How To Tell, Chapter I: The Three Phases
A story about opening up a relationship. Reality meeting fiction.
Chapter I — The Three Phases:
Claire was enjoying the sea breeze while riding on the convertible with him. She was happy to have agreed to flee the cold weather where they lived for a short weekend. The flight to this exotic destination had been a breeze in the business class seats they had gotten. She could hear the sounds of the birds at the nearby sea and could see the blue waters to her right. The sun was shining on the horizon on this late Saturday afternoon.
He took a right turn on a side road and parked at the entrance of the hotel. It was a small boutique hotel where each guest would have their own bungalow, it felt like being alone. Each bungalow had access to the beach, but still, the clubhouse was there with all possible amenities for the guests.
They got a welcome cocktail, a margarita for her, a pina colada for him, and then they walked hand in hand to their bungalow. Claire was wearing a white linen dress that she liked a lot, and it fit her mood. She took her shoes off to feel the warmth and fresh feeling of the sand on her feet. After a brief stop to change clothes they decided to go for the sea while the sun was still up.
Laying at the beach she started pondering about all the events that she had lived through the last months. She still remembered the evening last summer when she had gotten together with her cousin Lily. That conversation had changed her life. This had turned the last months into a hurricane of emotions and discoveries. She had been happy to see her cousin again after a long time. And she liked the philosophical conversations as they were getting updated on what was going on in their lives.
When they were growing up Lily and she were close. Lily was a few years younger and from early age had shown to have a strong will and character. Claire had always admired Lily for her perseverance and endurance.
Claire had grown up in a quite conservative setting which had defined her first relations with men. It had been a restrictive environment that had her suppress her feelings for the sake of appearances. Lily had always taken a more liberated way in her interactions. Yesterday had been a special evening since they had met again after some 17 years of not seeing each other. The discussion had moved quite soon into their relationship with their men. Lily asserted that younger women had a harder time on their sexual life than women in their 40’s like them. She believed that while all women needed to be comfortable in their skin, maturity helped to know yourself better.
Claire was considering how her sexual life had evolved over the years. Three different phases became clear to her. The first stage had started as she was a teenager with her first kiss and her first boyfriend. It was a stage of discovery, of strong and new feelings. Her heart could go from heaven to hell and back to heaven in days. Some days she felt like her feelings were riding a giant roller coaster. She had been a late starter, focusing on her studies and books while a teenager. Her first steady boyfriend had been Alex when she went away for one semester at the university. She had tried to get in an exchange program to England but ended up in Switzerland, the land of cheese and chocolate.
Things with Alex took a long time to develop. They would go to parties and picnics together. She remembered their long walks by the lake discussing the meaning of life, and their trips to nearby cities together. That first hustled kiss followed by a period of insecurity. She did not feel he was really after her, more just a nice guy friendly with everybody. And then about a week before she was to travel back home they had their first time together. Their relationship moved to be a long-distance one with months of daily calls and the sporadic get together. This brought up the discovery of her sexuality, with long periods of time in between that allowed her to let things sink in.
The second phase started after her first son was born. Her perception of lovemaking changed completely. It turned out to be something much more beautiful. She became aware of the power of her body to create new life, and somehow that helped her to be more relaxed about it. It was during this phase that she started to reach the high point of lovemaking. Claire also started to become more aware of her body and began exploring herself. This helped her understand which sensations would arise when touching which parts of her body. There were still some reservations holding her to fully live her sexuality. Lovemaking could result in becoming pregnant, with all the consequences that this involved.
After her daughter was born she developed a cyst in one of her ovaries, and the doctors had to remove them. This resulted in her not being able to become pregnant again, which in a way freed her from the last thing holding her sexuality back. Initially she felt saddened by the idea of not being able to have more kids, despite already having her hands full with two little ones, and thus began the third phase. Making love without the risk of getting pregnant gave her a sense of freedom. It was a great feeling and her perception when it comes to sex changed again. She also was able to reach climax regularly while making love because she could just drop things. Also, her desire curve went up, she wanted to make love more often and enjoyed doing it. It was also the starting point for further experiments that would have been too risky before. This phase was a self-discovery. And yet somehow she felt that the phase was not through yet. She felt she could still learn a lot, as far as lovemaking went.
So, in a way Lily was right. She knew herself better at this age and also knew what she wanted. It seemed a paradox that their life as a couple had grown colder. She had a good life with Alex. They both had a good job and they did have a good economic situation. They could afford to own their house and go on holidays once or twice a year. They did not have a surplus either, but somehow having to save for things they really wanted made her appreciate them more. Her kids filled up her life with joy and definitely kept her busy. Routine settled in, and the chores of daily life took over her time. When she got to bed all she wanted to do was sleep. There was loneliness in her life despite being surrounded by people.
Less than three years ago she had started secretly seeing Dan. It all started innocently enough. Dan was in the same company where she worked part-time. His office was about 2 hours away from headquarters where she was located. They were part of a team working on some company policies and had to communicate often. Dan was a charming tanned Mediterranean kind of guy and a great conversationalist. She found herself trusting more of her private life with him. Soon enough their exchanges became daily and on a rainy November afternoon after lunch, they went for a walk in the old part of the city. While walking through the hilly streets she missed a step, almost falling, but Dan caught her in his arms and they ended up kissing each other.
Her relationship with Dan was a torrid one. They would write to each other daily and would meet in secret about once a month, sometimes adding a free day to a business trip. She felt understood and supported and was happy to have someone with whom to share things she never thought could be shared. The secrecy of the relationship made it more exciting. Dan was also married and also had two kids. However they had agreed not to mix their private lives. While she thought her life had never been better, something in the back of her mind was telling her it was better to live happiness in secret. It was during these evenings with Dan that she had felt the most united with somebody.
Dan was a sensible man who was always interested in how she felt. They would talk about their previous relationships and about their feelings towards each other. It was through him that she learned how the act of lovemaking felt to a guy. And while describing her feelings to him she became more aware of her own feelings and reactions. After a session of lovemaking, they would lie in bed holding each other. He used to hold her in a spoon position while caressing her and chatting with her. She could feel the warmth of his body on her back and that made her feel cozy and wanted.
They used to meet at this apartment with a small kitchen and he would cook for her. He was a good cook and always surprised her with some Mediterranean dish. She would usually organize dessert and wine. He had a sweet tooth and she knew what he liked, despite the fact that he was always telling her that he had to keep an eye on his weight. She felt that the old saying of loving coming through the belly was partially true in their relationship.
During these years with Dan she had managed to lose some weight. This came without her having to go on a diet and gave her a high feeling of self-worth. She used to joke to Dan that all the fitness they did while in bed was a good way to burn calories, but she also found herself with less appetite. She also started wearing girly dresses again. Dan made her feel feminine, and felt like living through a second spring in her life. After the kids were born dresses were not the most comfortable thing to wear. While the kids were little and she was breastfeeding dresses were cumbersome. And after her daughter was born, she had put on some weight that would just not go away, and did not feel comfortable wearing them.
But during the first summer that they were together they had gone to a city by the sea. While shopping she found a nice long brown dress that fit her nicely. Dan liked her wearing dresses, and this made her feel more sensual and desired. She had started getting dresses that she used to wear before the kids were born and wearing them more often. Being with Dan was like opening a door to a secret garden where she could live her senses to the max.
She was living a double life. And the conversation with Lily had somehow made her understand that she was not alone in her feelings about her sexuality. Yet she could not out herself and share with her cousin all things that were going on her life.
Next: Chapter II — Grill Time
