Fear is Not Real

Time waits for no one and its almost midyear. Looking back, what have you done with your life?

I’m sure everyone must have heard of the death of the rapper Nipsey Hussle. I didn’t personally know who he was or his music but somehow his death got a hold on me. Right now, the whole Black and even White community is mourning him. This man served his Community. He had a family whom he loved to bits and he used what he had to make a change. And he was sadly murdered in front of his shop, his legacy he had spent decades to build. Three days before his death, he made an interview with his girlfriend Lauren London and from their chemistry, you could see they made use of the time they had together to grow a strong relationship. None of them knew the next few days would mean they would never see each other again. And as I sat on my bed on the 31st of March I asked myself: If you died today, what mark will you leave on this earth?”

“Poetry … is the revelation of a feeling that the poet believes to be interior and personal which the reader recognizes as his own.”
— Salvatore Quasimodo

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always loved writing. In secondary school, my classmates will meet me to write either birthday, friendship or love poems. It’s the only thing that came naturally to me and as I grew older and got exposed to other poets, I knew this was something I wanted to do. I wanted to be heard. To be seen. I wanted my poetry to pierce through souls like I knew them personally. I wanted my words to feel real because my writing was. But fear! I spent years wondering if my poetry was enough. If I didn’t sound too emotional. Too broken. Too depressed. Too angry. Too desperate. Too empty. Too soft. Too me. And so, every now and then, I gave up.

The only competition you have is with yourself.

The thing about fear is it cripples you. It keeps you focused on the past or worried about the future. It feeds off your insecurities. We have all these questions popping up and invading our sanity. What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t make it? What if people don’t like it? What if I fail? But the more you try to avoid failure, the more you fail. The more you try to run away from your feelings and your destiny, the more it catches up with you. You keep thinking all these negative thoughts but what if you changed the scenario: What if you succeed? What if people love it? What if you are enough?

“Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul.”

It hurts to know you are the problem. That you are the one stopping yourself from growing. It hurts to look into the mirror and realize the reason why you are not where you want to be, is you. I was my own enemy of progress because no matter how much people said what I wrote was beautiful and deep, it wasn’t to me. I felt I needed to do more. I always had these excuses; “ I don’t have the necessary resources. I don’t have it altogether. I’m still in school. I don’t have time. I’m not good enough.” Of course, you don’t have it altogether. Nobody does. This is why when people reach success, they realize it isn’t what they thought it’d be. When you approach life with a ‘perfect’ mentality, your heart is broken into a million pieces.

The key is to start with what you have.

I decided enough is enough and I picked up my pen again. I tested the waters by posting a poem and people loved it. They even asked me to consider writing a book (if only you knew it was already in the making) and I guess that was it. And as this month started, I decided to do spoken word. This was one of my biggest fears because I didn’t feel my voice was enticing enough to express feelings. But today, I chose acceptance of myself over the validation of others. I chose compassion over judgment. Courage over fear. Action over thought. I am creating a tomorrow I’ll be proud of. I am building a legacy I can pass on. I’m manifesting everything I want for my life from this month onwards. No more living in fear or regret.

Doubt your doubts.

If there is anything I wanna do more in my life right now, is life to the fullest. I never want to say the words “I wish I had done that.” Because life is too short and this is not me meaning I’ll squander it away. I will enjoy every step. I will make use of every opportunity. I will be happy and I will start with what I have. Just go for it.

If there is anything you can pick from this post, it is this:

Live about it. Write about it. Laugh about it. Walk about it. Love it. Feel it. Sing about it. Paint about it. Dream about it. Fight for it. Produce it. Reason about it. Move about it. Stand for it. Do something about it. Believe in it. Be proud of it. Be about it. Whatever ‘it’ is.

Affirmation:

I am a young, talented black woman who’s going to leave an impactful legacy. I will not procrastinate and I will hustle to my fullest ability.

If you wanna check out my spoken word/poetry, here is a link to it: