Finding yourself won’t make you happy.
“I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.”
To me, there is no such thing as finding yourself. There is losing oneself, knowing oneself, loving oneself and creating oneself. If you talk about finding yourself, then you are saying there is a particular version of you, just like you find a particular shoe or dress. Yes, we are all unique in our various ways but just like dresses who with age get small and no longer fit us, we change and there are different versions of ourselves based on our experiences, choices, influences, environment etc. Hence the reason why I say we don’t find ourselves; we create the kind of person we want to be in our journey through life.
“Know thyself’’: If I knew myself, I’d run away.
I’ve been on a self-love journey for forever. Well, I never really knew about the concept till 5 years ago but it sure feels like an eternity. I always thought once I have this “love thyself” thing figured out, I will be happy. Oh, how I was wrong. The thing about discovering who you are is you may even hate yourself for a while. You will run from what you find out. You may realize whatever you’re chasing is an illusion or perfection and you’re not what you thought you were. You will not be happy because you will discover you are not that good or kind or tolerant or patient or perfect. You are a walking ball of imperfections and insecurities. You start wondering where they come from or why you behave the way you do. It’s not funny. The process is not pretty. And then you lose yourself.
Losing yourself:
“I lost myself trying to please everyone and now I’m losing everyone because I’m choosing myself”
It’s been long since I’ve been myself (if I even know myself) and when I dig deep down, the only reason I felt lost in the first place is that I ignored my true feelings. I ignored that little voice inside of me. I went people pleasing; suffocating my own needs and seeking validation from others. Most times when we feel lost, we are exhausting ourselves on things that don’t serve us. We are betraying ourselves and shutting the light within us. And like they say, ‘to find yourself, you have to lose yourself’. But you can avoid losing yourself if you simply stop belittling your needs and standing up for yourself.
Knowing yourself:
“No one man can, for any considerable time, wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which is the true one.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne
To be able to know yourself or accept truths about yourself, you need to be honest. What makes you happy? What lights up your soul? What brings out the worst in you? Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. Set boundaries. That’s the only way you will get to core matters/reasons. Be real. No facades. Don’t be scared to open up old wounds. Rediscover what it is that brought you to where you are. Be aware of your feelings more, rather than numb them. Allow yourself to feel things. Experiment. That’s how you get to know who you are.
Loving yourself:
“Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth becomes more important than looking good.”
True love comes from accepting we are not perfect. Embracing our flaws and working towards being a better person. Even if loving yourself doesn’t come easily, start by liking those things you despise. You’ll always have a big forehead or awkward laughter. You may be hairier than others. Deal with it. Make fun of yourself so it becomes normal. Find beauty even in the ugliest of cracks. Learn to be with yourself rather than avoiding yourself with limiting habits. We have to dare to love yourself, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be. Show up daily and be real. Make the choice to be honest. The choice to let your true self be seen. Bare your soul naked and embrace every bit of it.
Creating yourself:
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”
I wonder how many people do you need to be before you become yourself. A lot. At 5 you wanted to be a doctor. At 12, a fashion designer. At 18, a journalist. At 25, a makeup artist or a writer or whatever dream you have right now. You were a different person at each period of time. You wanted different things back then. Tomorrow you’ll want different things. Each person represents someone you were. They are not invalid. You’ve learned along the way and you’ll learn some more so don’t limit yourself. Give life your all. Remind yourself that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing.
So in all, I don’t think we find ourselves; we create ourselves and so go on, be your best version, even if it takes a thousand years. Just never stop trying, but remember, don’t go looking for perfect. Perfect is unattainable. Learn to enjoy every minute of your life and if you insist on ‘finding’ yourself, you’ll never be happy because you’ll find yourself changing more than often. Infuse your life with passion. Don’t wait for things to happen; make them happen. Life is too short to be stuck on ifs, maybes, should-haves, shouldn’t-haves and comparing yourself to others when there should be more “I need to try this”. Break the rules and reinvent yourself.
