How To Tell, Chapter VIII: Alex Online
A story about opening up a relationship. Reality meeting fiction.
Alex had created an account on an online dating site. It was not easy for him to find his way around. He did not know how to start a conversation with a complete stranger online and his messages went often unanswered. He was quite surprised the day he received a message from someone whom he had not contacted himself. The exchange started like this:
Wednesday — 16:27
To the unknown stranger:
The meaning of life is to create, protect and nurture the next generation. If you give yourself to this you will find happiness and true love in return. While scanning all these profiles I couldn’t help noticing yours. I am married too and life is not as exciting as it use to be. My heart yearns for a passionate relationship too. But passions always die. True love takes work and commitment. It is never an easy road….but just to let you know, your meaning in life is sitting right there on the sofa next to you!
Wednesday — 18:14
Well, hi stranger and thanks for your nice and well thought message.
I want to give you an insight on what it is that I am doing here. A few years ago my dad died a painful death of cancer. That threw me into kind of a mid life crisis. It is hard to see someone who was full of life be reduced to nothing within one year. And now I was wondering if this is it. I feel I am stuck in a rut with my personal life. I read a lot, especially about the brain and psychology. At that moment I was reading a book which made me look into this online sites.
I have 2 kids who are the most precious thing in my life, and I definitely want to walk the part of life we call youth with them. I have been married for 14 years now, and things are cold, very cold here. I don’t mind sharing commons and sleeping in separate rooms, and I don’t want to abandon my kids. But life is too short and I don’t want to be in my dying bed saying I wish I had…
Call me naive, maybe what I’m looking for does not exist. But the one who does not search will not find.
The more I read about it and the more I see how life evolves, the more I believe that the current institution of marriage as we know it is broken. We are not made for monogamy. This “until death do us part” comes from an era when the average life expectancy was on the 40’s, not now when we can live much longer. My dad’s passing away at a relatively young age did shake my view of life, and showed me how short and fragile it can be. I don’t want to be on my deathbed wishing I had lived a different life.
But that again, is just my take on the issue.
All the best
Alex
Thursday — 13:21
Hi Alex,
Lets assume you find somebody in this site. And lets hope you manage to live through intense moments. I bet you these intense moments will last three years because that is long as it ever lasts. It would be intense because no apple is sweeter than the one that is just out of reach. If you had to eat apples everyday you would soon want to try pears.
Why don’t you study some statistics like these here to get some more realistic ideas about sex:
Married couples make love 98 times per year.
Single folks are having sex the least at 49 times a year.
You are probably less than this because you are trying to live the single life while being married. No wonder you are frustrated.
Enough about sex and back to the meaning of life.
It is very simple. All the stress in life is mostly self created because we are trying to reach unrealistic goals. Slow down. Take a breath and be happy that you are able to do so. Human beings think they are so superior to other life forms…they are not. They are just more complicated. Success is the ability to keep that circle of life going strong. What have you created in your life that has more value than your children? The reason that you suffered so much from the loss of your father is because part of YOU died with him. But that is ok, because part of him carries on through you and through your children.
All the best,
Your Guardian Angel
Thursday- 19:15
Hi Guardian Angel
This exchange is getting interesting. Your statistics reminded me of an old story:
One guy goes to the pharmacy with his young boy. While they walk over the aisle with the condoms the kid grabs a 3 pack and asks his father:
- Dad what is this?
- Son this is for high school kids. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday
They keep on walking and the son finds a six pack
-Dad what is this?
- Son, this is for college students. Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday
A step later the son gets a twelve pack and asks:
- And this?
- Son, that is for married couples. One for January, One for February…
I did not know the statistics but they seem about right :-) Where did you get them? I’ll answer in more detail later on.
Cheers, The lost sheep
Thursday- 22:00
Hi Little lost sheep,
OK now I am going to make you laugh. You see I am very visual, so I imagined the boy actually going somewhere as he walked. I was reading this joke aloud to my friend and when the kid came to the six pack I thought it was beer. Of course, that’s all I drank in college. And then I asked my friend “12 pack of what??” and she said “Durex you idiot!” And I said what is Durex??
So now you know my nationality AND my hair color AND that I am impossible with jokes. After a long pause I laughed, however it is not true!!! Married people have more sex that singles. Just google Marital Sex statistics and see. What I find most amazing is the over 65s who are still at it! Now for singles I imagine your life really slows down at that age. If you think it is difficult getting a good catch now, just wait till you are that age. When you chose your wife you had 1000’s of women to choose from and you chose her. Now you are a scavenger picking through all the leftovers. You think your wife has problems, just wait till you live with one of these a few years. And what young pretty intelligent woman is going to want to have sex with a married man? This is crazy. My suggestion is that you work on the one you’ve already got.
