How To Tell, Chapter VII: Claire confides in Lilly

A story about opening up a relationship. Reality meeting fiction.

Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash

Claire’s cousin Lily had come to stay with them for a week with the kids. Alex had already made lots of plans for Lily’s kids whom he liked a lot. She was looking forward to another set of open conversations with her cousin. The first opportunity appeared on the day after Lily and family arrived. They went out shopping while Alex was taking the kids to the local Zoo. Lily’s sixth sense had been picking signals from Claire and as soon as they got in the car Lily asked:

- So Claire, tell me what is wrong with you, you seem too distanced and lost in your thoughts. What is bothering you?-

Claire knew she could not lie to Lily. She knew her way too well. She answered:

- I am having an affair with this guy I know from work, and I am playing with the idea of calling it off.-

Lily looked at her puzzled. Her big brown eyes were exploring all her expressions as she was driving into the parking of the shopping center.

- Forget shopping, lets go for a coffee. And I want to hear the full story from you.

They went to Claire’s favorite coffee place and got two large Cappuccinos. Claire told Lily how she had started seeing Dan a few years ago. How their relationship was forbidden for both of them, and how they had somehow managed to keep it secret all that time. She also told Lily how she had lived the most intense and exciting moments with him. Something she had never experienced before in her life. Lily sat listening to her. Claire was pouring her heart away and realized she needed someone whom to share all that she was going through. Explaining her feelings to Lily was helping her to put order into her thoughts. After a while Lily told her:

- Claire, first of all I am really happy for you that you could experience all you did with Dan. Not everybody is so lucky. However it seems to me that you were actually fleeing from reality.

- What do you mean by fleeing from reality- Claire asked

- I think that one of the reasons you jumped into that relationship is that it allowed you to flee from your daily life. Instead of trying to confront the issues that you are having in your marriage, you could put them by side.

Claire let those words sink in. It was true that life with Alex and the kids was no happy sailing. They had often conflicting attitudes about to how to bring up the kids. Alex had had a strict mom and was on the authoritarian side of education. She preferred to let the kids be. It was something they both had learned when they were little. Claire’s mother had been quite hands-off, usually too busy with herself. These differences had been slowly creeping up turning themselves into grievances. They were indeed a roadblock in their relationship. Claire did not even remember when was the last time she had made love with Alex. Lily told her:

- While I do believe you are trying to do the right thing, something is telling me that you are not happy about it. What is it?

The perspicacity of her cousin caught Claire off guard. It was definitely true that while she was not happy with her current situation, ending it was not the way to fix it. She felt trapped in a cage of her own making. For one she had a relationship that had provided her with one of the most sensual experiences in her life. However, her current marriage was stuck in a rut. Sex with Alex was almost non-existent, and when it happened it was a quick number, more an act of obligation than of love. She told Lily:

- I feel I am stuck in a rut with Alex. Our life as a couple is almost non existing.

- Well girl, it is up to you to spice things up! This is something that many couples go through. Have you spoken with him?

- No, it has been a long while since I’ve had a deep conversation with Alex. He was always busy at work, and the last weeks he has been traveling a lot.

- The way I see it- Lily said- the sooner the better. It will take effort but I believe he will be receptive. You do make a great couple. And bear in mind that there are many ways to sort these kind of things out.

Claire went on to tell Lily how their sex life had gone cold with the years. Her marriage was good, but it also was too predictable. There was no excitement in her daily life anymore. She had been married to Alex for many years now and knew him sometimes better than he knew himself. Their life as a couple turned into a routine. While their sex life had been exciting in the first years when they were together, it had become too predictable. When the kids arrived, the lack of energy and sleep had made it difficult for them to have quality time with each other.

Especially after her operation many things had come together. Their daughter had started sleeping with them every night. This made the logistics of getting together complicated. He had then gotten a promotion where he had to travel much more. She had started kidding him that they were just doing it to try to get a third baby. Despite the fact that she knew that after that operation she could not have any more kids.

