Practices of Self-Love
Week 2 Digest of the Self-Love 365 Podcast
This week, we discussed cultivating habits that are conducive — and critical, in fact — the the practice of Self-love. Our weekly mantra, which was “Self-Love is attractive to me, acted as a verbal reminder that the habits we’re cultivating are meant to manifest our ideal self-loving relationship.
Day 8: Schedule Your Self-Love
Because we haven’t been taught to love ourselves every second of every day, self-love doesn’t just “happen” on its own: we may have to schedule it until it becomes a regular part of our consciousness. And that’s okay! We’re practicing, remember?
I was recently introduced to the idea that the word “practice” contains the word “act” within it. So practicing is acting. (Thank you Mama J. Love for this valuable insight!) When we say we’re practicing self-love, we’re not talking about something stagnant — a one-time addition to our lives like a vase you put on the table & admire. The practice of self-love requires daily action, at the least.
Adopting a new routine is never easy, especially if you’re in mid-life, like I am! My brain is just about full!! I find it much easier to adopt a new routine if it’s something I both enjoy and desire to be in my life.
For example: I desire to have dry hair after I shower, but I don’t enjoy physically drying my hair. Therefore, this routine is a no-go.
An opposite example: I enjoy going to see live theater, but I don’t desire for it to be a daily, weekly, or even monthly part of my life. So…every now & then theater-visits are okay.
Something I both enjoy doing and desire to have as a daily part of my life is gardening. I love having a nice garden to look at and I enjoy working on my land. Interestingly enough, despite having the desire and the enjoyment, I still have to (sometimes) force myself to garden! That’s because I didn’t grow up digging in the dirt, or learning the names of plants, or cultivating garden layout designs. It just became a part of my life — or even an interest at all — one summer ago; so, I’m still learning and I’m still a gardening newbie.
I’ve found that some parts of gardening are very attractive — like dreaming of layouts and buying new plants — and some parts of gardening — like daily maintenance or weed-pulling — take more cajoling. For the parts I look forward to, I don’t need to schedule them. They can happen when I get the urge. For the parts I need more encouragement on, I have much more success at keeping them routine if I schedule time into my calendar to do them. (And I don’t know about you: but I need it in my actual schedule as a time-slot. I tend to ignore or push back “To Dos”!)
Self-Love is very similar. There are parts of loving myself that I am very adept at, like forgiving myself and taking care of my basic needs — eating food, drinking water, getting enough sleep. Those aren’t things I need to remind myself to do (anymore). Other parts of my ideal self-love practice are slow-going, so I need to schedule them or set reminders. For example, if I want to spend extra time reading this week, I might block off an hour of time to do so. If I want to have coffee with a friend, I definitely need to put it in my calendar! And even some important practices like taking a daily walk or recording this podcast (!) are still new enough to me that I need to schedule a time to make sure they happen.
Action Item: Create one or more calendar slot(s) to encourage daily/weekly focus on self-love.
Day 9: Patience Over Perfection
Let me ask you a question: have you ever been in a relationship where you didn’t disappoint that person? or where you weren’t disappointed? I know I haven’t! Relationships are practices, and practice makes progress — not perfection!
Self-love is also a relationship, so it follows that you’re going to make mistakes along the way. Adopting new habits involves changing your behavior and adjusting your mindset. All of these things require patience. As my good friend says, “This is the first time I’ve been a human, so I might make mistakes!”
When I forget to love myself, I might get angry, frustrated, tired, anxious, touchy, irritated, or lack energy. When this happens, I need to have a strategy in place that involves compassion, forgiveness, and patience. Really: practicing self-love IS practicing patience. The two go hand-in-hand.
When my children were little, especially when my oldest (now 13) was young, I had very little patience. I hadn’t been a mom long enough to cultivate the type of patience required for this relationship! Also, I had very high expectations — both of myself as a mother and of the institution of motherhood in general. High expectations are the enemy of patience!
Once I figured out that I both enjoyed and desired motherhood that was more forgiving and loving, I realized staying in the moment was the best way to achieve that kind of feeling. I got clearer on a strategy: staying present. And I had a backup plan when I “failed”: patience & forgiveness.
None of this meant that my experience of mothering became a perfect one. My children disappointed me, I disappointed them, and I disappointed myself. And we all continue to disappoint each other (and ourselves) frequently. Because: we’re humans! Since I know that the goal isn’t perfection, though, this doesn’t lessen my overall experience of being a mother.
I still practice patience on the daily because it doesn’t come naturally to me AT ALL (ask my kids!). And I still practice self-love because I haven’t been loving myself long enough for it to happen on its own. All of this is normal and good. The practice is in the acting, which is supported lovingly by low expectations and lots of patience!
Action Item: Aim Low, but Show Up (Surprise Yourself!)
Day 10: Let’s Talk About Self-Love
Self-talk is naturally going to play a huge part in your self-love practice. Why? Because relationships thrive on healthy communication, which is often (but not always) verbal. [Full disclosure: My husband and I don’t communicate verbally all that often; however, we do when we need to. And we have other lines of communication open!]
Let’s face it: we probably talk to our animals more than we talk to ourselves. Or at least, we talk to them more intentionally. The thing about self-talk & self-love is that it’s about more than just a voice running in your head at all times…our self-talk must be purposeful if we want it to be a loving habit.
To start off, notice and encourage your self-talk, and keep it neutral. We don’t need to worry at this point about 100% positivity, but we also don’t want to have a “negative Nancy” going at all times. Aim to just narrate what you’re doing, or to have a running dialogue that is observant in nature.
For example: I’m getting dressed and I decide to put on a lavender t-shirt. I might say to myself, “Wow, this is the 2nd day in a row you’ve worn lavender. I wonder what that’s about.” And then I might reply, “Well, this shirt is so comfortable, and also I am really digging the color lavender these days.”
See how there isn’t judgement or encouragement in that exchange? It’s just neutral & noticing.
If you want to give narration a try, try it at a mealtime. “I’m going to eat a sandwich because it’s easy and healthy. I’ll have chips, too, because I like a crunch. I’m drinking water, as a break between morning coffee & my afternoon kombucha.”
Now, I’m not saying these things out loud (though, in the beginning, you might want to practice self-talk out loud — as long as no one else is around!)…but there is a voice that’s going and I’m controlling what it says. I’m keeping it neutral and curious, even.
Did you ever have a crush on someone? In elementary school, I remember really liking this older guy. We were friends and he teased me, in a “little sister” kinda way (good for him — I was way too young anyway!). Since I never told him about my feelings, the relationship didn’t progress. And eventually we grew apart.
That’s a harmless example of not verbally communicating something and missing out on an opportunity — even if I was too young, I could’ve learned something about relationships by speaking up. However, this became a pattern for me: liking people and keeping it to myself. As a result, I really didn’t date much in high school or college, and when I did it was someone who pursued me, not the other way around.
Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t really ready for that kind of love, so it makes sense that I wouldn’t have reached out or shared my feelings. However, I did pine away quite often, bemoaning my lack of love!
Now, though, I do want loving relationships, including a loving relationship with myself. So I’m going to practice verbally (though in my head, most of the time) communicating. And a good way to practice this skill is to keep it neutral, so the stakes remain low. Give it a try…
Action Item: Notice your self-talk, and keep it neutral.
Day 11: Hey! Pay Attention to Me!
Yesterday, we focused on the conversations we have with ourselves. Today, we talked about spending TIME with ourselves. The two work well together — but are distinct skills we need to practice in order to turn them into habits of self-love.
In the case of getting to know ourselves on a deeper level, I really encourage going overboard. We’re so used to ignoring ourselves most of the time that over-doing the “spending time with ourselves thing” is a necessary balance. Really think of it as becoming obsessed with Y-O-U.
What do you like? What do you love? What do you hate?
What are your favorite activities? What past times bore you or have no appeal?
What’s your favorite kind of ice cream? Or maybe you prefer a salty snack instead…
Do you sleep with the fan on? a light on? the TV on? your feet under the covers, or out of them?
Again, what we’re doing is noticing ourselves. Along with noticing it verbally, we can make note of it from an investigative standard. Remain curious and non-judgmental. Everything is valid and we’re not trying to “solve” ourselves in any way.
