Chapter 1

18.4.2017, Berlin

©Fotolia

Today is the day where I wanted to quit smoking. That obviously didn’t work out since I already smoked two cigarettes until only the ash was left behind in the ashtray I gave my Partner, as a gift from when I was in London. But I still have the whole day to keep on trying. It is half past eleven and I should have been in uni, but today, I didn’t feel like it to go. I rather wanted to go to an exchange store and exchange the stolen pounds from my parents to euros. I am utterly broke and in need of repairing my old non-smartphone, so I can finally be some kind of reachable for those who need to reach me. I smoked my second cigarette with my partners roommate and left the apartment. Having packed the money in my backpack and my mind set to go to the exchange store, I just can’t stop thinking about my plan. My plan of freedom.

My smartphone is confiscated. Yes, by my parents, as well as all the other electronic devices I had. Normally, I would have been mad and sad. Since I couldn’t reach anyone nor have anyone be able to reach me. It’s a shame for my parents to still behave like this towards me (and my brother). But, to be honest, this time I am quite happy about it. having no device where everybody could, i they would want to, track you down, makes you unreachable and a little more free than usually. With that be said, it’s my parents own fault of not knowing where I am. Which suits me quite well, evil as I am. You should know, and probably have noticed, that my parents aren’t one of the “laissez faire” kind of parents. They are strict. Which as two side effects, one negative and one positive. Usually. In normal cases, having strict parents, leads to your child being more rebellious as others, which could be a negative aspect of strict parenting. On the other side, those children will most likely become very self-disciplined. I am not one of those children. I am rebellious, yes, but not self-disciplined. Which makes me one of those “difficult” children. I laugh about it.

After coming back 4–5 hours later as planned from my trip to a good old friend of mine in northern Germany (with my mothers car), my mother got a little to angry and almost kicked me out after taken all my devices. I kept calm, I found it kind of an overreacted situation. Which it really was. I understand, putting myself in their shoes, that they worried something happen. But I didn’t did’t got notice of myself to them. What happened on that Sunday night, got myself thinking of being treated different. I won’t be treated different anymore. My parents are becoming old and stubborn and won’t change their mind set anymore. Which is okay for me. But I definitely need space from them. I love them, but we have to change. If they don’t want to, well then I will. That was the moment when I realized, I needed freedom. More than I have right now. And a different kind of freedom than that what I have now.

But what is freedom? What does this word really mean? Its something where you are not forced to do that what someone tells you to do, with either a threat attached to it or not. Freedom also isn’t something tangible and that is exactly what i want it to be and what i want to reach. Sort of.

Meanwhile I bought a sim card and have exchanged the stolen pounds. I was only able to exchange the 20pound note. Apparently currency notes from less than 5 and small changes aren’t recognised as exchangeable currency. which is a little impractical for me since now I have only left 20 euros, and not 45. My sim card is registered, my phone actually works, only my phone password won’t let itself reset. And now I have to wait till tomorrow and find ten euros somewhere to pay the repair costs. Update: I have smoked nine cigarettes in three a half hours. As already said, I never made friends with my self-discipline.

© 2017 Lilia Waters