Claire believed that Dan was providing her with that missing excitement. She felt that she could not really do without this new energy. But on the other end, she did appreciate what she had together with Alex. They lived a nice life, had a good income and could afford nice things. And being with Alex was easy and comfortable. Yes, sometimes there would be disagreements, especially about how to raise the kids. But most of the time they would come to a solution that was acceptable for everyone.

Lily started telling Clare an old roman story. There was a philosopher in Rome who also happened to be one of the richest men in the empire. His wealth was based on a commercial enterprise that his family had created and he had expanded. He was himself engaged in business to the point that sometimes he would travel with his ships. Of course in routes where the final contacts were already known and established this would have been expected. What was special about this old roman philosopher and merchant is that he also went on discovery missions. Discovery missions back then were risky and could end in ships and crew not making it back to the sailing port.

There was a psychological basis explaining his behavior. He just needed the excitement of new adventures. Just staying in the capital of the empire attending business was too boring for him. And simply going to visit remote business partners was while adventurous, on the safe side. Lily believed that having a safe position actually incited humans to take risks. She thought this was the reason why folks in steady couples would risk a lot for getting the extra kick of seeing somebody else.

Lily was an economist and she mentioned to Claire a book she had read about the fragility of organisms and organizations. According to this concept, there are organisms that actually benefit from unpredictability. And these systems are widely available in nature. These organisms are called antifragile. On the opposite end were the fragile systems, which were the ones that would be disrupted by an extreme external event. For example, a glass breaking out after falling. The antifragile systems would actually benefit from extreme events. Just as our health gets stronger if exposed to illness. These systems would react to initial disruptions by reorganizing, learning and becoming fit again.

Lily believed that this antifragility concept could be extrapolated to relationships. There were the fragile relationships. They could be completely destroyed if one of the partners were to have an affair and the affair would come out. This is what had happened to Lily in her relationship. An antifragile relationship would on the other end not only tolerate one partner having an external affair, but it would also benefit and flourish because of all the new energy found on that relationship. Since the affair did not need to be kept secret, the other partner would know and be recipient of the power of new love. This antifragile relationship will grow stronger. The love that one of the partners feels towards somebody else would add new energy to the relationship.

Lily told Claire that the safety of her relationship with Alex was necessary to experience what she was living with Dan. Claire’s marriage could be turned from a fragile into an antifragile organism. It could benefit and get stronger by being exposed to new relationships. But this had to be done in a way that the system would not turn into a fragile system and break just as Lily’s marriage had broken. For Claire, the load of keeping things in secret was starting to be too much. The energy of her relationship with Dan was not flowing back to her relationship with Alex. She knew that what she was living with Dan would never be something more serious. Dan had also a life of his own. Yet she knew she was risking a breakup if this affair were to fly open in unfavorable circumstances.

- Why do we make promises that we can not keep- Asked Claire

- Because when we were young and made them we did not know what is in store for us- Answered Lily

- See, when we get married we are usually still under the effects of infatuation. We usually see our partners as the best fit for us. Our other halves. And on top of that society makes us believe that this feeling can be kept forever.

- What I believe happens is that when we get married we were very much in love. And after a few years we actually love each other very much. This syntactic difference is not to be taken lightly.

- Do you love Alex?

- I love him in a quiet and steady way. I know that he will be there if anything bad would happen to me. I also know how to approach any differences that we might have, and how to convince him to do things when he is on the fence.

- And he also knows how to deal with you and your not very easy family right?

- Right

- I really think that you need to consider opening your relationship with him.

- What do you mean?

- I mean open in like when you can see other people but remain together.

- I have also thought that that would be a good solution, it would be like living two different lives.

Claire sometimes daydreamed about having two lives. In her main life she would remain committed to Alex and children and conventional relations, while in her second life she would try out and do crazy things. Claire thought that all of us have a part that strives for freedom and independence, but being completely independent also leaves us feeling lonely. So as a result we end up struggling to find a balance between these two states somehow. The only question she had now was if it was at all possible to achieve this without hurting everybody involved.

Lily wondered why do we make our relationships so complicated when there is so much love to go around. She had learned this when her second kid was born several years ago. At first, she wondered how could she love this child when she already loved her first one so much. And then she realized that love is not additive but multiplies itself. It is our social norms that corsage us to thinking we need to own our lovers when love itself wants to be free. Life would be way more intensive and we would all have a better way to relate to our fellow human beings.

