Guys, Chill Out About Breasts Already
Women’s breasts are more regulated than banks. With all of the restrictions regarding when and how a woman’s nipples should be exposed, you’d think the tiny circles of flesh held the secrets of the universe. Despite what movies, music, or that weird guy yelling on the train say, it has nothing to do with notions of decency and has everything to do with us men losing all of our senses when it comes to this particular adornment of the female physique.
Our collective inability to keep our shit together when we see a pair of bare breasts has created a generations-long tradition of teaching girls and women that their bodies are something to be ashamed of. Even online, women’s breasts are considered pornographic just in their existence. Thankfully, The Internet is fighting back. #Freethenipple, the campaign inspired by Lina Esco’s spectacular film, aims to force uncomfortable men worldwide to ask themselves the tough question of why they can’t deal with the sight of a topless woman. Ladies posting to the hashtag essentially do as the title suggests — free their nipples — by posting topless photos to social networks, challenging the absurd fact that its okay for Rick Ross to post a half-naked selfie on Instagram but Rihanna, Chelsea Handler,or anyone else without a Y chromosome can’t.
Recently, the movement went viral after 17-year-old Icelandic student Adda Þóreyjardóttir Smáradóttir announced an upcoming ‘Free the Nipple’ day at The Commercial College of Iceland. Adda quickly became a part of the all too common, increasingly baffling cycle of women taking a stand online and receiving verbal abuse from dudes with shockingly little to do as a result.
“It was difficult and I had to delete the picture for a few minutes, but it was enough to start a revolution,” Þóreyjardóttir explained on Facebook.
Men who spew vitriol at topless women are a special kind of crazy: these men are incapable of not making any issue, conversation, or idea about them. Do not be one of these men. They have bad skin and wear terrible jeans. If you find yourself feeling squeamish around an au naturel woman, take a deep breath and try to remember the following key truths about women’s breasts. First, Women’s nipples do not exist to excite men. I know, I know, boobs are like, amazing, but they are not on a woman’s body to be stared at. It is probably a good idea to give plenty of attention to your consensual partner’s breasts in the bedroom. But since you wouldn’t expect (or appreciate) every woman you encounter to gawk intently at your penis-outline (seriously, everyone can see) — you should probably keep the staring to a minimum.
Are you still hyperventilating because you scrolled past a picture of Miley’s breasts? Remember, you have nipples too! I want you to get in front of a mirror and rip off your shirt — nipples! This is where the male condition gets strange: if you gain enough weight you can make your breasts look just like Kate Upton’s — okay,maybe not Kate Upton but you get the point — so why is it that when they live on the upper chest of a woman it’s suddenly DEFCON 5?
If remembering your own, actually useless, male nipples isn’t enough, consider the following: A guy who has made the decision to stop thinking about his weight sits next to you at a football game, team-colored paint peeks through the sleeves on his jersey — he’s a super fan. This guy is totally free to tear off his clothing and gyrate about in the freezing cold next to your kids because he has a penis. If the hypocrisy isn’t obvious, listen to 17-year-old Adda Þóreyjardóttir explain it:
“Men pull up their shirt when celebrating their favorite footballer and it is not a rare sight. But how would society react if I did the same?” she said on Facebook.
So far, we’ve taken the rational approach, appealing to men who still possess normal cognitive function. Of course, there is a small (albeit incredibly vocal) segment of society that believes the thin layer of clothing separating the outside world from the life-giving extremities on a woman’s body is what keeps us from sliding headfirst into the apocalypse. Do not listen to these people. Everyone knows that the only thing keeping us from sliding headfirst into the apocalypse is Netflix.
A woman shouldn’t have to make decisions based on what horny assholes around her might think or do. It’s our job as horny assholes to keep it together, so next time you catch a glimpse of a girl’s nipples through her shirt — or lack thereof — CHILL THE FUCK OUT!
