The Daughter You Always Wanted
Hi Mum, Hi Dad…
I have a confession.
I don’t wanna be a doctor or an engineer or anything you expected me to be.
Are you mad at me?
Lately, I’ve been dealing with anxiety
Wondering how I’ll ever spark this conversation
On how to set my life in the right direction
But each time this sudden fear grips me
I feel like I’m suffocating
I dread the day I tell you my secrets/dreams
Will you understand me?
I’ve been living in the shadows of your decisions
It’s like you chose this life for me
Almost as if I’m living the dreams you never got the chance to achieve
But what about me?
Do I have a say or do I just comply as one of the “children’s obligations”?
To love and honor your parents no matter the situation
Even to my own detriment?
Is living supposed to be a punishment?
If I stood for myself, even if that means going against you
Will you support me?
I’m still figuring out things about myself
Who I am, what I really want and need
I’m still trying to forgive myself
For my mistakes and unsaid apologies
For a long time, I carried baggage from my childhood
At least I got lessons on what not to do in my parenthood.
For some time I was depressed
But that’s a word no one wants to hear
But the more I shut my mouth,
The more I silence the voice within me,
The more it’s hard to forget
Or heal or move on or get help
So tell me, if I showed you my wounds
Will you still want me?
With every choice I make
Or every time my head gets lost in the cloud
I have one thought going through my mind
“Will this make them proud?”
I’m not perfect and I may fall from time to time
But through it all,
Will you still love me?
Sammy J
