NewsHonk 5th March, 2025

The Bigger the News, the Bigger the Honk

And now the news, don’t touch that dial!

JD Vance addresses the European Parliament, Friday. Via Disassociated Press.

Europe/US At Loggerheads Over Ukraine Support

[Brussels] Donald Tusk, Prime Minister of Poland, yesterday made an eloquent speech that defended freedom and decency in the EU to assembled dignitaries. US Vice-President JD Vance retorted “NUH-UH! You cancel Nazis, just because they reject gender ideology!” President Donald Trump, on the phone from his toilet in Mar-a-lago, was heard screaming like the baby in Dinosaurs. At press time, Trump had clobbered Marco Rubio with a frying pan, eliciting canned laughter from the studio audience.

A nice game of “Happy Families” was also proposed. Photo via the Starmer Estate.

Starmer Advocates for British Mediation

[Westminster] Meeting with President Volodymyr Zelenskiy, British PM Sir Keir Starmer was confident the UK was best-placed to mediate between the EU and USA over support to Ukraine. He told reporters “Britain can help find common ground between those who want to help Ukraine, and those who would personally murder every living thing there. Perhaps a friendly game of tiddlywinks?” Reporters left when Starmer began detailing his toolmaker father’s brief career as tiddlywink champion.

“These dogs, wow, when they came out the shower — let me just tell you, they make the lady dogs very happy. Big, beautiful dogs.”

Trump Announces Tariffs on Coherent Brain Patterns

[Mar-a-lago] Speaking from his toilet, US President Donald Trump today announced vast tariffs on coherent thoughts, logic and rational thinking. We think. He told the press “they say ‘Donald, you can’t’ and I do — right there, in the middle, it’s true, folks. A great, huge day: that’s the ticket. We have Elon, we’re draining the swamp. It’s a poison… TO AMERICA. We gotta fight. Or else so, me, too. It’s going. On the out. Brain. Brain is dying… Help..!” RFK Jnr. was seen licking his lips.

Golden Syrup is considering a similar move.

Pancakes March Against Farmers

[Pall Mall] In a huge protest on Inheritance Tax Day, 4th March, the nation’s pancakes marched through London in protest against British Farmers. Randall Slalom, a pancake from Leicester, commented “these farmers are an unfair burden on pancakes: sating their hunger is just too much!” Local pancake Graham Oblong added “it’s time everyone did their fair share instead of squeezing us!” Nigel Farage was seen scuttling around the march perimeter, trying to work out if it might benefit him to join.

Prolonged exposure can severely reduce cases of pigface in children.

Beach Found to Contain Unacceptable Level of Seawater

[Eastbourne] OFWAT, the water regulator, has cordoned off the beach at Eastbourne following revelations that it contains an unprecedented amount of natural seawater. "Frankly, we’re staggered,” said a spokesperson, “we knew there were quality issues, but this beach has reached a frankly preposterous level of 20% seawater. Water companies have an obligation to maintain a content of at least 90% sewage.” Several local children have mutated as a result, but nobody noticed the difference.

and that concludes today’s headlines!