I’m Kinky, Not Easy
There's a huge difference, so why can’t people distinguish that?
One of the things I was determined to do post-divorce was to learn as much as I could about myself, so I wouldn’t ever repeat the shit show known as my now defunct marriage. The first thing I did was enroll with the help of a life coach. I know some people find life coaches lame, but I can honestly say I’ve learned more about myself and felt more empowered once I started working with a life and love coach in several sessions than the years and $$$ I poured into conventional therapy where I felt all I did was ruminate. It didn’t help that I didn’t like my last therapist too much, but felt obligated to keep seeing her mainly because she was recommended by a good friend, who also happened to be a therapist buddy of hers. Did I mention people-pleasing was my forte at the time? This can actually explain a whole lot now that I think of it.
The life coach and I started our work getting to know who I was as a person, and what was underneath all of my negative dating/relationship patterns. One of the avenues was to explore various online dating sites. In my quest to kill two birds with one stone, I decided to try out an “adult”/kink dating site mainly as a social experiment to explore my feelings on sex and sexuality. At the same time, I was open to the fact that if anything healthy came out of this social experiment, it would be a pleasant — and very much welcomed — surprise.
I’m sure you have so many questions about what I learned and more importantly “Why would I do that?!” The short answer, for now, is that I grew up an overachieving, people-pleasing, relatively “good”/closeted, Catholic Asian girl. Sex was just something we never talked about nor was encouraged to even think about — unless I was a guy, but that’s a whole different thing we can discuss later. The closest thing I got to having a sex talk with my parents was “Don’t kiss a guy because you’ll end up pregnant” and “Don’t let a guy touch your breasts because you’ll get breast cancer.” Both of which I can say with complete confidence are 100% false.
Post-divorce, I found myself asking multiple questions, one included what does sex and my sexuality mean to me because I was not able to fully explore either of them, even when I was married, which sucked because I grew up thinking that’s where the true fun was at. It’s one thing to disclose I was online dating, but I didn’t think the (ok, my) world could handle I was on a kink/adult dating site, so I was flattered when an artist friend of mine exclaimed, “Wow, that’s like a work of art in itself!” after explaining to her why I decided to use the site to help me navigate the amazing world of sex and sexuality.
My experiment only lasted about a month at that time before needing to take a break, but I learned so many things, like what men actually find sexy in a woman, and that it’s okay to be assertive in what you want and what you don’t like, e.g. saying no to dick pics. Not too sure why some guys think sending unsolicited dick pics is a proper form of introduction or an icebreaker. I mean, we’re all on this site to explore our kinks or get laid in one form or another, so there’s really no reason to feel like a crude dick selfie is needed to further explicate why one is reaching out in the first place. The interesting thing is that this behavior is not reserved for kink dating sites, I’ve also seen it on the more “vanilla” dating sites. When did this behavior become okay?
The thing that gets me most is the entitlement some guys have where they think it’s okay to just jump right into my sexual preferences or experiences. That’s fine for some people, but I’m not some kink-vending machine. At the end of the day, I am still a real person with real feelings. I may be kinky and have certain preferences, but I can appreciate it when guys know they are also way more than just their sex. I think a confident man allows for things to progress naturally, and is cognizant of my feelings and if they are reciprocated. Like most things, talking about sex and sexuality comes with a certain level of trust that has been established through multiple interactions. Some people just don’t get it. If someone you just met straight-up asks you about your innermost personal thoughts and preferences, you’d be like, “Who the F*#$ is this guy?” At the end of the day, really what it comes down to is consent.
Some people act like asking for consent is such a mood killer, but one of the sexiest experiences happened when I was about to have sex for the first time with this sexy beast of a man (yup, I just used a variation of sex 3 times in the same sentence). I remember his body hovering over me with his massive dick in his hand, and asking, “Is this what you want?” At first, I sat there thinking, “Is this a rhetorical question?” I had so many questions!
I finally realized he was serious (Yes, I can be a little slow sometimes) as he stayed in that position, waiting for a response. I finally uttered “yes,” and he began what ultimately led to one of my most favorite interactions ever. My point about consent really is that when guys don’t get that I’m not interested, despite the fact I explicitly said I’m not feeling things, but proceeds to force the interaction, things go from having a flirty conversation to me feeling steamrolled, which can definitely lead to people seeing what poking a sleeping bear looks like. Just because someone likes sex, does not mean they want to sleep with just anyone.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being a hater or thinking like I’m so awesome, it’s just a feeling I have. I realize dating is a numbers game where you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find that Prince Charming. It just gets overwhelming to feel like people see you as an object and completely disregard the fact you have opinions and thoughts. I’m not being sensitive because I actually met a guy on that same adult site, who felt the same way. He was very good-looking and open about his sexual preferences. He seemed to get offers on the regular but confided in me that at the end of the day, he’s more than his sexual prowess. He stated he ultimately craves connection on a more spiritual level, which is an entirely different conversation at the end of the day. It was just good to know some guys can be kinky, but not easy, too. It doesn’t make them any less of man, if anything, it makes them one hell of a man.
