Why I’m Becoming Envious of Myself
Today, I realized I love myself.
Envy, as Harold Coffin phrased it, is the art of counting other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.
Now, I’m not a creative person. I have never thought highly enough of myself to be able to “create” something worthy to be proud of or even to waste the time trying to do so. I simply wasn’t “blessed” with natural talents of creativity and so why bother trying? But lately, I’ve been experiencing a paradigm shift in my way of thinking.
I started to think about the people I was envious of and why I’m envious of them. Artsy people are amazing, to be able to doodle something I would happily pay money for is so commendable and something that tinges me green. Musicians, writers, painters, poets — all of them have something I’ve never had. The will to create and the confidence to do so.
I woke up at 7:38 in a beautiful house in the even more beautiful Lagos, Portugal. There was some noisy construction and I actually had a bit of a sore throat (CORONA!?). I decided to have a bath and when I came downstairs my partner was cleaning the kitchen and there was a coffee with coconut milk waiting to greet me and my sore throat (we ran out of regular milk and the drink was actually quite gross). But then, something wonderful happened. I planned my day and I couldn’t help but smile at how lovely it was going to be.
9:30 — Study Unit 2 of Teaching English as a Foreign Language
11:00 — Have breakfast
12:00 — Read some blogs on Medium
13:00 — Sketch a dead tree and a line drawing
14:00 — Have lunch
14:30 — Watch Community
15:00 — Nap
17:00 — Start my first shift at work
A while ago I started to write this blog, and sometime after that, I made the decision to not study my chosen Masters's degree in Organizational Psychology. Instead, I would attend the University of Life.
Since I’m not European, spending 19,000 euros on a Masters in the Netherlands was a very unappealing pathway and with my dad losing his job due to Corona, it became even less so. It was apparent that this Masters simply wasn’t my passion — which is why I couldn’t imagine investing such exorbitant amounts of money into it. With a lot of time on my hands and a lack of direction (once again), I chose to do things that I was afraid of. I went to an Arts Store and bought oil paints.
My first painting was laughable. But my second was less so, and it was this small encouragement (and the kind words of my partner) that I needed to know that as long as I keep trying, I will keep getting better.
So, why am I envious of myself? Well, whilst I was sketching I suddenly became aware that there is no one else on this planet that I wish I could be. Sure there are traits and habits of people that I want to embody more e.g. being more mindful, reading about the environment, etc. But now that I know that I want those things, I know I will take the time to do them.
All I could think about was the nasty “cool girl” from my high school Chemistry class and how actually, I would happily choose my life, my routine, and myself over her and anybody else.
I think I have a new crush, and I think it’s me.
The Takeaway
The cliché “be yourself” is pretty damn lame and extremely broad. I’m not good at painting, so should I stop? It isn’t really me and since I’m bad at it, why bother? Well, I think I should continue to bother with it because it makes me happy. When I see a small improvement, it makes me even happier! And then I tell people and they share in my happiness because I’m spreading a positivity that can’t be shaken.
So, do what makes you happy, and if you’re terrible at it, try it again. And again. And again. You have to try something an average of 18 times to know you don’t like it — have you tried 18 times? Did at least some of those attempts make you happy? Then do it again!
You may not be “blessed” with the natural talents on your first go, but you will get better, you will learn about yourself, and you will grow.
Thanks for reading x
References
Coffin, H. (2020). Envy. Retrieved from Citais: https://citatis.com/a1078/22f24/
Fetters, A. (2016). Can You Really Learn to Like Healthy Foods? Wellness.
