The pain of expertise
and learning to let go of expectations
I'm used to writing as an expert. I don’t say that to brag, in fact I think it’s been a kind of limitation. There is the pressure to be authoritative, to be critical in a logical way, to be scientific (only valuing knowledge based on experimentation and/or rigorous statistical analysis), to be instructive, to support with empirically-based methods. I’m so used to this role, as my whole life has been a training to act this way — I remember running for class president in grade 3 (I lost to a girl. A very smart girl I may add); I became intellectually competitive at a young age, wanting to be the fastest reader, the quickest to comprehend, to charge ahead of the class in math. The teacher recognition and special attention I received was more important to me emotionally than I was conscious of; in fact I was completely unconscious of my motivation. And with all that came the identification with a critical writing style, as befitting a man of high education. Again, the authoritative voice…
I want to open up more to the other voices — the creative, the funny, the compassionate. Here’s where I freeze up, I don’t know where to start. Until I realize that I already have opened up, that I have changed; I’m writing this aren’t I? I have just exposed a very personal side of myself, a type of weakness, calling myself out as a stick in the mud, boring, pedantic…NO! And yet it seemed that that’s what people wanted of me, the same way I got asked to be the pitcher on the baseball team, because someone thought I could do it, and of course I embraced that and loved being the star. When I grew up there was no reason to stop before obtaining a Ph.D. and becoming an expert on something. I chose clinical psychology, so now people were coming to me for help solving important emotional and behavioural problems.
Once again they (the patients) want me to be an expert, but at the same time relate to them as a peer/friend/supporter. I need to respect the basic humanity of the patient, regardless of the configuration of symptoms. I want to be compassionate, funny, creative and scientific, all at the same time. A tall order, but a great challenge. In my writing this will manifest as no more competitiveness, no more seeking approval from authorities, just doing what I do, using what I know, all of it, and reflecting back on my experience.
There is no way to get certified as an expert on writing about one’s personal experience. I am writing as one individual experiencing life and trying to convey that to others, for whatever reasons I choose to do so.
Why do I do it? Perhaps for the same reason so many people are doing it on Medium? I’ve talked about this before (see “There is a me in Medium”). I see it as a form of therapy and the social component as a therapeutic community. That is actually an awesome thing, or at least it could be.