(… your wife, writing this tonight in my little lonely room. Why don’t you come over and say something nice to me for a change!)
…on second thought. maybe you shouldn’t do that. If she finds out you have been writing to women online that will get you a smack sure enough-
Thursday- 23:16
Good evening Guardian Angel
First of all let me thank you for still writing to this little lost sheep. Since you are really trying to save my butt from perdition let me rewind a bit and let you know where my sexual life went south. My wife has lots of younger friends with babies. This somehow has turned her inner clock into high gear and she has been wanting another baby for a while now.
Let me tell you that if you as a man don’t want to have more babies, that’s the most putting off thing to do. It brought some big distance between us.
Now I’m realizing I am using you as my personal shrink, sorry about that. Thing is I had never mention this to anyone.
Your lost sheep who is now sitting at the fence counting its locks.
Friday — 20:14
Ok Alex,
I am just having fun. I like being your shrink. I like hearing the male side of things even if it irritates me. For example. It breaks my heart to hear that your wife wanted more kids and you didn’t. I have raised my kids basically by myself and have loved every minute of it. We have very traditional roles. He works, I do all the rest. I like it that way because there is no negotiating who does what. He has never changed a diaper, never read a story, never walked a baby, never woken up in the night when they cried. All he did was provide the money and the sperm. But I don’t have any regrets on that part. I would give it all and more to each one of them. I think the reason you don’t want more kids is because you don’t like waiting in line for her attention.
So what you want now is a new fresh one. Hate to tell you. The fresher they are the more they will try to talk you into babies. That what normal women want. That is normal.
See you later. Your unofficial shrink.
Friday- 23:43
Evening Shrink
Having fun is definitely part of the meaning of life. After reading your message I think we are playing shrink mutually. Anyway, let me tell you that I have been and am a much more involved dad than your husband. I changed diapers, take care of kids when the mom was out with friends, and am having a blast with the kids now that they are older. I carried both kids when they were little, and take care of them when my wife is out at her events.
Yet I do have to admit that there is part of truth on the attention line, although I had never seen it that way. See writing to you is helping me understand the issue better.
One thing that you have made me think is that one of the reasons for me not wanting more kids is our different approaches to educating the kids. I was brought up quite traditionally. Kids are supposed to eat their food and stay seated until dinner is finished. Also basic manners such as closing their mouths when they chew are part of it. My wife has a complete different “let them do” philosophy, and after several years of trying to be the one to get order in the table I just gave up. It definitely breaks my heart to see the kind of kids that are growing in my home.
So this brings one of the topics you mention. Indeed, if (and this is a remote if) I were to find a new young partner who wants kids, and we would agree on the bring up method in the beginning, I would probably do it. It is sad, but the truth…
But remember that I am not looking for a new one. I am actually looking for someone to spice things up. And you are probably right that it might just last 3 years give or take. I do believe there to be enough women out there who are too busy to get involved with a guy on a day to day basis. But they are also missing the closeness of an occasional partner, with the odd travel, or eating out. Or maybe they already have a partner and are looking like me for some spice in their lives.
But of course that all will depend on how my therapy with you proceeds… Until now you are making me think things twice.
Alex
Saturday — 4:18
If I were out for sex alone I would go for someone half my age not an old man. Those 20 somethings love older women because they don’t have to hang around. Why would I chose an older guy with a beer belly, bad teeth and sexual dysfunction when the young ones could do it better? The thing is women don’t usually want just sex. They want the whole package. Sex alone leaves you feeling used and empty.
Anyway, I am writing this at 4 in the morning because I am so upset about your willing to have kids with a younger girl. If I were her and I watched you start a new family with someone else after my time was up…that would make me crazy…. to be continued
Saturday — 10:28
Hi sleepless guardian angel
Well, I definitely did not meant to upset you so that you would end up awake at 4 AM. But bear in mind that waking up in the middle of the night is not as strange or problematic as our society wants us to believe. It is called biphasic sleep patterns:
Anyway, you are the one doing the questions, and getting me to think. In a way you are right. It seems quite stupid that one of the root reasons of my dysfunctional sexual life is the manners of my kids at the table. My wife probably thinks she won the battle on manners (in this case bad manners aka freedom). But she might have have had a Pyrrhic victory. As my shrink try to get in my shoes:
For years I tried to get the kids to chew with their mouth shut. To stay seated while they were at the table; to pick up the dishes when they finished. I could only do this in the evening, and kept getting looks that killed from my better half. Later came talks with tears in some evenings saying that “I was ruining the family life”. Now I have bitten my lip for years and am going crazy almost every evening.
How my dear shrink would I ever want to have another kid with her? Maybe the crazy one is me, but I strongly believe that manners matter. I am lucky to work with a wide set of people. My job exposes me to both, electricians and folks building houses all the way to people in board meetings.
Sample of a board meeting. Our company owner stands up, gets a jar of water. He serves first all the folks at the table, including the secretary and then serves himself. Sample of a construction site. The electrician goes for lunch to the local pizzeria, scratches his groin when ordering. He eats with his mouth open, while he speaks some pasta comes out, and then tries to hit on the waitress when paying the bill
Who do you want your kids to be? Who do I WANT my kids to be?
You have really reached one of the root causes of all this.
I know women enough to know that they will never go for sex alone. And if they do they are not worth it. As you said women want the whole package. They want to feel warm and cozy with their partner. They can only do that if they are in the right mental state. This means no stressing out, and lots of trust. And what you write about the older guys I can only answer that Henry Kissinger once said: Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
In my experience women don’t care that much on how a guy looks as long as he seems fit and healthy. They care more on his intellect, how caring and thoughtful he is. I have also learned that for woman it will take time, trust and knowledge of their partners for their minds to be liberated.
And last but not least, and without wanting to brag about it, I am not a balding, fat, smelly old man. I am quite fit, got all my hair and am a successful and intellectual guy who cares about people. I am not bottom fishing, and will not just go out with anybody.
Have a great evening
Alex
Saturday — 11:18
Sacred Family Mealtime- I too believe mealtime is important. It is a short time in the day where all are together and forced to communicate without any screens or distractions. This bonding time starts at the breast and continues throughout life. With associations of warmth, nourishment and satisfaction. Turning this time into a battle of sitting up straight and using the right fork is making it unpleasant for everyone. Children learn best from watching their parents behavior. I know for a fact that you were lectured at the table about manners and that is why you lecture your kids. Your wife probably didn’t have those lectures. You both can go to a dinner party without embarrassment I will assume. The first meal I shared with my father in law he corrected my husband of 26 to sit up straight at the table. I was shocked beyond belief. Tell a teenager not to talk with his mouth full and they will stop talking and start a dine and dash behavior. Make mealtime an unpleasant experience and you will get eating disorders. Your wife knows how important it is for both the mother and child to be without stress- I would trust her intuition.
Saturday — 13:25
Dear guardian angel.
Today I am alone with the kids as it is usually the case on Saturdays. Fathers get their kicks from kids differently. I enjoy a lot their innate curiosity. They help me appreciate the world around from different perspectives.
You are right about not being the best thing to be correcting the kids all the time while we are having the family dinner. But that is not the point. The point is, (and here you have made me dig even deeper) that there are some things that are important for my wife that I back up. But when it comes to what is important to me she did not back me up at least on some of them.
For example, our daughter loves to jump in the sofa. I don’t care, I believe kids should be kids. For my wife this was a big deal. So I started stopping the kids from jumping. I couldn’t give a darn about that old sofa but it was important to her. It sounds silly, it is just a clash of values. I will have to think more about it.
And now I’m going to the barber with the kids, and hell yeah, they are getting ice cream despite of what her mother thinks of it.
Sunday — 9:06
I am a laissez faire mom, because I save my bullets for the issues that are important. I wanted a nice sofa too. So I put a bought a huge bedspread to cover the sofa so that they could do as they please and I could throw it in the wash when necessary. I also could take it away when we had guests. When you deal with kids on a daily basis it is easiest just to say NO sweets than to say OK today no tomorrow maybe on Wednesday. This means you have to listen to there nagging everyday about this. Now if daddy or grandma brings the kids ice cream on Saturday this is a special treat not a daily problem. Parties are also a yes time. So they know the rules. No with mom, yes with dad and yes at parties. That works.
Now for the real stuff. You say, the main reason you don’t get along with your wife is because of you can’t agree on how to raise your kids. You both feel so strongly that they grow up correctly that you are arguing about the way this should be done. And this is causing serious relationship problems. These problems will most likely cause a divorce.
I think you will at least agree that it would not be to a child’s advantage to be raised by a single parent. Nor would it be living with a abusive parent and don’t forget verbal abuse. And these problems listed are far worse than a kid brought up with bad table manners.
Now let’s just go back to parental disagreement with “the rules”. Let’s imagine that you are driving your car. And every time you approach a stop sign there were two policemen standing there arguing whether you should stop or to go. You as the driver will just be confused what to do, and in the end make up your own mind whether you should or you shouldn’t. You would no longer respect the sign or either opinion of the 2 policemen. Let’s imagine on another corner there was just one policeman who screamed stop! In a very ugly way every time you approached the sign. You probably avoid this street the next time you are on the road. Children are not stupid. They know the rules. The rules need to be simple and clear. There needs to be consequences if the rules are broken. BUT there is not need to ram it down their throats. This will just ruin your relationship with your child and cause rebellion anyway. Set the rules, punish when necessary, and leave the poor kid alone.
Sunday — 13:04
Hi Guardian Angel
Well, you have managed to dig even deeper. But let me start with a question:
Have you seen somebody die?
Or a bit clearer:
Have you seen somebody choke to death when you were 15 and at a sports event?. I have. It was a sunny Sunday, kids were playing soccer. The ball came off the field towards him. He was eating a sandwich. He stood up, to kick the ball back and choked. Nobody knew how to do a Heimlich maneuver. When the ambulance came there was nothing to do. And unlike what they show in TV, it was not an “Oh he is dead” moment. He gasped for air, turned blue, 10, 15 minutes from hell that I still remember quite well.
Now you know why I am strict with kids not standing up when they are eating. My wife knows about this, she knows that my reaction is still somehow from the guts. It is not rational. She still does not seem to understand.
I do agree with your let them be philosophy for kids. I do the same, for everything, except eating while seated and computer games.
You have brought an interesting comparison with the policeman, except that in this case the kids do not know what the real rules are. Maybe they know that when dad is around they can not just stand from the table with food in their mouth and run around. And when dad is not around they can do what they please. Imagine me coming back home one day to find that my kid choked to death?. You will probably read about me in the newspapers.
My wife writes the rules. I happen to disagree with one single rule. It seems quite silly when you see it from outside, but it happens that the rule is important to me. So, if you compare taxes and policy to a family, I am in a place where I don’t like all policies.
Now, lets go back to your text about kids from single parents. You are preaching to the choir. I don’t want to leave my family, I don’t want to leave my kids. It gets silly, but the problem in a nutshell is:
“I don’t want to have another kid with my wife because she does not share my philosophy about kids eating at the table. This philosophy is something that unfortunately is not rational in me. And this whole thing is affecting my sexual life and pushing me to look for another partner”
Wow, I think I need to go for a walk and think about it…
Have a great Sunday.
Sunday — 19:46
Hi again,
After all the problems I have had with my kids I have realized there is no reason worrying about things that haven’t happened yet. Because you’re wasting your time and energy. Learn the Heimlich maneuver, teach it to your wife and kids, talk about what could happen in a matter of fact way, then let it go. It was a freak accident. Believe me, your kids will NOT choke to death, but something else just as bad might happen that you never dreamed of. My fears like yours are swimming pools and boats. Because I have heard about too many kids drowning in their own pools or in boating accidents. I never want to have a home with a pool for that reason. I never want to have a boat. I never let my kids ride horseback because of an accident that a cousin had on a horse that made her nearly lose her arm. But you can’t live your life like this. Do what you can and let it go.
The real problem you have is that your wife would most likely leave you if she found out what you are up to. She could remarry. Can you imagine letting another man raise your kids while you are alone at home and only get to see them every other weekend? Be careful what you wish for because this is what you need to be worried about. Not choking.
Your guardian angel.
Sunday — 21:52
Hi Guardian Angel
Well, your logic is brutally correct. Still I did have time to think your words this afternoon. I have decided I’ll get a vasectomy. You are correct about worrying about current issues instead of what could be. That much is truth.
Still I hope with a vasectomy I will be able to get back to a halfway normal sexual life with my wife. I don’t know what will she say, I’ll let you know.
The sheep seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
Monday — 12:55
Dear sheep
I think you are on the right track. But you don’t have to be so afraid of pregnancy. You don’t seem to be worried about it with the other women. Relax. You take life too seriously. Make it your priority this week to forget the rules and enjoy life and good things will happen because of this. Your kids will want to stay at the table because it is a nice place to be. Laugh a little. Smile and be nice and all your wishes will come true.
Coming soon, Chapter IX, Candlelight Dinner
