NewsHonk 10th Feb, 2025

The Bigger the Honk, the Bigger the News.

And now the news, don’t touch that dial!

“It just kept talking, but nothing even slightly interesting or meaningful.” — Spatula.

Fisherman Hooks Unusually Boring, Uncharismatic Fish with Glasses

[Windermere] Posing with his holiday catch, tourist Anthony Spatula announced he’d never expected to hook such a specimen. Scientists are keen to study the creature, which bears a strong resemblance to British PM Sir Kier Starmer. “The glassy eyes, the vacant look, the deep unease when you’re unsure if he thinks you’re friend or food…”, Spatula said, “I took a holiday from Whitehall to get away from all that!” Back in London, Starmer was seen being fed sawdust and stuffed into a display case.

“Big, glorious, wonderful, huge genders.” — Trump to… someone.

Trump Exec Order Recognises Only 2 Genders: “Hot” or “Not”

[Mar-a-lago, FL] By executive decision, US President Donald Trump altered federal law on Sunday to recognise only two genders: “hot” or “not”, and that these were immutable… except by fillers, implants and botox. Speaking from his toilet in Mar-a-lago, Trump said “too often there are genders, big genders, beautiful genders. They did that, see. Sleepy Joe, you know the one, but they’re so huge now. It’s great.” Criticism arose when it emerged the wording of the bill branded all Americans as “not”.

“You musta really been something before they invented electricity!” — Netanyahu to Giorgia Meloni at the UN.

“Turn the record over, already” says Israel’s Netanyahu

[Jerusalem] Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called a press-conference today where he demanded “are you still on with that? Honestly, you complain so much it’s a wonder your tongue ain’t sunburned! Always blah-blah-blah, why don’t you join a nice bridge club and jump off it?” Adding that he got “no respect”, he went on to lament his childhood custody hearing, when neither parent showed up. Pressed further about Gaza, he immediately drowned out reporters with Any Way You Want It by Journey.

“This rumour was started by He-Man!” — a Snake Mountain inside-source.

Skelator Refutes Reform UK Rumour

[Snake Mountain, Eternia] Skelator today stated that, even though he had dabbled in the dark sorcery of the Evil Horde, he was not going to join the UK Reform Party. Admitting “I did have several meetings,” he went on “but after further inquiry, it was clear that Reform’s aims conflict with Snake Mountain’s commitments to diversity and tolerance.” He added “whether we are criminal cyborgs, witches, or beast-men, our differences unite us.” Beast Man later added “it’s actually ‘beasts-man’."

Musk has used Teddy to recruit an army of under-20 Internet edge-lords to work at DOGE.

Musk Deletes US Constitution, Control Reverts to UK

[Washington, DC] Sources have leaked that noted billionaire and charisma-void Elon Musk, as part of his efficiency cuts, had deleted the US constitution. With no formal incorporation as a country, control has thus automatically ceded back to the British Parliament and Crown. Palace insiders say King Charles III had not yet heard the news, as he was still wrestling with his pen. Meanwhile, PM Sir Kier Starmer was seen studying a British-American dictionary, looking up the word for “toolmaker”.

…and that concludes today’s headlines!