Weekend Reflections
1. I’m at the Eve of my 34th Birthday. My 30’s feel more crucial than my 20’s. The 20’s were fun, wild, and to me, worth the risk. I was too foolish to think about what could go wrong. That ignorance put me in some many areas of life to be in many of the successful positions many assume I’m still in. However, my 30’s are more about being intentional. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have those inhibitions for making sure the Brown foundation is built on a solid rock, but I do. I’m not jumping at every idea that runs through my head. The ideas I attempt to execute are done with so much patience. Honestly, that scares me too because death is always on my mind. Not in a suicidal manner, but in a manner that says, “Will I accomplish everything in time?” Am I happy about how far I came? Absolutely! I never thought I would be in the positions or relationships I am in. I also cannot pretend that I still have a ways to go. I’m not wealthy yet, I’m not established yet, and I do not have the political capital I would like to have to see North Nashville push higher on the historical foundation it is founded upon. Many times, I’m not sure I will need to move away from the place I love to come back to it later. I know these thoughts were not in my head in my 20’s and for good reason. The experience was not there for me to think this way. Do not get me wrong. Great things have happened this past year. I’m a city commissioner (it’s volunteer), A Co-Director (Volunteer too), I built relationships with some power top heavy individuals. I met people that others would look down on that helped me realize my value is not being tapped into with full strength. I have a wonderful and beautiful wife. I have some good friends. I have a supportive family… But I’m still hungry for more. I’m not always sure if I’m running towards or running away from my destiny. I feel nomadic in my purpose and not sure when I will get home. So I prepare for the 34th birthday realizing that 33 truly was #TheJesusYear. I felt spat on, ravaged, betrayed, persecuted, crucified… but Gotdammit, I’m still alive. I think that is the point I need to realize more vividly, that destruction almost killed my soul, but I’m still here. I, in many ways, received my freedom to be a free agent that can create whatever I want for myself. That’s why this year is pictured with the metaphor of the Eclipse in its totality. I want to shake up everything. I want to change what people think at a time it shouldn’t happen, when it exactly should. It’s been 500 years for a total eclipse. Yes, there have been other eclipses, but not like this one. This eclipse will have things thinking it is night. It will change the temperature. It will confuse animals. I will have people stopping whatever they are doing to see this event. People will pull over on the side of the road. Others will charge people so much money just to get the best view possible. Many will not go to work and some will not leave the house in fear of its impact and for their own safety. That’s the plan for the 34th. That’s why I say #IamtheEclipse. I want my 34th year to be so powerful that it will block out the Sun. I don’t care if it is for a min or 2. I still want to be able to say I accomplished something that hasn’t been done in over 500 years. I was born on a Sunday in August at 5:31AM. It might seem insignificant to you, but that day a creation came to leave it’s mark no different than the Eclipse on tomorrow. Well let me introduce you to this E-Clipse, that think it’s time to show the world a beautiful black out. It’s a great color anyways. So with the time I have left on earth, the impact will not be minimal. #IamtheEclipse
2. Jay Z’s Rap Radar Podcast Part 1 interview explains why I have been such a fan. Too much knowledge kicked in such a short time. Check it out on Tidal or Youtube.
3. I am $90 from $1000 for my birthday campaign to donate money for my birthday to New Leaders Council. I only wanted to get $340. $10 for each year, but people kept giving. I didn’t plan on stopping it, but didn’t think it would keep going. So now we are here. Very grateful for the support for me and the organization. If you would, give $10 to help me reach that $1000 dollar goal. Donate here: https://www.facebook.com/donate/291678541239894/1496043633838902/
4. Sometimes I have to split my thoughts of a person with the accomplishments and progression they did for others. Dick Gregory as the comedian and commentator did too much to push black people further. As the person I met in GA, that bashed young folks in a divisive room where many were trying to close the gap for intergenrational models, I lost my reverence for him. So it puts me in complicated position to have to say that yes, he will be remembered and missed, but also that I have to fight what I remember what happened in that room that day where I left. He’s not the first person I felt that way about after their death. He’s own a rather long list, but that shouldn’t stop me from acknowledging his worth and impact. I see it and want to keep his family in my thoughts during this loss.
