What’s so bad about looking Chinese?
At the end of June, I wrote a post in Seeing I’s titled “You look so Chinese”, a comment I’d often heard from my mother. The story was later published in #StopAsianHate, a Medium publication. Here’s a link: https://stopasianhate.medium.com/you-look-so-chinese-246189c4d000
My mother’s statement was made to correct some aspect of my appearance and I never wondered about her choice of words. Other Chinese-Americans have told me that they, too, have heard similar comments and reacted as I did.
Now, against the backdrop of the rise in anti-Asian hate crimes, I can’t stop thinking about those words. And the more I think, the more uncomfortable I become with the questions that arise.
- What does it mean to look Chinese?
- Why would a Chinese woman say that to her daughter?
- How is it possible that I never realized how odd those words were in our context?
- How did the statement affect me?
- What happened in our society that made it possible for Chinese immigrants and their Chinese-American children to internalize such a self-denigrating value?
I did not suffer in American society. On the contrary, my parents lived the American dream and I flourished in predominantly white New England. I am an American, I grew up with the lore of our Founding Fathers and I share the basic values upon which America was founded.
When I moved to Germany, I struggled to explain to the Germans that it’s possible in the US to be both Chinese and American, ie. a Chinese-American. The irony is that even then, I identified primarily with white America. I could acknowledge my Chinese heritage, but had no way to incorporate being Chinese into my image of myself. And I continued to avoid looking too Chinese.
What’s so bad about looking Chinese? What was I afraid of?
It’s time for me to find a way to face the issues I’ve dodged so skillfully in the past. I will write more about this and welcome your reactions, especially if you’ve had similar experiences.
