1. I am clenching my jaw more often recently. My tell tale sign of what hasn’t been processed. At least not yet.
2. Remembering our car journey from a few days ago. We were talking about people and labels, conformity and gender. He said that we were in our own category and I understood immediately what he meant. I think some of why we found each other was because neither of us held a desire to force fitting in. I think that’s some of why we stay, too.
3. I want to take her grief away. I want to spare her. But then, that would mean taking some of her joy away, too. She wouldn’t be grieving if she hadn’t had known the most beautiful love. Still, I hate for her to suffer.
4. I think we are always mourning someone or something.
5. I cannot wait to see his fluffy face. It’s been ten days too long.
6. I am not sure why it is different this time. But it is.
7. I thought I would write much more when I was there. The space was so peaceful and the intrusions were few. But the words only came once or twice. Instead, I had an appetite for reading. Now I am back in NYC and the words are coming like a waterfall.
8. I haven’t heard back and I’m feeling anxious about the silence. My imagination loves to run reckless and wild.
9. My back is aching. The heat patch helps but the apartment is already so hot.
10. It is so beautiful to read his email. He is my favorite and communicating with him feels to be so full of ease and comfort. I wish he were closer. I wish she was still here.
11. We are still evidencing this relationship. Still being asked to prove who we are together. It feels so strange to be dissected and examined this way.
12. She just messaged to say it is our third year anniversary of living in this space. It’s been years since I stayed anywhere so long.