5. Tuesday, I was so impressed with not just Nashville, but Black Nashville. It was a Tuesday after hearing Van Jones at the Van Jones: We Rise Tour Nashville powered by the LoveArmy.org. You usually don’t see such a packed out room at Slim & Husky’s Pizza Beeria out so late to celebrate the art of Omari Booker, the work of Faith Matters Network, the creativity of SpreadLuv, to help sell out Hip Hop Charades, and their support for The Wolves Podcast. People stayed until almost 2AM on a work day. Thanks for proving we are more than what we are given credit for in life. That was a phenomenal night. So many people who usually are reclusive told me that they wanted to keep staying out. My people looked beautiful that night. For real.
6. Strong People, let your people support you. I have to teach myself that thought everyday.
7. Never think you do not need a team. That village, tribe, posse, group, click, or circle is why we still are as far as we are.
8. If we want our passions to play on the big screen, stage, field, platform, or medium, then we have to stop treating it like a hobby. Some of the illest words Anasa Troutman said in front of me. Be okay with learning the business behind your work.
9. Encourage Yourself. Forget the inner negativity. You got this.
10. Hope for me only matters if it turns into actualization. I don’t want to see it as just allure.
11. Stop saying White Nationalist, call a racist a racist. I stopped being apart of rallies and marches a long time ago. But mark my words, if the racists come to Nashville, I guess I will take the jersey off of retirement status.We have enough racists here, I will not allow more recruitment, conversion, and immersion. Take that shit somewhere else… like a dumpster.
12. Do me a favor and Subscribe to The Wolves Podcast on Apple Podcast and Google Play Podcast. If you are feeling frisky, leave us a positive comment under it too.
13. See you tomorrow in my full glory.
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Bonus: Do what you want with your statues, I just remember all these hardcore AMERICANS that discuss if you don’t love this country, then leave. Then, if you love your country, why are we celebrating so many traitors? I think they kneeling a little more than Kaep than they would have us to believe. #falseidols
1. The best place for me to be on August 21st, my birthday, was at the crib. North Nashville did me well. People talked about the total eclipse, but it’s something magical to see it in an area where others do not feel this place deserves such a sight. We are used to hearing gun shots, seeing prostitution, watching people affected by drugs addictions scurry through the streets, while litter is everywhere, that you forget North Nashville deserves the eclipse too. I panicked for a second because in Nashville where we got to see the whole view, the clouds almost blocked the site. But two minutes before the magic, the sky was so vulnerable, it let us see all of its glory. I watched black kids and Latina(o) kids with eclipse glasses look up to see on the sidewalk. I saw many kids in North Nashville, but on my block, parents would probably suggest they stay in the backyard to avoid harm. On this day, the children were out, with smiles on their faces, joy in their hearts, and an amazement in their eyes of seeing something that hasn’t happened in 500 years. I looked over to my left to see gentlemen ask me, “Has it started yet?” It was more touching, because the house somewhat close to me, is a house for adults with mental and physical ailments. Some are semi-independent, others are not. Either way, they knew they want to see the eclipse too. Then, it happened. The sky went dark and the shimmering of light from the side flurried for an angelic feel. I don’t think I would have thought of the eclipse in the hood, if it were not for Omari Booker’s painting he completed the week before. Doesn’t the hood deserve the eclipse, too? Don’t people who are not able to go to the Sound’s stadium or pay $500 for a rooftop party, able to see something so beautiful in an area that sometimes can be so ugly? The eclipse did stop gun shots that started once the moon met the sun, and it did feel like time took a moment to reflect. Those who solicit on the streets paused and watched. Those who slept on the homemade bus bench, woke up to watch. The retirees across the street hobbled outside with their glasses to see this moment. All I could do was think to myself, “This is the best present I could have on my birthday.” Who would imagine that I would get to see this happen on the day of my birth, in a place that is frowned upon, and see the hood come out of their homes for such a marvelous delight as this one?” With all the negativity in the world, we need a reminder that the dark is beautiful, too. Even the sun has to respect this power and place a shimmer around the moon to show it’s glowing nature. North Nashville saw it with me. I’m glad I was there.
