1. And so we begin again. I love the blank canvas feel of a new year. But I’m less stringent about it than I used to be. Goals, yes. But it’s not about being unrealistic or punishing. I am already good enough.
2. I get ready to publish the new interview to the site. I give myself until 2pm today to work. After that it’s rest time.
3. I’m recounting the story to him and we are both laughing.
4. It’s peaceful in the apartment. But, of course, it’s like an oven. They have cranked the heat up high. I have the fan on and the window open in the living room.
5. It is past 6pm when I stop working. But I feel good because I’ve completed most of what I wanted to.
6. Yet, I keep noticing that I’m not really carving out time to just be. I keep talking about it. I keep planning it. And then…
7. I think I’m afraid of running out of time. That I won’t have done enough. Created enough. Mattered enough.
8. So where does that all fit in with my I am enough beliefs?
9. I am watching this episode but I feel like I’m watching scenes from my own life. So many years ago. Or, yesterday.
10. When were we not fighting? Why are we still marching?
11. I could have written parts of this script. I know it by heart. This is not fictional. This is what we are still living with. 1970. 2018. Same.
12. Maybe not exactly the same. But it’s still too close for comfort. And I’m not keeping quiet about any of it.
1. He is opening the curtains and I’m laughing at his expression as he quickly moves past the window. The icy breeze is coming through.
2. Maybe it’s the heat from the radiator. Maybe it’s my hormones. But we rarely have the window shut.
3. She asks if I can make a change to the wording. Just one word. And that one word takes thirty minutes because my MacBook from forever ago is protesting old age and does not want to cooperate.
4. First practice of the year. Clumsy. Awkward. I’m yawning the whole time. But still, it’s something.
5. I think maybe I need a planner. To schedule things. But mostly all I need to do is manage social media time. Responding to notifications. Perhaps I have specific hours set aside for that. Will that work for me?
6. It’s just that I like to free flow. But I also have to remind myself that free flow is better spent as creative time. That’s where the connection is.
7. I notice how much easier it is these days to let go of how my creativity is received. Not needing to be rated by others. Just staying deeply connected to my path.
8. The compulsion to clean everything, always.
9. I am walking out of the door and he is trying to kiss me goodbye but he can’t get to my cheek because I’m almost entirely covered in a hood, a scarf and oversized glasses.
10. She has brought us back a stash of British chocolate. I miss these home comforts so much.
11. The sun is so low and the wind is so bitter. It’s one of those days that looks beautiful, but only if you’re witnessing it from inside.
12. The language of women. The way we can communicate to one another without words. The soundless knowing that is exchanged between us. The unspoken stories that are understood.
1. Is it a kind of a dream. Floating out on the tide. Following the river of death downstream. Oh, is it a dream?
2. Almost every window in every room is open. I am marveling at how such an old apartment can retain such heat.
3. I begin the conversation but then I realize I’m too tired to have it, so I stop.
4. Sometimes sanity looks like preserving energy.
5. Grand Central Station is even busier than usual. I am weaving in and out of all the bodies that are moving around me. We are like some kind of melody.
6. The solitary glove on the paving stone.
7. I receive an enquiry and within ten minutes I am chased for a response. I guess this is another kind of melody. The frantic New York City gotta know right now.
8. I know she’s hurting. I also know I can’t rescue her. This is something that comes up often with my writing. Somehow I am misconstrued as a savior of sorts to those who are struggling.
9. I want to help people witness the living. To create something that honors their human experience. To encourage them notice the experiences of others. That is not the same as saving.
10. I make a point of ignoring unsolicited advice.
11. It’s beyond belief that it’s already been a year. Was there ever anyone more embarrassing, more ill equipped to run a country?
12. Tomorrow is an unexpected snow day.