We all want to be noticed, and paid attention to. When I was younger, I didn’t get the kind of attention I craved and I didn’t know how to ask for that attention, so I figured out pretty early on just to give it to myself. This resulted in some cringe-worthy habits like spending a lot of time writing poetry in my closet (and occasionally sleeping outside under a bridge by myself), but — still — I was giving myself the time I needed. I was being attentive to myself.
At that age, and up until very recently, I would also feel guilty about giving myself this time. As compelled as I was to give it, I would often think it as “wasting time.” I’ve learned/am learning that paying attention to myself is not wasting time; it’s critical. If I don’t know myself, how can I be expected to love myself?
By observing yourself, and spending time with yourself, and talking to yourself, you’re building habits that are going to lead you to a deeper loving relationship with yourself. Bonus: you may also be re-parenting that child who wanted someone to pay attention to them.
Action Item: Make a “Top 10 Things I Love About Myself” List
Day 12: A Self-Love Detour down Beauty Lane
Anne Frank, a person who spent a lot of time with herself, once wrote, “Get to know the beauty in yourself.” Who wants to hang around with a self they feel is ugly, anyway?
The challenge with seeing the beauty in ourselves is that modern society (read: the Patriarchy) has conditioned us to think only certain things are beautiful: symmetry, for one; and, “unblemished” skin. Patriarchy, which is the system we’ve all been raised under thus far, is a capitalist system, so the system needs you to think you need to be “fixed” so that you will buy things.
This actually isn’t the case. The growing movement of body positivity and body acceptance is pioneering the way down a road of much greater width and depth. Everyone is beautiful, in their own way.
Quiet is beautiful; loud is beautiful.
Thin is beautiful; thick is beautiful.
Blonde is beautiful; jet black is beautiful.
And everything in between these {false} dichotomies is also beautiful.
Why, though, do we need to move beyond the system’s view of beautiful? Because how many things/people do you LOVE that you think are ugly?? Not too many, I’m willing to bet.
Society tells us broken things are ugly, or mass-produced things are ugly, or things no longer trendy are ugly. When I began collecting broken clocks, I think I was, in part, talking back to those limited definitions of “beauty” in things. The clocks I have collected over the past several years run the gamut from not working, broken, missing pieces, cracked faces, childish, souvenir-ish, blemished, and dusty. All of these adjectives would be synonymous with ugly — except that I find them quite attractive. I like looking at them. I like grouping them together. I like showing them off to others. I like rescuing them and reclaiming them.
The same goes for parts of my body that aren’t traditionally “beautiful.” For instance, I have no butt whatsoever. (It actually hurts to sit on chairs without cushioning!) I have a large nose with large nostrils (thus, the nasal voice). I have freckles on every single part of my body. I have wrinkles on my face and bags under my eyes. And I usually have dirt under my fingernails. That’s the way I look. That’s who I am. Those are my “flaws.” I can either:
— accept that these features are a part of my unique + wonderful beauty, and therefore appreciate them as part of journey to a robust self-loving relationship, or
— bemoan the way I look, constantly criticize myself and/or try to change my body, and sabotage my self-loving relationship.
I choose the former, thank you very much. And, in fact, I don’t see any of these things as flaws, any more then I see an aged patina on an outdated clock as a flaw. I see them as part of me, plain and simple. Instead of spending my time trying to be something I’m not, I just accept that this is who I am. I’m not “ugly” or “pretty,” I’m Lee Lee. And I love myself as-is.
Action Item: Take a selfie or draw a picture of yourself and hang it up!
Day 13: Love the Self You’ve Become
My all-time favorite love song is called, “The Story,” and it’s by Brandi Carlisle. In it, she speaks to her ultimate lover, saying, “all of the lines across my face / tell you the story of who I am / so many stories of where I’ve been and how I got to where I am / and these stories don’t mean anything if you’ve got no one to tell them to / it’s true / I belong to you.”
I interpret this song to be saying that the intended audience, her lover presumably, is the person most equipped to love her because that person knows all of her stories — those stories make up who she is, so knowing them means loving her.
And I believe this to be true myself, which is likely why the song resonates so much and also happens to be why my husband and I performed it together at our recent 10-year vow renewal ceremony.