2. 50–0. Let’s throw it out there, Mayweather has plenty of negatives to play on about him. The positive I take from him is really not even the win, it’s the production company. HBO thought they would give pennies and he say, “Yes suh, massa.” He rejected their promotion deal. He created Mayweather Productions where he gets money from the pay per views, the money at the gate, the money for the fight, the money from his boxers, and we can keep going. He sponsors himself in his fights. His team and him understood that people do not like his style of fighting and hate him. Instead of getting people to pay to see him, he gets people to pay to want to see him lose. He even bets on himself for the fights. People mad that he took fights to the end, when he looked for a bigger payout. We can talk about his reading skills, but I think his business skills look fluent. I just want us to see our worth and take that model further. We are seeing it done in Music and Basketball, now let’s push that model even further.
3. This is a crucial week for me. I plan on finishing the first draft of my book. I’m going to logout and only eat and drink, walk and type. Truthfully, right now, it’s my only game plan. I can look for the excuses of why I shouldn’t, but it’s all I got. Joshua Mundy said something yesterday that stuck. He said, “Do it, don’t think about. You can figure out the other stuff later.” Well, I’m about to write. The good, the bad, the sexy, the ugly, the flaws, the assets, the truth.” I’m betting on me.
4. I didn’t discuss this last week, but I facilitated a grant process. If accepted, which it will be, it gets the institution $300,000 a year, for five years. That is $1.5 Million. If it is considered one of the best, it has the ability to win another $1 Million. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I knew the gifts I had. I understood design content, my connections, deadlines, and working with other people. The last part didn’t always go well, but it happened. It was bittersweet. I was happy of the accomplishment, disappointed in the lack of trust others have to get things done. I’m going to get better at seeing this as a win and not just a stop on the trip.
5. I’m 34 years old. I don’t feel like I have accomplished what I set out. I’m a perfectionist so it’s hard for me to see the win all the time. I try to accept them, but I think I can do them better. I have taken many L’s up to this point, but I keep going. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because with every L, I learn another angle to get a win after 50 or so L’s. I think I’m close to another 50. Hopefully the win is around the corner. Maybe it’s just my outlook. I have people I barely know say things like, “You are doing great work from what I see and hear.” It can make me feel like a fraud. I don’t think I do anything to be seen in a certain light. Maybe people see more than what is there to me. I do know I don’t want to die without feeling I accomplished my task on earth and in life. Well, let’s get these L’s out the way so I can see another win.
6. $758 Million dollars. I know it’s a scam… but I’m willing to pay $4 for that scam. I rarely gamble because I think there are better things to do with money. Every once in a while, I change my mind. I start thinking about how I would invest 5–10% of that money in North Nashville. I start thinking about what stocks I can add to my portfolio. I think about what guidelines my wife and I would put in place to get our family and friends financial literacy before just handing some of them a check. I think about paying off those student loans and flipping them the bird. I think about setting up a trust fund. I think about still living frugal… even though Brittney and I would probably leave the States for a year to see the whole world. I think about how to create more black entrepreneurs and create businesses that need more than 5 to 10 employees where my people can walk to work. I think about the lawyers I would keep on retainer, insurance boost I would place on intellectual and regular property. It’s why they would never let a nigga like me win the lottery.
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- Being hurt can make you feel like you deserve to stay in pain. You can do things like not just wallow in the feelings of sadness and fear, but doing the opposite of what is healthy because your hurting. You stop eating healthy. You drink for courage, but more to lose control. You think, by not thinking about it will make it magically go away. In the end, the problem is still waiting like a three year old wanting to ask you a question. The problem won’t stop until it gets what it wants. But did you get what you wanted? Does running from the hurt, not talking to the person, staying away from a community really resolve the hurt? Can you allow yourself to feel again? Is the pain the symbol of the presence of what was once there? Why the pain and not the lessons and good times that came from the experience? Sometimes the best way to deal with the pain is to run to it, learn from it, and direct your life in what was the positive. If it is death of a loved one, what was the good of that person that you can carry on the legacy they left behind? If it was a wrong done to you, what did you learn to do so that you may continue to keep your head up? If it was a risk that did not turn into a victory, how do you pick up the pieces and keep going? Because you have to keep going, right? I believe so. That’s where the growth happens, but do you always want to grow?
