Positive Self-Talk That Works

People often say, “Fake it until you make it.” When it comes to positive self-talk, however, I’ve never been satisfied with this advice. It says, “Lie to yourself until you believe it,” which makes me feel more angry than comforted because I don’t want to lie to myself, or try to fool myself into believing something, whether or not it’s true.

What is true is that I sometimes feel “negative,” and I neither want to erase my feelings, replace them, or cover them with feelings that are so-called positive or “better.” All of my feelings are a part of me, and I want to know them and understand them.

I spent my whole childhood faking happiness or pretending to be “fine” around adults who didn’t want to see how unhappy I was. I faked it, hoping “someday” I would “make it.” But at each milestone where I thought I might arrive at happiness, the goal post moved forward.

Would I finally be happy when I became a teenager? When I reached high school? When I found my first boyfriend? Got my license? Moved into my first apartment? When I got into college? With marriage and children? Long into adulthood, I put on a happy (or poker) face — when it didn’t match what I actually felt — continuing the pattern of faking, and re-inflicting childhood injuries upon myself.

There is another way to use positive self-talk that I’ve found much more valuable and useful, and it doesn’t involve faking. Instead, it involves remembering the honest pain I felt as a child. What did I want from my parents and the adults around me that I didn’t get? To begin with, I wanted the pain I felt to be seen. And I wanted my parents to be happy to see it, and to be capable of seeing it. This gives me my first positive self-talk statement:

“I am happy to know what you feel.”

Coming up with statements like this, that can immediately work to change your present, requires several steps. If you want to stop repeating the “negative” behavior patterns of the past — which most of us do automatically in attempt to overcome them — do the following instead:

Remember what you experienced. Make a list of several memories that made you unhappy as a child. Did your parents or family fight? Did you say or do something and receive ridicule or shame? Were you treated like your wants and needs didn’t matter?
Be willing to relive any pain you experienced. Your first reaction will be to avoid painful feelings, of course, just like you wanted to do as a child, but it’s very important. We can’t move beyond what we don’t remember. What we forget, or want to forget, unconsciously repeats. Remembering, however, leads you directly to the most powerful positive statements that you can create for yourself. So remember specific instances and events that you experienced as a child and exactly what you felt. In what specific ways did you not receive what you wanted or needed? Make no distinction between wants and needs. Remember why you wanted or needed these things. Why were they so important to you?
Start in your childhood voice and write down, in the form of ‘I’ statements, what you wanted. The subconscious will be more apt to believe “I” statements and know when they are true. But it will question and hesitate to believe “you” statements, even if they are true. A common positive self-talk statement such as “You are lovable” may produce disbelief. But “I wanted to feel loved” cannot be argued against, if you actually felt it. You can’t argue with an “I” statement that expresses what you really experienced. Several more examples include: “I wanted to be wanted.” “I wanted someone to ask me what I was thinking and feeling.” “I wanted hugs, not hitting.” “I wanted to feel important” (to your parents, to yourself, or to anyone else important to you). “I wanted someone to pay attention to me.” And so on.
Imagine your ideal parents’ voices. Rewrite your “I” statements in the form that you wanted your parents to speak or enact them. What actions did you want to see from your parents and the other adults in your life (teachers, family, etc.)? Remember what they wanted from you and how it made you feel. Most importantly, remember what you wanted from them.
Think in the form of actions, rather than words. This can be tricky because you are working in the form of words, but it is most powerful to remember in the form of actions. Imagine your parents’ eyes lighting up when you walked into a room. Imagine their interest and their warmth towards you. Imagine their happiness in your presence — with each other, with family, with themselves. If you can’t imagine these things in your parents, imagine the positive actions from someone else who provided what you needed, or from your adult self, expressed toward your child self.
Finally, write down the positive messages you most wanted to receive, as you wanted them expressed to you. “I love you.” “I want you in my life.” “I believe you.” “I trust you.” “I admire you.” “I feel happy around you.” “I am fascinated by you. I want to know more about you.”
Place these messages around your home, or somewhere where you’ll see them often. Feel surrounded by love.

“I see you. I admire you. I am happy to know you.”

When I followed these steps, I finally felt positive about using “positive self-talk.” Using “I” statements, rather than “you” statements, requires understanding my own wants and needs — then and now — instead of telling myself what to do. Orders usually come from someone else’s wants and needs.

It never worked to order myself to “be positive” about myself, or about anything or anyone else. Instead, working to understand, hear, and change the negative patterns I experienced and learned in childhood has resulted in liking, hearing, and wanting myself. By remembering what I wanted and needed as a child, I provide myself with the greatest power to meet my own needs today.