How to look great, feel great, and BE great while raising alligators on your head

Ally’s Morning Routine

Mikey Hamm
Apr 10, 2017 · 2 min read
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Ally had three young alligators growing from the top of her head, and each morning she woke up with the left-most alligator chewing softly on the top of her ear.

After checking her phone and stretching in bed, and after her right-side and middle gator had joined her in the waking world, she’d get up, walk to the kitchen, take her vitamins, start the kettle, weigh herself on a digital scale, log the weight into her phone, make herself some tea, and sit there drinking it until she could at least imagine wanting to be awake at all.

In the bathroom, she’d wash her face with a minty deep-cream cleanser, and each of her alligators with an antibacterial grapefruit de-scaling scrub, then moisturize with cotton-extract lotion and an exotic leather handbag oil. She’d brush her teeth with an electric toothbrush that played “Eye of the Tiger” for the recommended brushing length, and then brush her alligators teeth with three different soft-bristle children’s toothbrushes, making sure to use an all-natural, cruelty-free toothpaste on her middle-gator, who was in a phase.

She’d make breakfast, either a fruit smoothie for her and a snail-and-cricket salad for her alligators, or a piece of toast with cottage cheese and sliced tomato for her and three earthworm-stuffed sardines for her alligators. Her left-side alligator always took twice as long to eat, since all it really liked was crawfish pudding, which it couldn’t have since it gave Ally a three-day rash.

After eating, she’d get dressed (indigo or navy blazer, printed cami or button-up, cotton slacks) and put on her make-up (tinted moisturizer, mascara, lipgloss). Her alligators were old enough to get their own tinted moisturizer too: Mossy Moxie for righty, Bold and Basil for lefty, and Crocodile for her middle-gator, who was in a phase.

Then she would gather her purse, phone, gym bag, and water bottle, pull on a pair of well-worn pointed-toe flats, and walk twenty-three blocks to Gem & Coin Financial, where she worked as the second-best bank-teller at the branch.

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