Thy will be done
I feel so alone.
I feel so isolated.
I want them to feel what I feel.
I want them to see what I see.
I want to sit down at the table with my family and pray before every meal.
I want to listen to K Love in the car and sing every word with my mom — Or at least sing every word and not be made fun of.
I see every reason to give up
On my faith.
I see every reason to turn off my alarm on Sunday and say “not today”
I see every reason to throw away my bible and never read scripture again.
But
All I need is one sign to wake up and go to church.
All I need is one reason to open my bible and feel what I know is there.
But, I’m struggling to see that reason.
Is this whole Christian thing all worth it? Reading His word. Wearing a cross necklace. Is this all worth it?
Today I had the opportunity to watch a baptism of a loved one. And I couldn’t help but smile. I looked in her eyes and I saw the joy that I feel-
Felt-
Want to feel.
I feel like I’m putting off a ploy sometimes- like I know exactly what’s going on.
But the truth is, I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know how to ask God for help. I wish I knew.
So what I do, Is hide behind my church. I hide behind the Bible reading. Trying, praying, begging to see a real reason to continue in my walk with Jesus.
And, Lord
All I need is one reason. That is all I ask. One sign to show me this is all worth it.
Numb.
Just complete and utter stupor.
I felt nothing.
Not sure if that was good
Or bad.
I didn’t know anything in that exact moment
Other then, that I would’ve done anything
To trade my life with somebody else’s.
I would have given anything to not have to look in the mirror
And see myself looking back at me.
It had gotten so much easier to look at me but not really me.
I had been looking at what I wanted to be.
Not at what I really was.
And once it hit me,
It knocked me down
Hard.
I didn’t get back up again for months.
I stayed right there.
Underneath the crying all alone in my room.
Behind that forced smile I had learned to master.
And, behind a worn out bible I hadn’t actually read.
Underneath that cross necklace and written testimony
Was really me.
A scared, and a sad girl
With no real image of God.
I believed God was just that.
An image.
An image of a man so powerful
That had the ability to heal the broken, and save the sick.
But, just not me.
More of a fantasy, perhaps.
A fantasy I had read, And fallen in love in with.
Like, a fantasy that little girls forced themselves to believe.
Like cinderella.
So, I stayed hidden.
Behind those happy church kids.
Underneath an “ I believe!” t-shirt.
I stayed hidden.
Underneath was a girl, so sad
That couldn’t even go a night without crying herself to sleep.
A girl with such a disjointed point of view and self image
That only found herself “beautiful” while being concealed with makeup.
A girl that felt so truly lost, she couldn’t even recognize what she had become.
Now, I can’t say that, that girl is truly gone.
I still hurt, I still cry.
I still feel numb inside.
I still look at people and see their image of God.
And wish I could understand.
I still wear a cross necklace, In hopes that people
Won’t see my questioning.
I still go to church,
Somewhat hidden behind.
I want to call out to God.
Are you actually there?
Do you truly care for me, Lord?
I believe in you, And I do truly believe that you love, even me.
But, Sometimes, I’m not so sure that you can heal me.
I hear all of these stories about how “God is great.”
And, yes.
God IS great. But,
Sometimes, I just wonder.
Is this all worth it?
Going to church, Praying, Reading a bible.
I mean is it TRULY worth it?
Am I truly worth it.?
If I still wake up, every morning feeling lost.
And broken.
I am better, now.
Just a little bit.
I believe in God.
I believe in Jesus.
And I believe in the amazing work that He can do.
Sometimes, I’m just not sure that He can do it for me.
And to admit this is so hard.
To type the words is so hard.
I just want peace.
Lord,
Please.
Give me peace.
Sitting all alone in church, I felt so distant from myself, Like I was on the outside looking in.
And what I saw was the most tragic thing ;
Just imagine for a second, if you will, that you’re in a church- walking down the hall, and suddenly something catches your eye.
You step in a little closer, just to a see a little girl begging and pleading , and you can literally watch as the faith slips through her hands.
That was me.
The little girl.
It still is.
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