All the questions we ask
When did we stop being selective?
I was always selective, in my mind.
But my insecurities made me do stupid things and follow my heart, my flaws turned into affection by another and the flow.
And that’s when I get in trouble.
I go with a flow and I don’t realize that I fall for someone. I laugh and make silly jokes about his upcoming departure. I didn’t notice I gave him my heart.
And that is where the pain and misunderstanding came.
What?
He’s leaving, we won’t try long-distance?
I know I said I didn’t want that, but…
Won’t he fight for me?
Won’t he wanna be with me?
No.
It surprised me
It pained me
I didn’t understand what was happening
And I had to let someone I fell so hard for go.
How?
How does one do that?
I could have blamed him and I could have hated him.
I tried.
But eventually..
I can’t hate him and I can’t blame him.
I don’t regret any of it.
I maybe, only just a little bit, hard on myself because I still blame myself for getting into the whole thing in the first place.
Someday, when I am happy with the ONE, when I’m whole and healed, when I’ve figured out my career, my hopes and dreams, — I’ll stop being a jerk to myself and let it all go.
Because in the end of it all — it was the right choice. It is good he left and it is good we didn’t try anything.
When did we stop being selective?
I haven’t stopped, because I haven’t even started yet.
Which love was the real one?
If only that was easy to answer.
Seems like an easy question to a very complicated problem of society.
The One
The sole idea of the One seems ridiculous to some
To me — it makes the most sense
That said, I’m almost sure none of it was real
At that particular point in my life, — it seemed valid to me
All the feeling I’ve experienced — seemed real
Some of it — even more so
Like it was the end of the world
And yet I survived
That “love” didn’t
Because none of it was real
And I could’t know it
Because I was young and inexperienced with boys and relation ships
I was looking for someone who’d care about me
Because I lacked in that department
So I was searching externally for something that had to be fixed internally
I found special people along the way
But most all of them weren’t that special
There was someone who might have been right
Might have been something real
And yet, it was taken away from me for some reason
That is why I trust the Universe and time to sort it out
That is why I try not to meddle into it
That is why I try and teach myself some patience ♥
The real love is yet to come and swipe me off my feet
♥
When is the time to let go?
Is there a specific time?
Do you decide it? Or does your heart?
Mind?
Circumstance?
God?
Who decides it when you can finally let go?
When you are emotionally and physically prepared?
Does one have to “prepared” to let go?
It’s been almost a year for me and I still have trouble in some departments.
And I got mad a couple of days ago, I cried again and I decided to stop talking about him, to stop thinking and reminding myself of that how it had been.
I realized that I had control over a lot of it. A lot of the necessary steps of letting go.
I did a trial run.
It seems to work. So far
I have to physically restrain myself from certain things, but it works. For sure
The thing is, I also think that there is a kismet in it. Something godly.
There is God everywhere, of course.
In our minds and hearts.
Guiding us
Maybe me not letting go, not being able to move on for so long is a sign
Maybe not
God knows
He knows the way
And He is the only one I can trust
With my life
My fate
And my loved ones
So in case I can’t restrain myself for long
I entrust my life and my heart to God
Please take care of it ❤️
And bring to me what’s mine
•••
🙏🙏🙏
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