You didn’t lose your youth.
Stop punishing the old you…
Talking about our childhood, past schools, youth is a perfect icebreaker. Everyone loved that part of their life, or so we think. It is assumed that it was a breeze of laughter and discovery, as such we rush to talk about ours, eyes shining, so enthralled in the storytelling we don’t see the empty look, plastered smile, the efforts they are making to not get swept up by a dry, vicious wind of regret and frustration.
I get curious, not a shady type of curious; more of a maybe I could say something nice and not assume everything is alright type. This pushes me to ask questions, answers to which are optional. I would understand if you went silent on me.
We got to talking about books, Medium and related stuff, I used my usual icebreaker, saw the telltale signs but I persisted, for reasons unknown to me. The dread in his eyes captured me. He finally started talking, words of pain, regret and dark times. It wasn’t my business, nevertheless, the words came to me, I had to tell him. His past held him hostage, chained in a little black memory box, shadowing his footsteps. He had to get out, needed to. He is one amongst many, it’s like a plague.
He talked of the mistakes he made, opportunities lost, broken relationships.
“I could be elsewhere, living a life way different from this one, when I think of all the things I said and did, I cringe, I lost so much, almost everything. My past haunts me, shadows me at every step, I try to drown myself in alcohol, sports, women, hoping for fatigue to carry away my nightmares for just a night, it never works. So I stay alone, why impose my burden on others? They shall never know that the darkness lives with me. The battle is already lost, all I can do is survive.”
For all those who like him are stuck in that spiral, here’s for you.
Firstly,
Youth is a period of growth and discovery, making and breaking relationships, losing and gaining faith, weight, wisdom. It’s unfortunate that people tend to look back at those years with regret. If you are one of them, stop that right away! The hands of time can’t be undone, never have been.
Secondly,
you didn’t lose your youth. You lived it in a way which, in retrospect, you might not be proud of, though it made you who you are. You have to be proud of how far you’ve come and acknowledge the path ahead. You aren’t alive for decorative purposes. Find a way that works for you, accept your past, use it to fuel your future.
Forgive the young you, Stop running, punishing yourself, people have done worse and are still alive. You are right where you need to be, be grateful and keep going.
Don’t let the hands of the past steal your future…
More from Miss Bosieh:
