Couple Privilege in Polyamory
Is it unfair, or only reasonable in some cases?
One of the biggest hot-button issues in polyamory today is the question of couple privilege. This is when a couple, most often one who lives together, decides to enter into intimate relationships with other people but still keep their relationship as primary. Polyamorous partners who aren’t nesting (living together) or who came later to the party can end up taking a back seat in some situations. This can potentially cause some hurt feelings, but is it always unreasonable?
Couple privilege most often shows up as an issue in a triad where a third person joined the relationship of an existing couple, but it could take place in any polyamorous configuration where two people make their relationship primary. If there is a work party or a family get-together and that couple automatically and always attend things like that with each other this can leave some other partners feeling left out or like second-class citizens.
There are some polyamorous dynamics where a couple has gotten involved with a third person together and then treated them with less respect than they treat each other. This is certainly not OK, but it’s also not the only possible or default scenario. Since all polyamorous relationships are co-created from scratch by the people involved in them, this very well could be a part of the agreed-upon dynamic. It certainly is in my poly relationships.
James and I were together for over 20 years when we decided to open up our marriage to other relationships. At first, these were just sexual, but I did eventually meet someone that I wanted more with, and then James fell in love with someone else as well (I fell in love with her too). James and I decided early on that we only wanted to see other people together, and so a type of couple privilege was established right from the onset. But even if that weren’t the case, I don’t really see how it could have been any different.
By the time that James and I became polyamorous, we already shared a home, a special needs son, and all of our finances — and we had for a long time. Even in the unlikely event that we decided to share living arrangements and/or finances with somebody else, it is unlikely that anyone else would ever share equal responsibility for caring for our young adult child who will need our support for the rest of his life.
There are instances where polyamorous relationships share co-parenting, but although they are more common than they used to be, they are still comparatively rare. Most polyamorous relationships take place in parallel to each other, where people who are dating or married also have other intimate relationships with people their partners are not also involved with.
A couple in my Facebook polyamory group fell in love with another couple, and they recently all moved in together, including all of their kids. I don’t know the details of the parenting arrangements within that family, but since some of the children were young teens, I’m going to bet that they are primarily still being parented by their birth parents. And even if the foursome did want to share all parenting, there is currently no legal provision for 4 legal guardians.
There was a case in California earlier this year where three men in a polyamorous triad sought to all be legally considered the father of their child, and they did eventually get all of their names onto the birth certificate, but it was a long, and expensive legal battle. They had been together for several years and all share the same last name, but since there is no American provision for three people of any gender to marry, and they used an egg donor and a surrogate, it was a truly ground-breaking precedent. In 2017, three men did legally marry in Columbia, but I don’t anticipate that being available in the US any time soon.
Then there is the question about how out you are in your life about polyamory. Even though about 17 million Americans practice polyamory, that is still only about 4–5% of the population, and it is not yet a very widely accepted relationship style. We are a bit more open about it now that James has retired from his 9–5, but we still have no intention of talking to our families about our other relationships. There’s no real need to, and it’s just simpler and easier to not get into that with them.
In other words, there is no way that I would bring someone else that I’m involved with to a family gathering instead of James. And to be honest, I’m not sure that I would do that even if my family knew about them. This is because those relationships hold different places in my life than my relationship with James. He is my pair-bond, the person that I’ve been with more years than we’ve been apart, the father of my son, and the guy I wake up with every morning. Yes, my relationship with him is primary and I have no desire to see that change.
If all partners expect to be on equal footing and to be treated essentially the same, and that is something that everyone has agreed to do, then it is definitely a problem if it isn’t taking place. Basic respect and human decency ought to be an unquestioned aspect of all relationships. On the other hand, hierarchical polyamory is a valid style if that is what the people who are involved want and agree to.
Hierarchical Polyamory is a form of polyamory in which a person has multiple partners, but those partners are not equal in terms of interconnection, emotional intensity, and/or power within the relationship. One may prioritize their primary partner(s) above other relationships in regards to time commitments, vacations and holidays, going to family functions, and other important events as well.
Secondary or tertiary partners may not be taken into account when big decisions are being made. Typically, in this type of relationship, the level of commitment is determined by how long one has been in a relationship, so one’s primary partner(s) are typically the longest standing relationship. Secondary and tertiary partners have not been in the relationship for as long.
I understand how some polyamorous people might object to couple privilege, particularly since it tends to often stem from societal rules that normalize heterosexual monogamous pairings, and marginalize or erase other types of intimate relationships, even if this is inadvertent. This might make some of the relationships feel less valid than other ones. And, we still have to live in the culture that we live in and do the best we can with that, depending on individual circumstances and needs.
Couple privilege is awarded to you and your partner by society. It is related to romantic (and assumed sexual) coupling, and certain assumptions about your relationship are made, for better or worse. It does not necessarily require legal marriage, but is magnified by it — by the time you’re married, the couple privilege grows exponentially, and people make even more assumptions about your relationship, and how you interact with each other and others. Couple privilege cannot be “opted out” of — it’s a natural part of being in a visible couple.
However, I also understand the many instances where nesting partners, particularly those with children or others, might wish to prioritize their relationship over other ones. I can also see how societal non-acceptance of polyamory might mean that some people use the assumptions made about them as a couple to stay under the radar. As long as everyone is being considerate of each other and knows what to expect going into the relationship, polyamorists should be free to co-create the relationships that work for them, whatever those may be.
© Copyright Elle Beau 2021
