What It Feels Like to Start from Scratch
My chalk-dusted callouses nudge me as I climb. “Hey,” one says, “Remember me? I met you when you first started climbing. Where’ve you been?”
I reply with a grunt and a hard exhale as I lose my grip and fall onto the soft mat below. Five tries and I still can’t get it – the third hold on a VB bouldering route. For the non-climbers out there, a VB is the place where either a star is born or a stubborn muscle is pulled. What does VB stand for? In my experience, Very Beginner.
I have climbed before, don’t get me wrong. My first time in the climbing gym was two years ago when my boyfriend at that time (husband at this time) helped me overcome my fear of heights. I took to climbing quite naturally then. I was strong and flexible from my steady yoga practice and I had confidence in both my mental fortitude and burgeoning relationship.
Within a few months, I progressed in my climbing skills, eventually getting my belay certification and choosing climbing over other activities. This stage didn’t last for long, though, because I fell pregnant and had a brutal case of morning sickness, sciatica, and carpal tunnel for 9 consecutive months. Pregnancy, for me, was not an enjoyable time. I was very sick, depressed, isolated, and scared for the future. Looking back, I probably could have pushed through some of my physical limitations if only my mind and heart had the strength to carry the load.
Flash-forward to now: I still haven’t gotten back into my groove. I’ve been a mother for a year yet sometimes it feels like I have no idea what I’m doing. Everything is being seen with new eyes. I’ll probably feel this way for the next twenty years of my life. Still, I’ve slowly been getting back to the things I used to do before life changed. And by “getting back,” I mean starting completely from scratch.
My muscles work just fine; I’ve still got a semblance of core strength and balance that I was most likely born with, but I’m doing fine. What I seem to be lacking is the mental strength I possessed before. It’s like my confidence and determination are in hibernation. The only thing that’s still wide awake is that voice in my head that keeps telling me I’m not worthy. I swear that voice could run a tiny country with the way it dictates how I think and feel.
“Hey short arms. You’ll never reach that hold,” says one thought.
“Take a look at all of these awesome climbers – better yet, take a picture,” says another.
And from the darkest corner of my mind, wearing a shroud darker than the veil of doubt, I hear these painful words:
“You’re not good enough.”
In that moment, I realize that none of this has to do with climbing. VB or V15, we’re all trying to get over the same obstacles. Finger strength alone can’t crush the vermin within us that delights in the ruin. What I am working on every day is not only my physical strength or confidence, but the mental toughness that wakes up every morning, reaches deep inside my psyche, pulls out that little naysayer and says sternly and surely, “Shut up.”
Wherever we are on the journey, we have the chance to begin again. Every day when we wake up, we can start afresh. What happens today doesn’t dictate the rest of our lives. And even now as I write this I know that this time tomorrow will be different than right now. Tonight I sleep with clarity and understanding. Tomorrow I start from scratch again.
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