Gratitude
The Spirit of Christmas: My word of the year.
At the start of the year, I was lost, confused and unbeknownst to me, I was living without purpose or direction. In retrospect, my life looked great to the old me. The old me walked into 2018, with all on lockdown or so I thought. I was in a toxic relationship, had no objectives, was a shadow of myself, with confidence and self-love at ground zero. Who cared? not me anyway.
My friends were the ones to start noticing I was spiralling out of control; I was out every weekend, was in a relationship with someone who clearly was bad news, burying myself in work, barely hanging in. They tried to talk me out of it, make me see reason; my stubbornness won’t let me understand.
Two things stopped me dead in my tracks, disrespect from my then partner and arguments with my most trusted circle. My trigger wasn’t what he did per say, mainly the fact that he thought he could do those things to me, that it was all good. Things everyone knew I could never tolerate from anyone. It wasn’t love, it was anxiety hidden under a bed of attachments. Reality hit home, I left, no goodbyes or hatred, it wasn’t worth it. I was done being less of me to flatter his ego, believing lies because they hurt less, investing all of me at a loss. I came out of it angry, at myself, for all the terrible choices made.
Coupled to that, my most trusted circle could barely recognize me, I forced myself to stop and stare in the face the mediocre life I was so content with. To ask the painful questions and accept the painful truth, I was a shadow of myself hiding behind a smile and a few OK’s, burying myself in to do lists. I hung on the image of the old me, before the hurts, anxiety and pain took that away. I knew I had to be strong not for myself, no, for all those that loved me. I owed them that much.
As the year went on, I redefined my priorities, learnt to be optimistic and to stay positive. Apologised to my inner self for all the stress endured. Self-love is a necessity, it’s not selfishness, it’s vital to put emotions and feelings aside, find what makes you happy, eliminate what doesn’t and have the courage to say no, take a step back to do something for yourself.
It sounds easy though it’s not. You might have to break some relationships, burn some bridges and get on people’s backs (there’s a lot of this). You learn the hard way that the search for happiness is a rough road, personal development is an everlasting job and boy, is it hard!
The hardest part is accepting that you fucked up and are willing to grow above all that mess. Then starts the cleanup, you just delete some people from your life, no second thoughts, you start doing all those things you said you couldn’t do. To me that translates to writing articles, going to the gym, joining the choir (don’t you dare laugh), working with the church, hanging around amazing people and so much more. I did in a year a whole lot of stuff I thought I could never do alone, pushed myself a tad further, in more ways than one.
One thing for sure is having an amazing entourage helps a lot. They know the real you, so they won’t hesitate to call you out on your fake shit. In those moments, my faith in the good Lord quadrupled, I learnt what it was to trust Him and let go, especially when I didn’t agree. Most importantly, I learned what it was to be grateful, for the little things and the big things.
So if I asked about my word of the year, I’ll say gratitude. Why, because I’m grateful for the listening ears, shoulders I cried on, all night talks, random visits, hugs, answered prayers, bad jokes and amazing support. I’m grateful to all those that helped me grow into who I am, though I’m still a work in progress, I appreciate the time and effort put to get me to do better and be better. I’m grateful to be alive and healthy, grateful for the amazing people I met and for the opportunity to write and have you read. I’m just grateful.
