14 season finish: 3rd
Bankrolled by camel molesters, Balabootu manager Bertram N’s commitment to amassing the most popular players in the world have led to a dramatic increase in both shirt sales and managerial jealousy, chiefly by Clampork’s Kai C. Boasting a net worth of £118 million towards the end of last season, Bertram N’s band of galacticos set many tongues wagon whenever they lost, but those losses were few and far between for this star-studded side. #doesmoneybuywins?
Affiliated player: Aaron Ramsey
Managerial doppelgänger: Manuel Pellegrini
Quotable quote: “I have 12 points on my bench. Missed 17 points on captain. And lost by bonus points. I quit fpl.”
LOINS XII
Manager: Ren L
Alma mater: Raffles Institution
Affiliated club: Liverpool
13/14 season finish: 4th
Unapologetically bullish and fiercely supportive of their manager’s flamboyant style, LOINS fans are touching themselves at the prospect of yet another successful season, replete with exotic captain choices, seemingly irrelevant fun facts and a scouting network that reaches even the most obscure players in the lowest of leagues. Lee’s unorthodox style is an explosive and volatile one, lending itself to both incredible winning and losing streaks.
Affiliated player: Yaya Touré
Managerial doppelgänger: Robert Martínez
Quotable quote: “Eh seriously I should just quit my job and be a full time pundit”
AFC Crystal Phallus
Manager: Bryan T
Alma mater: Anglo-Chinese School
Affiliated club: Manchester United
13/14 season finish: 5th
When it comes to transfer policy, Crystal Phallus is the team with the biggest cojones. Lead by stylish manager Bryan T, Phallus made his name by becoming the first to buy and then sell the same player within a single transfer window. Bryan T is a big fan of the male member and has worked to improve his squad’s stamina, penetration and finishing over the course of the summer break. Phallus players know that a one poor showing is all it takes to get the chop.
Affiliated player: David Silva
Managerial doppelgänger: André Villas-Boas
Quotable quote: “I bought Ser McGregor of Hull yesterday evening literally half an hour before news came out that he would be out for 4–6 weeks. Seriously. Sick to my core. Wasted. I want to chop up somebody’s dick into little pieces.”
PukiMark
Manager: Mark C
Alma mater: Anglo-Chinese School
Affiliated club: Arsenal
13/14 season finish: 7th
A relentless tinkerer, Mark C has introduced several fresh managerial concepts to the league with varying degrees of success. The all-number-10 midfield, the Ramsey-less squad and the squad-with-Dikgocoi were some memorable experiments hatched by this mad genius. If you beat PukiMark, they will be gracious with their expletive-laden plaudits. If you lose, they will be relentless with their expletive-laden insults.
Affiliated player: Artur Boruc
Managerial doppelgänger: David Moyes
Quotable quote: “I’M CONFIRM MANAGER OF THE WEEK!”
JCTCFC
Manager: John C
Alma mater: Anglo-Chinese School
Affiliated club: Arsenal
13/14 season finish: 8th
JCFCTC’s fearsome fanbase of skinheads is known for three things: a burning hatred for dead people, a searing hatred for black people and a mild hatred for all people. Despite their poor finish last season, the JCFCTC ultras have rallied in support of beleaguered manager John C. His challenge this season will once again be motivating his black players to perform, many of whom did poorly last season because they feared for their lives.
Affiliated player: Frazier Campbell
Managerial doppelgänger: David Moyes
Unquotable quote: “Why must you be so racist”
Tomorrow is the big day gentlemen — we shall preview the new teams that will be battling for glorious honours in 2014/2015 before we embark on this magical journey together. Toodles!