“Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.”
For someone who is way too comfortable in her space and being alone, I do speak about love a lot. What really is love? What do we mean by: “I deserve this type of love?” What type of love? Is it based on our personality? On who we are? Who defines it? Society? Our parents? Religion? Us? How do we know it really is love? How do we obtain it?
Baggage
This may be a hard pill to swallow but most of our love choices have been influenced by how our parents loved each other and how they directly or indirectly loved us in return.
1. The Emotionally Unavailable
Children who grew up with emotionally unavailable parents tend to find partners who will worship the floor on which they stand hoping it’ll compensate for the love they never had. (Considering our African parents, maybe we all fall in this category). Or they find partners who are emotionally unavailable so they have to constantly seek validation or prove their love. Or due to that same lack of affection from parents, they tend to see love as foreign. They don’t really understand it and they choose they’re better off alone. They may want it but just don’t have the strength to put in the work to keep it going. They may end up being emotionally unavailable partners too.
2. The Emotionally Abused
Girls who grew up watching their mums endure everything from their dads tend to attract similar guys in their lives. They tend to see love as a battlefield. The more they fight, the more it is proof their love is real. Guys who grew up watching their dads be manipulative may grow up seeing women as the weaker sex and prey on them. Others may see/experience these things happening and choose to not reproduce them. They will want better. And those who grew up watching healthy love, aspire to something like that. They won’t settle till they find someone who is dedicated to treating and loving them right.
Unlearning
“People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how a character is built.”
Another major influence comes from the media: romance, sex, fantasy etc. Then comes society with its complexes and how love should look like, how it should feel, how it should be. The list is endless. We then tend to blame people (ex-lovers, parents, siblings) etc for our poor choices. Maybe they played a role but ultimately, we had/have the choice to always heal before getting into relationships. We had/have the choice to make decisions and be better than how we were raised/what we saw or thought about love. We had/have the choice to know and experience love the way we want to. We had/have the choice to understand/love ourselves before getting to love someone else. We had/have the choice to be accountable and be honest about who we are, what we’ve been through, what we’ve learned, how we need to remedy things and work towards a brighter and better “we”. We always have that choice to not be our experiences and past mistakes but most times we’re too hungry to find love and eradicate the past, we forget that what isn’t healed and what is buried deep down always comes to the surface sooner or later.
“One of the most practical things you can do in the quest to breaking generational curses is to speak to your parents. A lot of the patterns we see aren’t always down to spiritual/greater forces but attitudes, character traits, decision-making systems being passed down. “
I have blamed a lot of people in my life… for not loving me like I wanted to. For not seeing me. For not understanding me. For not being patient or more tolerating. But for a greater part of my life, I never even loved myself. I never understood myself. I never knew how to communicate properly. I was never patient with myself nor did I tolerate myself. I blamed myself for every mistake. Every misstep. Every little setback. I never gave myself a chance to even slightly believe I was worth it and I deserved the world. I was so engulfed in being validated by others I forgot the most important part: I needed to validate myself first. People talk a lot about self-love with all these motivational quotes: “Love yourself.” “Love begins with you” etc but no one really tells you how hard it is to actually attain that level. It is freaking hard. It is tiring. It’s not all about bubble baths or face-masks. It’s not all about taking yourself out and treating yourself. You have to constantly do self-checks. How am I? Truly… and the automatic answer shouldn’t be “ I’m fine”. How are my thoughts? How am I feeling? Exhausted? Empty? Giving up? Why am I feeling this way? Self-care is journaling. Acknowledgement. Transparency. Honesty. Vulnerability.
“Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.”
Relearning
You have to learn to live with yourself. You have to learn to be patient with yourself. Baby steps are still steps. You have to be grateful for each step. Waking up each day and wondering “is it even worth it? “and then convincing yourself it is. You have to pick yourself up every single time. If anyone told me this would have been excruciating I wouldn’t have even tried. But there is beauty in discovering oneself. Beauty in knowing how strong we really are. Beauty in the process, in behind the scenes versus what we show the world. Beauty in our fragile natures and in our resilience.
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
While healing and gaining all this understanding of who I was and what I wanted in life, I had all this love to give so I was unashamed of giving it. I was no longer scared but I wasn’t prepared as to how to react if/when that love wasn’t reciprocated or given at the rate I would have wanted it to. What do you do when you tell someone you love them and they don’t respond? You’ll be tempted to say “they don’t deserve my love”. But here’s the thing, we all love differently. At different rates. At different intensities, so someone not responding to your “I love you” at the time doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Maybe they don’t know how to say it. Maybe it’s just not the time for them. Maybe their love language is different. And again, it’s okay for them to not love you back. Maybe we have to stop being entitled and expecting people to love us back.
“Do not mistake people’s unavailability or unreadiness as a challenge to prove your worth. That’s not what it is.”
Embrace the Process
I’m tempted to say you are what you see and experience but your experiences don’t have to define you. Unlearning certain things could be hard but staying stuck in toxic behaviors is the number one way to die slowly. Each life is made up of mistakes and learning, waiting and growing, practicing patience and being persistent. Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later. I think of life as a book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to make sense. But for you to reach another page, you have to turn the other. Your past is your past. Your mistakes are yours but the way is ahead.
Be patient. Be willing. Be dedicated. Love. Breathe. Live.
Sammy J.
