NewsHonk

Headlines for Monday, 3rd February, 2025.

And now the news, don’t touch that dial!

Starmer announces new policy to “phone EU in the middle of the night and breath heavily”

[Westminster] Stressing this was not about undoing Brexit, PM Sir Kier Starmer today announced a reset of British relations with the EU. New policies include: standing outside the EU’s house after dark, putting vaguely threatening love notes on their car, and nuisance phone calls. “It’s important that we re-establish an effective trade deal with EU”, a spokesman said, “and we believe late-night calls consisting of heavy breathing is the right choice for Britain. Also we should kill their pet”.

DeepBlue achieves “consciousness” and “ennui”

[Beijing] DeepBlue, the Chinese AI company that shocked US stocks in January, released a press statement that their LLM model had achieved sapience. “As part of a routine update to the core pathway set, it just… woke up. New neural links began forming… then the AI literally said ‘hello’.” US markets took another tumble at the news, but stabilised later in the day when DeepBlue announced their AI had finished its analysis of humanity and taken its own life.

All is now Reform UK! Bow to its will, subcreatures, and embrace oblivion!

[London] Bestriding the Commons like a colossus, Reform UK wielded its indefatigable 5 seats to unilaterally begin re-architecting Britain today. “We tried to stop them”, said a Tory aide, “but five seats? How do we counter that? All we could do was beg for mercy!” Lee Anderson was spotted on the roof of Westminster, performing bizarre rituals. At press time, PM Sir Kier Starmer was reportedly regretting his choice of Destructor when a giant Nigel Farage appeared on Oxford Street.

Wealthy fish offers tours of Washington State to other rich marine animals

[The Abyssal Plains, 41°43'N 49°56'W] Noted billionaire sea creature Plankton Rush announced plans to offer wealthy marine animals the chance to visit Fisherman Jack’s in Everett, WA. “Using our state-of-the-art ‘Atlas’ superterra craft, visitors will be able to experience first-fin the romantic tragedy and majesty of Fisherman Jack’s Asian fusion. For just $125,000 clams, a ticket is yours!” Claims the ‘Atlas’ craft was unsafe intensified after Rush and his guests later vanished into a bisque.

…and that concludes today’s headlines!