Dear Elle, Someone I Like Flirted With Me
I want to reciprocate, but I also love my wife
Dear Elle,
There is this woman at work, she makes me lose my head. This other person I don’t really know, I long for her as well. Fantasies, I like to tell myself. All living in my head.
Then, the other day, someone actually flirted with me. Someone pretty I would have offered a drink and to go up to my hotel room would I have been at a bar at a hotel and not at work. To my surprise, she even tried to touch my arm. You know, that flirty thing women do when they laugh at something you said that was not nearly as funny as their response.
I like to tell myself, I realize not all affection needs to be reciprocated, not all affection needs to be demonstrated, but then I feel it rottens the heart.
The problem is, I am a married man. And I already sent my poor wife to hell and back with my musings and airs to the point the other day she declined to read the last poem I wrote.
Regardless, you know, there, in my marriage, there is also love. There’s a special kind of something in the building of a home. Raising children, paying a mortgage, having a dog. Something you cannot share nor replicate with any lover, with any flirtation.
And here now, I’m afraid of being just another man who wants it all and is afraid to lose what he has.
What should I do?
Flirt in Waiting
Dear Flirt,
Humans are social animals. We are genetically designed for connection and love beyond just our pair-bond, but sadly, our culture largely does not support this in an erotic context. I understand very well what you are experiencing because I’ve felt it too. And you are also right that there is a special depth to sharing all the ups and downs of every day with someone even as you are drawn to novelty and the spark of new flirtations as well.
You’ve said that polyamory is off the table, but I think that you can both honor your marriage and also allow yourself to enjoy these moments of human connection with others. It doesn’t hurt anything to feel desirable and alive. In fact, it might even be really good for your relationship with your wife. Perhaps if you think of these feelings and flirtations as something that is allowed to be in something like another dimension from your family life, you can have it all — the stability and the warmth of your marriage as well as the part of you that is still an individual man.
When people really connect, they both feel it, even if they never say a word about it or do anything overtly to demonstrate it, and that can be very satisfying, even if it’s fleeting. I wrote about just such an experience in Flirting with the Wine Store Guy. We didn’t say anything that wasn’t respectable or professional, but still, we both experienced a very potent erotic connection, just for a few minutes there. It was delicious but also didn’t need to be anything other than that — just a few minutes of heat and passion that never went anywhere but the eyes.
If you reframe it in your mind that these connections and moments are a part of everyday life that is natural and also acceptable to have, even though they never turn into anything else, then it becomes a way of life which is very enjoyable but also doesn’t have the element of scarcity that can be such a part of the monogamous mindset. Is it possible that some of the “rotten in the heart” is the feeling that this is an opportunity that may not come again, and that you are somehow missing out?
Why not think of this instead as your chance to blossom into someone who is highly attractive because he makes women feel good about their connection with him without any pressure, demands, or expectations (which believe me, is very rare from a man). You might even become the workplace heart-breaker who still is 100% true to his marriage, but who offers the beauty and the electricity of human connection in ways that are harmless and where everyone can feel good?
In essence, instead of feeling constrained and that you are not allowed to have these feelings or to pursue any of these connections, why not look at it as though you don’t need to pursue them in order to experience and enjoy them? Just have them at the moment and know that there is always another one around the bend. Let that nourish your heart rather than rot it, and that nourishment can feed your relationships with your wife.
Wishing you all the best and happy flirting,
Elle
If you’ve got a question for Elle — about non-traditional life, love, sex, relationships, or really, just about anything, feel free to post it in the comments or send an email to sensualenchantment@gmail.com.
