Fighting back against the punitive parent mode

In Schema Therapy, the Punitive Parent mode is an internalised conception of anger, hatred or abuse from early caregivers.

In other branches of psychology, it is sometimes referred to as the inner critic.

In the mode we think or behave in ways that criticise or punish the self for doing things that are wrong/bad according to deeply entrenched core beliefs such as verbalisation of needs and feelings.

In this mode, self-hatred, self-criticism, suicidal fantasies and self destructive behaviours happen.

This mode is an amplified reflection of the negative aspects of an early childhood environment where core needs were not met.

Our early experience of this world is bestowed to us from how our caregivers treat and respond to us. Therefore if they are nurturing, stable and consistent, we learn to feel a sense of safety and security. However if our childhood caregivers are absent or distracted by problems whether they are emotional or substance abuse based, this will lead to an unstable, abusive and unpredictable view of the world for us.

As a child, our cognitive frame is narrow and limited to our needs, in other words, the world revolves around us as children. This can unfortunately cause us to believe that anything bad that happens is our fault. Punitive and critical messages from caregivers are internalised to become core beliefs.

Today, I was able to, thanks to an experiential group therapy exercise, see how the Healthy Adult Mode can be strengthened in order to stand up to the Punitive Parent to diminish it’s power.

The setup:

Two group members were assigned the role of punitive parent mode. I briefed them on the particulars of the narrative that I often hear from this mode.

A group therapist sat beside me to act as the Healthy Adult Mode

The exercise:

The girls representing Punitive Parent covered themselves in the effigy we had previously created of the much-reviled creature. The effigy itself is a cotton sheet with an artistic representation of a punitive parent along with stock phrases.

The experience began with the Punitive Parent reeling off its’ narrative about my various flaws and shortcomings — that I was an imposter, didn’t have a perfect smile, was lazy and would always be single.

The therapist encouraged me to talk back to the voices to try to counter them.

I felt the voices getting stronger and my resolve faltering, my head bent and looking at my hands folded in my lap as my voice grew quieter.

All the while, for each hurtful statement, the therapist was able to phrase her Healthy Adult Mode responses in a way that was concise, no nonsense, confident, strident and assertive.

It reached a point where the Healthy Adult Mode told the Punitive Parent in no uncertain terms that she’d heard enough, to stop it, and shut up.

I was presented with the Punitive Parent effigy and instructed to do as I please with it. So I scrunched it up in a ball and threw it behind my chair.

Aftermath:

It was a freeing and liberating experience to be able to cast the negative download of messages aside. The action of being able to externalise, contain, and discard this hurtful facet is leaving room for my Healthy Adult Mode to grow and develop in order to heal the Vulnerable Child from the effects of the Punitive Parent mode.