Addiction
Addiction:
We don’t choose to be addicted.
What we choose to do is deny our pain.
The many faces caught by my partner, photographer, one who not only I’ve grown with but has been able to capture moments both saddening, other moments of strength. The pain and confusion in my face shown with dilated eyes are of a reality many go through. I was one of them. The drugs helped, the alcohol helped, the sleep helped, forgetting helped. But then none of that helped.
The trauma from my personal issues relating to family, and loss are better handled clean, sober, and in therapy with support. The trauma from my addiction has gotten better, I don’t blame myself every time I look in the mirror. The depression I fight against with medication, and understanding of myself, paired with a fantastic psychiatrist. Newly sober, I am desiring to help others with my story in the future. I have a lot more healing and improving I need to do for myself, my daughter, my family, and my God. I will, and this is another part of the journey, my journey, sharing my story.
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If you or anyone you know is battling depression please contact mentalhealthline.org to speak so a qualified person able to help.
For substance abuse concerns I recommend contacting SMART Recovery, apps: Una (formerly Triggr), and Sober Grid. Caron.org I learned about on NPR, and for Georgians, Caron.org/Atlanta.
— JLJ @thisdamsel
ADDICTION:
I have a writing series I’ve started on the Blog and Writing site: Medium. I began one that focuses on my addiction. The image I chose to represent the series also included a quote that says: “We don’t choose to be addicted. What we do choose it to deny our pain.” I couldn’t have put my reason in any simpler way.
Last night, before my Catholic conversion class, RCIA, I chose to have a drink. Following an overwhelming class, I chose to deal with new emotions by having another drink, and another. I have been feeling overwhelmed from the recent loss of my surrogate Father, estate situations, bills, trouble finding a job, then freelance work, school, my three-year-old, my relationship, reconnecting with friends. Most importantly just feeling I need, or want alone time without someone barging in, dogs barking, somewhere to go, meeting to attend. For me, I chose to “escape” into a Makers Mark following a glass of rose’. Two, too many. My state of non-sobriety, followed by sickness was all too hidden by myself throughout the night from my family. That said, more apologies, and shame from me with the start of a new day, a new “day one.”
I’m going to try a meditation sobriety class and actually incorporate fitness now, instead of a plan. Staying busy helps, so all I can do is anything else but drinking, or drugs.
— JLJ @thisdamsel
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