A Sluttier, Better Me:
How being more promiscuous, vulnerable, and sexually intimate made me a better person and MAYBE it can do the same for you.
I grew up in a DEEPLY religious household, and there was no sex education aside from “wait until marriage”. Brilliant. I remember my mom trying to sit myself and my brother down at 18 for “the talk” and my brother instantly shutting her down with a “mom it’s way too late for that shit”.
Frankly, the taboo nature of sex in my childhood only heightened my interest in it. Surprise, surprise. Thus when I learned that I was Queer, I began a journey of self discovery and lesson making which changed my life.
Learning about myself and other people
Firstly, being promiscuous taught me about who I was sexually. I learned so much about what I loved and hated.
I discovered that I was kinkier than I’d expected! A pleasant surprise. I learned that it was possible to have wonderful sexual chemistry with a person I disliked in every other way.
I decided early on that I wouldn’t trust anything my hookups told me about themselves. Mostly for my own safety. I ensured that I was always protected, and by extension they were too.
In doing this, I also learned about the person I was fucking with. Tell a man he has to wear a condom and you will learn all kinds of things about him. Which brings me to my next point.
Trust and learning about other people
This lesson took a little longer, but as time went on I learned to defend the boundaries that I set up. If one of my partners pushed the boundaries that I set up, I ditched him. On one such occasion, I’d asked my partner to wear a condom, and he opted for “just the tip”. Good god. I broke it up the same day.
To be clear: I’d like to frame the above more as mental and emotional pushups. Brain exercise. Deliberately removing friends or lovers from one’s life requires emotional stamina. Hooking up with people helped me to grow. Casual sex promoted my understanding and enforcement of boundaries. In learning to “dump” sexually harmful people, I learned to do the same platonically.
Also: meeting new people makes meeting new people easier. In any context.
Monogamy and Safety
For centuries, open and monogamous relationships have existed for a myriad of reasons. I’d just like to say that I realize that prior to safe sex, there was good reason to push for the big M. Sexually Transmitted Infections have killed many. I’ll write the article on monogamy later.
Delightfully, modern sex is much safer.
Of course, if you, dear reader, are in midst of a pandemic please exercise appropriate caution.
THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON
I feel like a lot of the pushback I get to this idea is that hooking up is for the objectively gorgeous. Fuck. That. Shit.
We may feasibly argue that there are socially acceptable people as well as western beauty ideals. However, when looking at the spectrum of human sexuality, we see the truth outside of the construct. My ten is your five. Your five is my 8.
There are no gorgeous people. I used to think there were! Androgynous women like Eli Erlick, Zendaya and Ruby Rose! Men like Cykeem white, Chella man, Idris Elba or Troye Sivan.
These are objectively gorgeous people, right?
But as I slept with more people, (many of them just as flawed and flabby as I ❤) I got to have this amazing after sex experience! Talking sometimes for hours about life, sex, money and family.
Not the inane banter of a first date, but real, raw conversations. And as I talked about my objectively gorgeous people (hereafter referred to as OGPs) I saw something that fascinated me!
My hookups thought my OGPs were gross. Or just okay. HOW COULD THIS BE?
I’ve also seen this in my two and a half year open relationship! My man likes daddies. A lot. Honestly: rarely can I see the appeal, but there it is! This trend continues into fetishes and porn. Got a small dick? There’s a person who will go wild for that. Are you deliciously fat? Good. Somebody badly wants to grab your love handles and fuck you, suck on your clit or climb into your wheelchair.
Now, here’s the really important caveat: when I say this, I’m asking you to understand the diversity of human sexuality and love YOU the way that you are. Not fetishize someone else. There’s a fine line here, but it is VERY distinct.
All of us contain multitudes and I can’t stress enough that if you fail to blend attraction with a deep recognition of your lover’s humanity you will not be their lover for long.
I guess what I’m saying is that yes, you may have to work for it, and it may be a long and hard (I’m sorry) journey. However, doesn’t working for something make it better? Doesn’t finding your perfect person make it that much more rewarding?
So go forth and learn of your loveliness. There will be bumps and bruises, but in a world almost 8 BILLION strong remember that you WILL find your person or people.
You will be found.
You will be loved.
That’s all folks,
BRB