2. I’m back in the spot where everything feels scary again and I know that is the road I must travel. This road is not gold. Matter of fact, it’s only a weedy, dirt trail. It needs concrete, leveling, paint to give directions, and signs. The part that makes you humble, is after the work is done, I may not be able to go down the road the way it is made efficient. But others can. The things we build and create are not always for us to enjoy, but to improve the lives of others. It may not feel worth it for us, but it’s purpose for others must suffice.
3. I have not been to the building we know as church in a while. Not sure I want to go back. I know my purpose and the conflict around me based on the symbolism of being in attendance at the building. You ever experienced church hurt? Let’s go further, you ever experienced feeling the hole in your heart while participating at church all your life, but feeling too guilty to leave? I’m a fourth generation minister that is not sure of a lot of things, but faith in something is not one of them. But that faith looks way different. It’s not about trusting God or even worrying about God. The state of mind I am in is about, why do we keep doing the same thing expecting a different result? The building we call church is my thorn in the flesh. I want to see the gathering of people that show the presence of God be more than a political or religious symbol that only is about making people feel miserable for being a fence straddler if they do not pick a side. Why can we not be honest with ourselves and not see the gathering of people not as two sides, but as the different angles of a diamond. It’s more than what meets the eye. I’m not sure everyone has a clear meaning of God, church, salvation, doctrines, or beliefs, because the words were set for them to just recite and made to feel fear if not believed over deliberately finding the truth for themselves. It’s not about two sides of a coin but different perspectives of a masterpiece. We cannot be so close to criticizing other’s shade of blue that we miss the blotches we created from our brush. I want to say I’m in church everyday, but it wouldn’t fit the conventional mode people think about with church. I would still be a sinner, hypocrite, traitor, unbeliever in the eyes of many. Not sure that bothers me. What does bother me is not being me in fear of pleasing others. So forgive me if my notion of God does not matter to me when what concerns me more is the well being of people and their survival. Forgive me if I’m not concerned about what interpretation of bible or what mode of faith you practice when I’m concerned about people beyond using prayer as a lazy method to say I did something over walking in my prayer. Forgive me if I’m not thinking about the non-profit status of a church, the liability of insurance issues, and the clothing of one sagging or high. skirts over if someone is looking for something or someone to believe in. I’m searching to revise and clarify my faith everyday too. It’s not in looking for God. That question for me is not necessary. The question for me is what did I do with my time while living? The gathering of people resides in that question while struggling with the internal natures running through me. Keep your damn sides of that small ass fence. I’m looking for more land.
4. We need to figure out when we crucify the actions of others while defending ourselves. We need to figure out when we disregard the wholeness of a person because of the disagreements of one or two issues. We need to wonder when we judge children for not living in our generation supposedly makes them wrong because they haven’t learned what took us decades to do. We have to remember the eyes someone use for themselves hasn’t saw the experiences we went through in our inner lives. Their eyes or (senses for those visually impaired) lead them to make choices that help them continue. Can we continue to grow in better decisions? Absolutely. But let us not forget that we are still learning too. Stop making those behind you the enemy for not getting to the level you are at. (Looks in the mirror while repeating that sentence.)
5. Keep writing. Keep writing. Keep writing. Keep writing.
6. Getting away has helped me to go back better.
7. Know what the definition is for a friend in your life. A person who happened to go the same way on the journey with you is not always one who will stick with you. And that is okay. Loyalty is not about staying connected to what is deficient. Loyalty is about setting expectations for the relationship you want to continue and keeping maintenance towards with the best intentions. Don’t stay in relationship and false claim friends in fear of being alone. Don’t false claim friends in fear of doing better. Don’t false claim friends for assuming they will help you get value in something you are too lazy to do for yourself. Know a friend is one that is more blood than those who say family in title do to emergency than over the well being they give to your life.
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