NewsHonk 24th Feb, 2025

The Bigger the News, the Bigger the Honk

And now the news, don’t touch that dial!

Image courtesy of Westminster Snaps-4-Cash Ltd.

“Oh, fellows!” Demands Sir Keir Starmer

[Westminster] Revealing his new strategy for governance, British PM Sir Keir Starmer announced “Fellows, please!” outside №10 today. He went on, directly addressing His Majesty’s Opposition “oh, come now! Fellows! Fellows!” Turning his ire against the press, Starmer continued “please! Fellows! This is too much!” At time of publishing, Sir Keir had u-turned, pulled out a flick-knife and begun stabbing his own MPs in their backs, accusing them of plotting to bring Farmer Jones back.

“Britain: as seen from space”, courtesy of NASA.

“Stop Ramming it Down Our Throats!” Demands British Public

[London] A new poll by IPSOS/Mori revealed the number one issue for British people as “stop ramming it down our throats!” Pressed further, all 69 million Britains clarified “we’re sick of it! Stop ramming it down our throats!” Further questioned, the British public visibly flushed before stuttering “it! Stop… thrusting it… repeatedly.. thrusting…” before excusing themselves to go to the nearest WC. At press time, downloads of Grindr had peaked, alongside searches for “hot trans women near me”.

Central/North Europe via Nibbly-Tourist’s Digest.

Trump Makes Concessions to Putin Over Fall of Berlin Wall

[Mar-a-lago, FL] In a live video meeting from his toilet, US President Donald Trump has shocked Europe by granting concessions to Russian Premier Vladimir Putin over the End of the Cold War in 1989. “East Berlin must accept it’ll never get all its territory back”, he said. At press time, construction on a concrete wall had begun around Friedrichstraße, Berlin. A local AfD supporter said “sehr gut. Ich hoffe, es hält die Einwanderer fern” before a very welcome tomato hit them in the eye.

Artist’s Impression by house-artist Dingo McSmalltoad.

Centre of Milky Way Galaxy Discovered to Be Skittles

[Oxford, UK] Speaking about the latest findings from the James Webb telescope, Professor Sylvia Billabong said “this upends decades of astrophysics that presumed the centre of our galaxy was a Mars Bar.” She added “inter-nougat travel is now a serious concept.” Prof. Billabong became famous last year when the Starburst Nebula was renamed. The US immediately demanded legal sanctions on the Milky Way for promoting rainbow ideologies. Queen guitarist Brian May added “I’m an astrophysicist, you know!”

Photo courtesy of Ba’al, Demon Lord of Invisibility, Instagram @demonbaalwilleatyoursoul all rights reserved.

Satan Confirmed as Head of Southern Baptist Conclave

[Pandæmonium, Hell] Accepting his new position, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, took the dais to thank his supporters in the church, the Media and US politics. “I’m very pleased,” the Lord of the Flies said, “that these dalliances with woke politics are now over and we can return to traditional values.” He went on to read congratulatory messages from the GOP and Fox News. The outgoing Conclave Head, Saviour, and Son of God, Jesus Christ, commented “but… all I said was ‘be nice to people’!”

and that concludes today’s headlines!