On Being Constantly Motivated

The Price to Pay Now

I thought I was just feeling down. I have my moments when I get depressive- reason why I know at some point, I’ll need to seek professional help.

I want to talk to a therapist.

Thanks to the multiple articles I read, as well as non-fiction( not self-help), I am able to redirect my thoughts. Even monitor them for the pattern that leads to events that require that I lock myself up and recharge.

I call it recharging.

In 2011, my father had to travel miles to find out what was wrong with me. I’d shut my phone down. No calls. No messages. I barely ate. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

The look on his face felt more like the kind you have when you fear the worst for someone. To me, I was just recharging. I know it could have been worse if he hadn’t showed up when he did.

Now, I have a variation of this. I can’t stand anyone’s company for a certain amount of time. I’ve been monitoring. Testing how long till I start feeling this hole in my chest.

You’ll never know it’s happening. You’ll never know I just want you to leave me alone- physically alone. Whether you’re my mother, girlfriend, best friend or sibling. There is only so much physical presence I can stand for long periods.