Are Terms Like ‘Cougar’ and ‘MILF’ Sexy or Offensive?
Something to think about before bandying them around
I personally hate the word “slut” because it implies that any woman who enjoys sex is dirty and immoral, and I don’t really believe it can be reclaimed from that patriarchal connotation. On the other hand, I totally support women who want to use that word to refer to themselves and who have given other people in their lives the greenlight to use that term in reference to them if they so choose.
The same goes for “cougar” and “MILF.” If you are a middle-aged or an older woman and you want to use those words in reference to yourself, I certainly support that, but just as with the term “slut,” I don’t really believe it’s alright for other people to use those words unless the woman herself has okayed it. It’s because those terms also come fraught with societal baggage about what is acceptable for women in a sexual context, and I don’t like to see that being reinforced in a broader sense. Women have spent too much time being told who and how they are supposed to be around their sexuality, and I think it’s high time that it stopped. Choose it for yourself, by all means, empowered woman! Everyone else, mind your manners.
According to one article I looked at, a woman can become a cougar any time after the age of 35 if she is dating a man who is 8 years or more younger than she is. So, in other words, in this culture, a woman is “too old” and is predatory for liking younger men by the ripe old age of 35! Meanwhile, men in their 50s and 60s who date women in their 20s and 30s are just known as men. In fact, this is a dynamic that is often depicted in movies as normal.
I’m always interested in the origins of words. Here’s what I found about the term cougar. “In the 1980s, the Canadian ice hockey team the Vancouver Canucks used the term to refer to the older, single women who attended their hockey games to pursue players sexually.” Since then, it’s become not only a subgenre of porn but also an element of many dating sites, including ones dedicated exclusively to women who fit this demographic.
There are alpha cougars, women who are intelligent, sophisticated, and on the prowl for sexual empowerment, and beta cougars who are purportedly just looking for someone to make them feel better about themselves. Although some people find this type of generalizing offensive and demeaning, for some the term cougar suggests still being able to have the power to attract younger men. This in itself may be problematic to some however since it implies defying the natural aging process to still be able to compete with much younger women, implying that normal middle-aged women are no longer sexually attractive.
She does so, she says, because she wants a partner who both appreciates and can satisfy a sexually assertive and financially independent woman.
That stereotype also suggests that cougars are commonly looking for fun, temporary sexual liaisons. At the same time, they are perceived as women who strive to correspond to strict, ageist conceptions of female beauty, i.e. maintaining a youthful appearance and slimness well into middle age.
As I said above, if labeling yourself as a cougar feels good to you, please be my guest. For everyone else, I recommend using this term with caution and making sure that the woman you are attaching it to takes it as a compliment. I’m 57 years old and have often had lovers who are much younger than I am. I don’t really want to be stuck into a box about that, however. Please don’t ever call me a cougar. I don’t have any agenda around younger men; it’s just kind of worked out that way sometimes. I’m just me. I don’t have the body of a 25-year-old and that’s fine with me. I’m also not predatory. I don’t want to be labeled that way.
Does that mean I’m at least a MILF (a mother that I’d love to fuck)? Again, I don’t care for that term since it implies that it’s an anomaly to be a mother who is sexually attractive. Yes, I’m a mother. Yes, I’m an older woman who is still interested in sex with a variety of people (and a lot of people are still interested in sex with me). Americans, in particular, have a real issue with mothers and sexuality. You’re either a sex object or a mother. Meanwhile, there is no reason that any woman, even a mother, shouldn’t be able to express her natural sexual self in the ways that work for her and for that just to be one aspect of who she is as a person.
Anything else is in large part because, in a patriarchal society, female sexuality is seen to be for the pleasure and enjoyment of men, not for the women themselves. Be sexy, but not sexual, is a common cultural narrative. MILF continues to label women as to whether or not they are sexually desirable to men, which is not the true metric of any woman’s worth.
This comedy clip about a woman’s last “fuckable day” starring Amy Schumer, Julia Louis Dreyfus, Tina Fey, and Patricia Arquette pokes delicious fun at this notion. It’s less than 5 minutes long. You should definitely check it out.
“You know how Sally Fields was Tom Hank’s love interest in Punchline and then like 20 minutes later she was his mom in Forrest Gump?”
“If you shoot a sex scene right before your birthday, they’re like ‘hurry it up, hurry up’ because they’re afraid your vagina is going to turn into a hermit crab.”
Again, MILF is a porn subgenre, so that in itself just might indicate that it’s not necessarily a respectful way to refer to an attractive woman who just happens to be a mother. Women are more complex than just how they fit into male fantasies. If as a woman you want to be a cougar or a MILF, have at it. You’ve earned the right to refer to yourself in any way that you please, but just as it’s only really appropriate for Black people to call themselves and their friends the N-word, it’s up to a woman to decide if she finds those terms empowering or disrespectful.
I don’t want to be someone’s fetish or to be treated as part of a category. I want to be seen and interfaced with as an individual. If I’m not your jam for whatever reason, no problem, but I also don’t owe you anything as a younger man (or an older one). I don’t need to be grateful for your interest or consider myself lucky that you’d like, for instance, to have me watch you masturbate when I don’t even know you (ew — no thanks!)
You will always do better when you treat someone as a person, and not a thing. Personally, I don’t want to be referred to as a cougar or a MILF. If as a woman, you embrace those terms, then I support you in that. For the rest of you, use those words judiciously only when you know the woman in question finds them empowering.
© Copyright Elle Beau 2021
Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love.
