Why sexual freedom and equality in the bedroom is still a myth
And why men have a critical role to play on this journey
“Are you sure you won’t feel degraded when giving me a blowjob?”, he asked confusedly.
‘What?! I love giving head!’, she answered with a naughty smile while going down on him.
This funny anecdote was told to me by a female friend, as she recalled a past sexual experience.
‘The guy was very sweet.’, she continued. ‘A real ‘leftie’ with good intentions and genuine care. But he just didn’t get the point. He didn’t understand that I’m a sexually liberated woman and fully own my pleasure, at least as much as he does!’
‘Are you sure this is the case for most women?’ I asked her.
This conversation sparked my research about the current state of sexual freedom with women and whether the conventional norms and beliefs around female pleasure and sexuality have truly transformed since the sexual revolution movement.
Let’s unpack this…
Men used to have most of the power, privilege, and pleasure in the bedroom
They were mostly dominant, and women were mostly submissive.
They knew what they desired, had the confidence and entitlement to take it or directed women to give it to them. They could say and do whatever they wanted without much shame.
It was generally believed that men loved sex more than women and had a higher sexual appetite. They could have sex whenever they wanted and reached orgasm 95% of the time.
Women were expected to be modest and restrained, at the service of men’s pleasure.
Female pleasure was routinely denied or dismissed.
Then, the sexual liberation movement happened.
Throughout the 1950s, 60s, and 70s, many women began to demand greater sexual freedom and control over their own bodies. The ‘sexual revolution’ and availability of the pill allowed many women to explore their sexuality without fear of pregnancy.
This movement brought about profound shifts in attitudes toward women’s sexuality, homosexuality, pre-marital sexuality, and the freedom of sexual expression.
Thus, one would logically expect that most women (such as my friend mentioned above) would fully own their sexual pleasure and fully embody their sexual freedom by now.
But is this a fact? Let’s look at some data:
- Only 50-70% of women report having orgasms compared to 95 percent of men. That is, 50% with casual partners and 70% in committed relationships.
- 10% to 15% of women have never had an orgasm, not even when masturbating.
That in itself is a significant inequality, don’t you think?
Laurie Mintz Ph.D. coined this phenomenon ‘orgasm inequality’ or ‘the orgasm gap’.
But this phenomenon goes much further than orgasm alone.
As Katherine Rowland, author of ‘The Pleasure Gap’, points out, many women experience sex like a chore, provide unenthusiastic consent and struggle with partners that routinely dismiss their pleasure.
They tend to prioritize their partners’ pleasure at the expense of their own, are scared to be ‘too much’ or ‘slutty’ if fully expressing their sensual pleasures, do not dare speak up when something bothers them in bed, and have low body self-esteem.
And, many women still have difficulty feeling embodied due to sexual trauma, feeling objectified, inappropriately sexualized, and socially unsafe.
Bottom-line, up to 50% of (American) women report persistent sexual dissatisfaction, including low sexual desire.
That means they are still not feeling free to fully enjoy their sexuality.
This is revolting!
Why does this problem persist, 60 years after the Sexual Revolution?
Although the answer is multifaceted and complex, it is also painfully straightforward.
A massive inequality still exists in our culture when it comes to female sexual pleasure.
A massive gap still exists between women’s capacity for sensuality and their actual enjoyment.
Our culture has not lived up to fully recognizing female desire.
Low desire and low sexual satisfaction in women is still very much rooted in underlying psychological issues (limiting personal beliefs) as well as dominant psychosocial influences (cultural norms).
Basically, women have internalized limiting beliefs about themselves and their right to pleasure.
They have absorbed the idea that their (sexual) pleasure is a lesser priority. They are feeling, and are being made to feel, undeserving or less entitled to sexual pleasure.
They lack sexual agency.
Sexual agency is the ability to identify, communicate, and negotiate one’s sexual needs, and to initiate behaviours that allow for the satisfaction of those needs. It includes sexual assertiveness, feelings of entitlement to pleasure, and sexual satisfaction.
Lack of sexual agency diminishes what women receive and what women feel they can rightly claim in terms of pleasure in their (sexual) lives.
This urgently needs to change!
It is time for all women to reclaim their desire and feel empowered to fully live their pleasure potential
It is time for all women to dare to fully embrace and embody their Erotic Nature
It is time for real sexual freedom and full equality in the bedroom.
Fortunately, the pathway to sexual liberation is known and has already been successfully embodied by many sexually liberated women
It boils down to unlearning what you thought sex and pleasure are supposed to look like.
Rekindling with eroticism is a process of claiming the freedom to do as you please in your intimate life.
This could look like:
- Learning to truly listen to your body, own your needs, and express your desires
- Drawing new boundaries: learning to say no and learning what real consent feels like
- Expanding your boundaries, such as exploring sexual fantasies or alternative relationship models
It takes time to feel you have the space to do whatever you want, to create whatever relationship structure you want, to have whatever kind of sex you want.
But it can be done.
Erotic potential is not written in stone.
Pleasure and its value can be learned.
Desire lies on the other side of giving up limiting beliefs and assumptions.
Ultimately, sexual satisfaction is rooted in feeling socially powerful, being entitled to explore and express one’s sexuality, and in feeling equal to their partner.
And, guess what, the journey doesn’t stop with equality.
Beyond sexual equality, there is sexual awakening
Sexual awakening means fully coming into your own erotic power.
Sexual awakening means consciously exploring the play of polarities. This play of polarity between masculine and feminine energies can be explored via multiple pathways: for example Tantra which explores sexuality that doesn’t end in orgasm, domination and submission role-play, BDSM, etc…
It is an infinite playground.
The good news for women is that the range and depth of female pleasure potential “infinitely surpasses that of man.” (according to research from William Masters and Virginia Johnson)
For the contemporary man, supporting the feminine on her journey to sexual awakening will provide the deepest satisfaction.
When a man supports a woman on her journey rather than selfishly seeking to fulfill his own needs through her sex, his healing, and emancipation will also be ensured.
Sexual awakening of women is the gateway to the Divine.
We, men and women, must find our way back to participatory reverence.
