Just go with it
Only an hour to write a journal entry NOT already made. Fresh thoughts only.
3/13 Tuesday — 3/20 Tuesday
Purpose: To write unfiltered and explore + figure out writing voice.
I have this irrational fear at times. What if people don’t like my writing? Don’t take me seriously because of the topics I choose to write…
like topics on puppies. I wrote a poem called “To All The Puppies I Ever Loved” not too long ago.
Would someone love the poem just as much as I would? Sometimes my finger hovers over the spacebar, hesitantly…
To publish or not to publish? That is the question.
Hamlet was contemplating suicide.
Hitting publish would be the least of my worries compared to Hamlet’s predicament.
But why do I hesitant?
Why do I wait?
Is it for possible ridicule? Judgement?
Nah. That doesn’t seem right.
In reality, I don’t like the feeling of being small. I don’t want to look like a fool and naive. Because naive is the opposite of wise. I’m not taken seriously.
In reality, I do want to come across as someone who writes about big ideas for a huge audience, with total poise and assurance. I want people to feel assured that they can trust my words as truth, or how I have experienced truth.
Not to feed to my ego (although maybe at an unconscious level that’s what it is), but because if I want to help my loved ones, my irrational brain thinks that I have to reach a wider audience. I have to reach people with a little more influence to help spread and bring about change.
I know I’m wrong. I know that people make big change even in smallness.
But then I’m reminded of Apostle Paul — the greatness in his words — as he challenged the churches as well as encouraged them in the faith found in Christ.
I think of the depth and profoundness of John’s testament and his craftsmanship as a writer.
I’m not great as them…
You are small, because I made you this way…
I can only imagine those would be the words of God if I heard his voice.
And in truth, that’s who I really want to write about.
I want to write about God and his love.
But I have fears, just as any small mortal does. What I believe in is a fairytale to many.
I want to be a friend to the world. But the more I do, I can feel the worldly side of me — of sensuality:
I pay too much attention to the beauty of flowers. Delicious scents. The taste of sweetness . The wonders of the world in travels — all made in God’s glory.
I love the world and its beauty…
But the constant reminder still pulls at me…
You are in this world but not of it.
I wish the words of Christ would be more comfort to me. But it’s easy to give in to what the world has to offer.
Where is my armor? Why have I let my defenses down? Why should I care if the world thinks of me as a zealot like Simon , a former magician, or “that type” of person weakened by Christ and confines of religion.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,against the powers of this dark world…Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. (Ephesians 6: 12–13)
The truth is, the more I align myself with God, the more I separate myself from the world and its people.
Am I willing to gain a “follower” of the world at the expense of losing God and what he wants me to be?…
To love people anyways.
And to guard my faith, guard God, in this time of rebuke and persecution.
I know God does not need protecting.
But in the meanwhile, I hope God forgives my writing whenever it strays too much from his pure love.
On this journey, please let me wander…
But don’t let me fall…
There’s something about engagement that I’m missing.
I know it.
But as of right now — building a huge follower count — isn’t a priority right now.
As much as it’s fun to write about writing, I think most of my readers and potential readers are beyond that point.
They want stories which engage them.
Skills that they can actually use.
Right now I have 100 followers, sometimes wavering between 99 and 101, but right now that’s where I am.
The question now:
Not how to gain more.
But how do I engage more. How do I engage all of my 100 readers?
I know I still need to produce quality content.That’s still important.
I have to figure out if what I provide can help my readers — and if not — how I can accommodate and adjust to make sure that my content can. ← That’s the pot of gold that if I find the answer (or pathway), I’ll create a regular article on the subject.
In no way do I have the honor to make the comparison, but I often think of Christ’s strategies.
But the thing about Jesus is that he didn’t have a secret agenda, tactics, or strategies.
He was the Way.
Sure he spoke in parables, but his true followers would know how to decrypt them. He purposely kept the meaning behind parables so obscure from its enemies to guard the Faith. He wanted people to search for the answers — that’s how we find true meaning.
But really, the truth behind the parables aren’t so complicated as the scholars of scripture made them to be.
The baffling part about Christ’s parables and scripture is that the message is actually very simple — too simple for even the greatest of scholars to comprehend.
But Christ — God’s people — knew what was up. Christ started small. He picked his disciples — 12 of them. Not 100. Not 1000. Just 12.
Who did he pick:
I’m not looking for disciples though…but the premise is similar.
Christ started small although his greatness was unknown to the world for a very long time.
We all have to stay humble in this world and not confuse humility for humility or degradation of the soul.
We have to remember that once we were dust.
Look how far humanity has come in both greatness and shortcomings.
Our shortcomings a reflection of the world, but greatness as the reflection of our Maker.
In this journey of engagement, I’m searching for partners in (non) crime. People who may not agree with me and my beliefs 100%, but have values that are similar to mine.
These are the people I know who will engage with me, and I with them.
This post to the series is short…
Because now I just need to get to work and figure it out.