I had a conversation a while back with one of my close friends. It was about a Medium article she’d just read by The Angry Therapist titled, ‘You have to love yourself before you can love someone else — is bullshit’
She made me read it as she told me how revolutionary it was for her and had made her change a lot of her ideas around the subject of self-love. Though I had made the realization sooner, I saw her point.
We have been sold a kind of ready-made concept of perfection. Nobody tells you about the sleepless nights, the hours of endless work that goes into making anything great really- be it a work of art or a personality.
She told me, “I always thought self-love was some fixed point you get to, like some others seem to show but if it’s a work in progress then that’s reassuring.”
It’s not only reassuring, but it’s also the frigging truth! She felt so relieved because she had felt all along like there was something wrong with her for not having already ‘arrived’ that elusive ‘lalaland’.
I love the way he puts it in his piece:
…loving yourself doesn’t come with a certificate or a finish line. It’s a life long process. It’s not a class. It’s a concept.
_The Angry Therapist
It took me a while to like ‘myself’ and accept who I am. That’s the base I guess. The hardest part is over. The rest as he says is a lifelong journey. Once you accept who you are, the next thing is ‘liking’ I guess. We are all works in progress.
Accept that you are not perfect, you are not the good girl you thought you were. Accept that you make mistakes, you hurt others even when you don’t want to. You broke some promises you made. Forgive yourself and move on!
I think acceptance is amazing because when you realize your humanity, you start recognizing it in others and stop putting impossible expectations on them and on yourself.
It doesn’t happen overnight (nothing ever does really).
The scam of perfection
In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy.
Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless and uninteresting.
— Robert Glover
We all wear masks. Some have so many layers that even we can’t tell the difference anymore.
However, there are people who have mastered the art of pretense so well that they have not only succeeded in fooling us but also themselves.
I understand the vulnerability of walking without your layers, be it make-up, a tough attitude or a smile. But you will never connect with people, heck never realize the ‘real’ you if you don’t try. That stuff is crazy, and really hard and the truth is we need our covers and defense mechanisms now and again. It’s somehow the only way we can survive this madhouse life.
But if you are going to be playing a role forever, do try to find out who you are at baseline, will you? Figuring yourself out is hard enough without all the extra layers.
Who gets to say what’s Real and what’s not?
Difficult to say, really. Authenticity is not so easily verified. It’s a little like the fake sneaker epidemic right now. Even the manufacturers themselves sometimes have a hard time telling the difference.
Preaching the gospel of authentic living is so hard because you have to stop several times and ask yourself, “Wait! Who the heck do I think I am to be ditching out this sort of advice. Am I real? Well, am I?”
You have the right to change, to morph and to adapt. That’s how the human race has survived; it’s basic instinct. But if you’ll rather pretend to be a leaf rather than be the Chameleon you are, that’s up to you. Don’t just come up to some of us who are trying really hard to find out what lies beyond trying to be a leaf and attempt to sell us the lies; we won’t buy it. Well, mostly.
As if all this wasn’t already hard enough, social media had to come in and blur the already Blurred Lines. Robin Thicke himself won’t be able to figure this one out.
To be happy in our new world is to be perfect, hence our submission to diamond-forming pressure to be perfect.
…the very onset of our insecurities and feeling of worthlessness is when we consistently crave for the perfect lives of the people we follow on social media
_Nkwain Carlson, ‘Social Media: Virtual Reality and the Actual Reality’
I could tell you its all smokescreens and filters, you know it. But you still won’t believe me, will you? Because you’ve tried dealing in the same currency, followed the recipe but of course, you haven't got all the ingredients because they Just. Don’t. Exist.
Let’s end with me
I’m a clumsy, scatter-brained, obsessive individual with plenty of shortcomings. Don’t believe my last WhatsApp status, believe me now. But you won’t anyway. Not even if I showed you the corners collecting dust and cobwebs in my room and in my mind as I sit on my bed all day and quarrel with my keyboard.
I suck at taking selfies, I’m still battling my ‘residual photophobia’ as I like to call it.
I use a lot of big words and give out lots of awesome advice which I hardly ever use for myself.
Do I remotely sound like I have my shit together? Nope. And that’s fine. I trust me to keep working on me.
But Don’t ask me to trust you, unless you forget to press your clothes sometimes, mentally reply to messages, eat from the pot, prefer floors to chairs. Wait, why am I going on and going?
Basically, unless you are imperfect and human, like me.
Otherwise, sorry.
I don't trust perfect people.
I do ramble a lot, don’t I? 💭 Well, if you don’t mind then keep reading 😃