- Did you know that according to wikipedia some 4% of married couples are swingers? — said Lily

- Really?

-This means that if you know 25 couples one of them has agreed on having sexual partners outside of their marriage.

- Would you know which one?

- And that is only the part of people who have agreed and are open to this. What you are living through is more common than what you think.

- When you think about it this need of venting out our emotions and energies is not limited to our sexual lives.

- What do you mean?

- Think about the carnivals. I know several folks that would go to the carnival every year. A few of my fellow co workers were carnival crazy. They would take off a week around this time. During the rest of the year you would not think they were the kind of people that would need to let the steam out.

Lily believed that same as in carnival, we needed to find a way to let the steam out in our private lives. Using the two lives analogy the steady relationship would be the normal life. While the secondary relationship will be the “wild and free” part. And Lily had the benefit of hindsight after seeing what had happened to her relationship. She told Claire that the hardest part was to find out the set of rules that will protect both partners. Lily had read a book about open relationships and knew that there are many possibilities. She remembered a story that they had in that book to describe this:

A guy gets home and finds his wife with another man in bed. What happens?

- If he is into polyamory he will say: “Oh, sorry to disturb. Keep going. You make such a beautiful couple. I will go downstairs and prepare some sandwiches for dinner, and afterward, you need to tell me how you found each other.”

- If he is of the “don't ask, don't tell” kind he will frown and say: “Baby, we agreed that not at home, remember? Why don't you go to the new hotel downtown? Rooms are nice and the service is good”

- If he is of the “partner sharing” kind he will say: “Don't let me interrupt you, would you mind if I sit here and watch? I can get some Pizza ordered for afterward”

- If he is a swinger he will say: “You guys have something really good going on here, do you mind if I join you?”

- If he is a normal guy he will run to get the kitchen knife, try to stab the guy, insult his wife and send the divorce papers from jail.

Claire asked Lily to lend her that book so that she could understand her options better. Surprisingly for Claire, Lily opened her bag and gave her the book. Lily told Claire that she should read that book and then give it to Alex to read. She needed to progress slowly. They would have to have several conversations to fine-tune the communication. She remembered too well how her ex-husband had tried to find a solution during a single dinner and how it had just backfired. In the beginning Claire could tell Alex that she wanted him to read that book in detail. The reason being that she was interested in strengthening their relationship by opening it up.

While this would let the cat out of the sack, it would be important to understand his reaction. Since it was just proposing to read a book Claire could backpedal if he started to get emotional. On the other hand, it could also end up being a cool response, more on the curious side. Claire needed to be willing to try anything from a “don't ask don't tell” relationship to a “polyamory” one. Going through partner swap, swinger or “just watch live”.

- But what will I do if Alex asks: “have you been cheating on me?”- Asked Claire

- You could definitely ask him where does he draw the line at cheating. It could go from just looking at another partner and have mental fantasies about them. Or all the way to how Bill Clinton who stopped short of intercourse.

- But let me tell you one thing. When my ex husband brought up the initial discussion that ended up breaking up our relationship I asked him if he had ever cheated on me. Naturally his response was to ask me back what I consider cheating and where I draw the line. For me fantasizing about another woman was the first step for cheating.

- When he admitted to me that he had been in platonic love with several of his female co workers in the past I was devastated. I knew and had met most of these women but as he had many women coworkers and he kept telling me about them I had never been suspicious. These relationships were not physical at all, they mostly existed in his imagination. But I still felt very bad and hurt. And at the same time also felt that I could not provide him with something essential if he ended up like that several times.

- So the only advice that I have for you is to duck the question by ignoring it completely and changing the subject. But I sure hope that you will not have to.

Claire started skimming the pages of the book, while Lily sat by her. Both were lost in their thoughts. Claire knew that Lily was right, that it was time for her to face things up. She just could not keep the current status quo in her relationship. Claire felt that it was the right step to take and also that the time was right for it.

Tellingly the radio was playing a song from U2.

All the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night

You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

Coming soon: Chapter VIII, Alex Online

Chapter 8: Alex online