NewsHonk 17th Feb, 2025

The Bigger the Honk, the Bigger the News.

And now the news, don’t touch that dial!

A White House staffer commented “give me more soldiers, noble leader, so that they may bathe their swords in the beating hearts of our enemies!”

Trump Demands Tribute for Patience

[Mar-a-lago, FL] At a press conference, US President Donald Trump demanded tribute for his patience from NATO. Directly addressing members, he said he would not accept less than 10,000 gold; or the secrets of Gunpowder. “My mighty armies stand poised”, he announced from his toilet, “but we may spare your civilization if you offer us tribute.” European cities reported tribal warriors in grass skirts near their city walls. At press time, Ghandi had declared war and sent musketeers to Washington, DC.

He was overheard saying “Garçon, amène le Don Pérignon s’il te plaît” before noticing the reporter and saying “er, une beero por favor!”

Brexit Going Badly Because of Remainers, EU, Woke and-

[London] On the Today Programme, Reform’s Nigel Farage explained that the UK’s economic state was down to mismanagement of Brexit. “We should’ve left with no deal”, he guffawed to Justin Webb, who silently agreed, for balance. “We should cancel our trade deals, leave the ECHR, mine the Channel and shoot down all aircraft.” At press time, Mr. Farage was seen sipping cognac outside Guy Savoy on the Quai de Conte, Paris, having made large sums betting against the British Pound on currency markets.

“Also, we’ll be needing some lunch money” the solicitor confirmed.

Thames Water Lodges Appeal to Raid Your Fridge

[Reading, UK] Acting on behalf of Thames Water, Sir Alex Gibbon QC lodged an appeal today, demanding that his client be allowed to raid your fridge. “M’lud, my client would very much like to let themselves in and help themselves to last-night’s casserole”, he stated to the court, “we accept you may have been saving the Viennetta and looking forward to that bottle of Prosecco, but my clients really fancy a little something.” He later added a motion to have you pay for Thames Water’s taxi over.

Sources confirm the overture is 96 minutes long.

“Franklin” and “The Weeping Dance of Living” Tipped for Best Movie

[Los Angeles, CA] Critics say it’s a two horse race at the Oscars, 2nd March, which celebrate world cinema. Franklin is a sweeping historical biopic where orchestral music plays over a slightly sad oil painting of American statesman Benjamin Franklin. The Weeping Dance of Living stars Joaquin Phoenix as a Black trans woman in 1970s Bronx who, each scene, swaps between fat and thin and then dies tragically. Both films have been critically acclaimed. Laverne Cox commented “yep, that tracks”.

“The Limburger matrix is almost fully operational” say NASA insiders.

NASA Develops Giant Cheese to Lure Asteroid Closer

[Cape Canaveral, FL] Scientists at NASA today revealed a gigantic wedge of cartoon cheese. Dr. Omar Goulash said it was “an ambitious but essential step” in luring an asteroid closer to Earth. Space-body Bennu will pass closely in the year 2060 and Dr. Goulash said “we think this cheese could tempt the asteroid nearer, provided we keep still.” Regarding possible Earth-impact, he added “we have high hopes we can make it happen”. Unconfirmed rumours now say Bennu has run off behind the sideboard.

…and that concludes today’s headlines!