And yet…let me tell you a little secret: my husband doesn’t know ALL the stories. He hasn’t heard about everything I’ve been through, nor everything I’ve done. There’s only one person in the entire world who knows my entire history, and that’s ME.
It stands to reason, then, that I am the person most equipped to love myself.
I know the story of Lee Lee, start to finish, and, though it’s taken me some time, for sure, I do love my story because A) it’s the only one I’ve got and B) not loving it would be a miserable experience.
In fact, I spent many, many years not loving who I was. As long as I hadn’t reconciled and reckoned with all of my stories, I couldn’t fully love myself. And that’s just no fun.
The challenge I still face is “loving” the parts of my story that I had or have no control over. For example, the times my body didn’t go into labor on its own (both of my pregnancies/births) is a hard story for me to love. The fact that my brain chemistry is such that I’m clinically depressed without medication — I don’t love that part of me so much. And I never will, to be honest.
However, I can hate these “facts” and still love myself and the womxn who lived through/is living with these challenges. I can love the story of giving birth despite my body resisting or not being ready. I can love my quirkiness and love myself during times of sadness, recognizing that I take medication to be safe and to be a present human being. I can love the choices I have made/am making as a result of these circumstances. And I can love myself through the processes that are difficult.
This is easier for me when I realize the connections between those facts and the parts of my identity or story I do love. I love being a mom and having been so certain that motherhood was something I wanted to experience. I love being able to empathize when anyone close to me is going through sadness or depression. I love the part of me that fiercely protects my sanity. And I love the part of me that produced two healthy children.
All of me is worthy of love. All of my story is worthy of love. And all of YOU is worthy of love, too.
Another quote I love, by Kaci Diane, says, “I love the person I’ve become because I fought hard to become her.” Do you love the person you’ve become? or are you still fighting? Build the habit of reckoning with any parts of your story that are uncomfortable, and you be better able to love your whole self.
Action Item: Write a 6–word memoir of your life thus far.
Day 14: Self-Love is the Love You’ve Been Looking For
This week has been very much grounded in reality — adopting habits that lead to making our self-love practice easier on a day-to-day basis. This includes talking to ourselves, appreciating our stories, nothing the things we love, paying ourselves more attention, and recognizing our own beauty. I’m not saying any of these habits are easy (!) just that they lead to more ease in self-love.
Today, though, I asked you to spend some time dreaming. Take a minute to break from the reality of it all and really conjure up your ideal self-loving relationship? What does it look like, smell like, sound like, feel like? If you were a person moving through the world who loved themselves utterly and unconditionally, how would your life be different?
Before meeting my partner, I often dreamed of the “ideal” relationship. As a young girl, I mostly dreamed of how many children I would have and what I would name them! As I got older, I dreamed of someone who could accept me for who I was, someone who understood me and loved me as-is. In my 20s and 30s, I looked for someone who could “complete” me — someone who could bring to the relationship all the things I could not (ahem — cooking, for one).
I remember quite viscerally the feelings of longing in all those different iterations of dreaming. Of course, I wasn’t dreaming of marriage or partnership, or even of deep friendships, because those relationships require compromise of one sort or another. What I was truly longing for was Pure Love. And this kind of love is something only I can give to myself.
Everybody’s vision of pure love is going to be different. There will be things you can live without that my bottom line, and vice versa. But we know in our heart of hearts, way down inside where our child self still resides, what this pure love looks like.
This is the love I want you to dream of when you dream of the ideal Self-Love relationship. Whatever it is — that’s what we’re working towards on this 365-day journey. I want you to see and experience that self-love can be just as beautiful, just as romantic, just as special and surprising and playful, just as “can’t live without it” as that original vision of pure love.
Imagine if we’d been taught all our lives to love ourselves first & foremost, and to love ourselves every day, no matter what. Rather than dreaming of someone to complete us or rescue us (or someone we could complete and/or rescue), we’d dream of loving ourselves. We’d long for self-love in the same way we currently long for external partnership.
Imagine falling asleep dreaming of falling deeper and deeper in love with yourself. Imagine waking up and fighting to have that kind of self-love relationship. Now stop imagining, and go out and get it!
Action Item: Dream of loving yourself to the fullest! Sketch it out, draw it, paint it, write a song about it. Pick your creative medium, and play!!
