Reclaiming Curiosity
Tools for Self Knowledge
I’m not always honest. Sometimes I don’t feel compassion for people who have suffered. There are people who haven’t really hurt anybody, and yet I feel hatred toward them. When I realize that I’m not being honest or am lacking compassion, there are times when my mind will churn frantically away at figuring out what all the logical consequences of that are. If I’m feeling anxious about it, I’m prone to jumping to the least favorable interpretation of my actions.
I think that if I’m not being honest, then it must mean that I lack integrity. If I don’t feel compassion for someone who’s suffered, then it must mean that I’m lacking empathy, and my sense of priorities must be distorted. As you might imagine, I really don’t like thinking those things about myself. Often I’ll feel guilt and fear and I’ll just sort of freeze. I don’t explore it with curiosity, or stick up for myself against such accusations.
Because these conclusions are self generated, they have an automatic kind of credibility with me, when maybe they shouldn’t. And in either case, even if they are true, it’s still important (if not more so) to explore it and figure out what’s going on. So, let’s do that and embrace any discomfort, because it would certainly be a shame if frightening thoughts cut us off from our knowledge of ourselves.
Identity vs Fantasy
The reason I think I suppress these unpleasant thoughts is because I want to maintain a particular image I have of myself. I want to think of myself as having lots of integrity; I don’t want to see myself as a fraud or selfish.
It strikes me as ironic that an eagerness to see myself as having integrity is causal in me suppressing unpleasant thoughts. Clearly something is wrong here. If my actions are not consistent with my self image, then what kind of victory would it be to find a way to continue to believe what is not true?
I do have a fair amount of integrity and confidence in myself, and yet this pattern can still bite me from time to time. Both things are possible. So, what is identity when it’s not honest? It’s fantasy.
I love to fantasize about myself as being a leader in my community, even a savior in my own minor way. The idea of freeing other people from the demons of self doubt and self loathing sounds like it could be enormously satisfying. And to that end I’ve considered starting skype groups, building self knowledge related apps, writing books on familial propaganda and more.
Being the kind of guy I fantasize about could definitely be, more or less, possible and within my reach. But I can’t change other people, nor will it necessarily make me any more happy to do these things. It is, however, very tempting to see myself as heroic, or on my way. It certainly feels better than feeling any self doubt or self loathing myself. If my hero fantasy can offer me relief from that, I might try maintaining that identity, even at the expense of the truth.
If I indulge this grandiosity, I may find myself in the position of resenting the people who point out the truth, and frustrating myself when my heroic expectations don’t match up with reality. Anything which causes you not to see things for what they really are is tragic.
An empirical approach is a curious one.
Curiosity vs Anxiety
If someone is making a bad argument, you can accept every one of their premises and the argument will still fall.
Anxious brains work differently than relaxed ones. Each has costs and benefits. If you know what you need to do and must respond quickly to some kind of threat, the anxious brain is very good to have in that situation as it provides focus and motivation. The anxious brain is like a laser, whereas the relaxed brain is more like a flashlight.
Alison Gopnik, a researcher who works in child psychology and theory of mind gave a fascinating TED talk about the latest findings in the field. She explains that the most intense period of learning in any person’s life is in early childhood. She argues that children don’t focus the same way that adults do, and their conscious awareness is much more like the flashlight than a laser. She likened it to being in love and having drank 3 espressos.
If we are anxious and we are not sure of what to do, or need to make sure that we are not operating from some false premise, then it is in our best interest to find a way to relax. We need that creative flashlight focus to illuminate new possibilities. This is what I propose we do in response to self doubt.
If I’m arguing with someone and it gets heated, I’m prone to getting anxious when they point out an error in my thinking or flaw in my personality. In the past I lost arguments and was made to feel humiliated because of it. I could be dismissed out of hand because I was wrong before. So, the stakes can feel high in these situations. If they stump me, I don’t want to admit it. But what if that’s exactly the solution?
There is strength in humility. Confessing that I don’t have a good answer to their challenge is not defeat; it is a form of assertiveness. If someone accuses me of dishonesty, then it is similarly assertive to say “okay, well maybe so, can you provide evidence of this so that I may come to this conclusion myself?”
Things are so much more nuanced and interesting than my anxious mind can usually comprehend. The way I like to gain perspective is to say to myself “what’s the worst that can happen if I accept that I’m being dishonest?”
I find it liberating to just accept what someone is saying about me and explore it with curiosity. Is it really that bad if I’m being dishonest? Does this situation even call for honesty? Why am I being dishonest? Once I start to ask myself these questions, I almost always find that the truth is a lot more interesting than whatever they are saying about me. They might want me to conclude that I’m being dishonest, therefore I owe them an apology and should accept with guilt their own story about who I am.
By exploring my own capacity for dishonesty, I find that there are lessons to learn about when it is and isn’t appropriate and can use that knowledge in the future, to lie with awareness, and to confidently externalize the manipulative accusations of other people.
But let’s just say that I did act in some way which is irrational or harms our healthier interests. Fantastic! Let’s celebrate the possibility and knowledge of the areas we know we can improve.
That’s easier said than done, unfortunately. I have these automatic beliefs that I must have picked up somewhere that make this difficult. I believe that if I fuck up, then it is a stain on me, and one I can’t wash off so easily. I think my judgment as a whole must be flawed and not worth considering. I think that other people won’t take me seriously. And none of these things do I consciously tell myself; it’s always just below the surface, away the critical lense of my inner skeptic. I only ever notice after the fact that this is what I’m thinking. And I don’t think I’m the only one who thinks like this.
By trying to stay relaxed, I am increasingly aware of the conclusions I’m drawing. And by curiously exploring my own potential errors, I can notice and intercept these automatic beliefs, and in so doing critically evaluate the propositions advanced. Despite the flaws I do confirm, what I find is that the more I do this work, the more confident I feel about myself. The flaws I do have aren’t dark and shadowy so much as as they are humanizing and endearing.
Who are your favorite fictional characters? Do they have serious personality flaws? I’m betting that they do, and I think that’s part of what you like about them.
The most popular terms of endearment that I can think of are terms like: dork, nerd, geek and goofball. What does that tell you about what people actually like?
I’m constantly using words I don’t know the meaning of. I get completely obvious things wrong on a regular basis. I’m god awful at making pleasant conversation with people I’ve just met. I often start making a joke, assuming I’ll figure out a good punchline along the way, only to not think of anything good in time, leaving people confused, unsure whether or not to laugh (in which case I just make a fart noise with my mouth and hands).
Despite the awkwardness of my dorky personality, it seems to put people at ease and feel comfortable enough to let their guards down. That’s when you strike! Just kidding…
There are some nasty people out there who warrant accusations of toxicity and whose interests we need to oppose, but if you’re reading this and got this far, then I’m inclined to think that any fear of mistakes you may have are misguided. Perhaps there are false premises you are operating from, and the exploration of that may be as liberating for you as it has been for me.
I am convinced that we all need a little childlike wonder so that we may learn more about ourselves, the treasure chests that we are.
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