Twelve Month Tapestry ~ August

August 1

1. I am clenching my jaw more often recently. My tell tale sign of what hasn’t been processed. At least not yet.

2. Remembering our car journey from a few days ago. We were talking about people and labels, conformity and gender. He said that we were in our own category and I understood immediately what he meant. I think some of why we found each other was because neither of us held a desire to force fitting in. I think that’s some of why we stay, too.

3. I want to take her grief away. I want to spare her. But then, that would mean taking some of her joy away, too. She wouldn’t be grieving if she hadn’t had known the most beautiful love. Still, I hate for her to suffer.

4. I think we are always mourning someone or something.

5. I cannot wait to see his fluffy face. It’s been ten days too long.

6. I am not sure why it is different this time. But it is.

7. I thought I would write much more when I was there. The space was so peaceful and the intrusions were few. But the words only came once or twice. Instead, I had an appetite for reading. Now I am back in NYC and the words are coming like a waterfall.

8. I haven’t heard back and I’m feeling anxious about the silence. My imagination loves to run reckless and wild.

9. My back is aching. The heat patch helps but the apartment is already so hot.

10. It is so beautiful to read his email. He is my favorite and communicating with him feels to be so full of ease and comfort. I wish he were closer. I wish she was still here.

11. We are still evidencing this relationship. Still being asked to prove who we are together. It feels so strange to be dissected and examined this way.

12. She just messaged to say it is our third year anniversary of living in this space. It’s been years since I stayed anywhere so long.

‪August 2‬

  1. My sleepy eyes are stubborn this morning, wanting to stay closed. My rest was long enough but not deep enough.
  2. There is a piece missing. I think perhaps this particular piece has been gone for so long that the void has taken on its own occupancy. An emptiness has claimed the space, and so it is not entirely vacant. I feel less lonely because of it.
  3. I have no idea what she looks like now.
  4. Writing some sections of the book feels to be full of flow. Others, not so smooth. I can’t decipher if the stuck feeling is something I need to push through or a deeper truth trying to make itself known.
  5. I have decided to push through. To see where that takes me.
  6. I rarely feel safe on the subway.
  7. Moving through this World as a woman is so tiring at times. I do not even know what it might feel like for those more marginalized than me.
  8. I left without an umbrella and now we are crouched in a doorway whilst the streets are swimming with everything the sky couldn’t contain.
  9. Eating post-lunch chocolate from the box of pralines she gave me for my birthday. Thinking of how I adore coffee chocolate and the smell of coffee. But I’ve never been able to drink coffee.
  10. Everyone says home is where the heart is. But I think maybe home is where the hope is. My heart is in many places, but I don’t want to live in all of them. I want to live where there is a chance of something more beautiful.
  11. He has a face that the light loves. Like he was born to be photographed. Twitter tells me he would have been 93 today.
  12. I keep second guessing whether that’s the right space for me. I stay away and then sometimes I drift back. It takes an average of three days for me to remember. Not my space. Not anymore.

‪August 3‬

  1. He brings me chai and breakfast in bed every morning. It always tastes like love.
  2. I had that other World kind of sleep. Heavy and far, far away. My back is still complaining. I’m easing it awake with the heat patch and then I’ll move onto the mat.
  3. She said that I inspire others to claim their space. What it is to be seen and received this way.
  4. He seems highly agitated. He’s talking out loud but I am unsure who to exactly. To us? To the air around him? I don’t understand the language he is speaking but I immediately sense the potential danger. He seems to be teetering on the edge of something. Maybe we all are.
  5. The lyrics conjure up something inside me. Something forgotten. Or missed. Sometimes life feels like a series of beautiful aches and I think that all beauty comes with at least a little burn.
  6. It feels hollow. Like words that are scripted rather than sincere.
  7. He seems so sad. His eyes are telling me what he cannot speak of. Or perhaps I am taking his expression and filling it with my own stories. Perhaps he’s ok. They say that we are all reflections of one another. Maybe we’re projections of one another, too.
  8. The birthday chocolate has almost gone.
  9. It’s so hard to operate online without constant ads or spam. The noise is relentless. Carving out a space that works for me is becoming more and more challenging.
  10. What if it’s spread everywhere? What then?
  11. She reminds me so much of my dear friend. The way she carries herself. Her laugh. Her voice. It’s uncanny.
  12. The way that gratitude shifts everything, always. It took me so many years to learn that.
Skylar Liberty Rose·
40 min
·
32 cards

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